“I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.”

“Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.”

“For your birthday, I got you a box. Hooray! It’s empty, so you can fill it with whatever you want.”

“Do you need some birthday dick? I once got dick for my birthday—my first birthday, in fact. That’s how they knew I was a boy.”

“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size shoe you wear.”

“The event happened on my birthday. I don’t remember the date, I only know it was my birthday because there was no cake or presents.”

“For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.”