“That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.”

“There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.”

“Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.”

“That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.”

“I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.”

“Gillette--The best a man can get."I stared at the screen. What happened to me? I was meant to be one of those guys, vigorous and athletic and successful and, most of all, American. I was going to walk on the moon, be a movie star or a rock got or a comedian. I was going to have an amazing life and kids with Helen and die like Chaplin a thousand years from now in my Beverly Hills mansion surrounded by my adoring family, with the grieving world media standing by. Instead, I was just another show-business mediocrity. A drunk who shat his pants and ran for help. My life had been careless and selfish. Pleasure in the moment was my only thought, my solitary motivation. I had disappointed whoever had been foolish enough to love me, and left them scarred. I was a very long way from being the best a man can get.”

“There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.”