“Dear Aunt Loretta,Thank you so much for the awesome pants! How did you know I wanted that for Christmas?I love the way the pants look on my legs!All my friends will be so jealous that I have my very own pants. Thank you for making this the best Christmas ever!Sincerely, Greg”

“So if you want to find somebody to blame for the way i am, I guess you'd have to start with the public education system.”

“It's not easy to writing thank-you notes for the stuff you didn't want in the first place.”

“Well, the problem is, it's not easy for me to think of ways to improve myself, because I'm pretty much one of the best people I know.”

“So I've started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don't need Santa seeing me in my underwear.”

“He got the crib, so for the first few months of my life I had to sleep in the top dresser drawer, which I'm pretty sure isn't even legal.”

“If there's one thing I learned from Rodrick, it's to set people's expectations real low so you end up surprising them by practically doing nothing at all.”