“See, when you're a little kid, nobody ever warns you that you've got an expiration date. One day you're hot stuff and the next day you're a dirt sandwich.”

“Then one day, this kid named Darren Walsh touched the Cheese with his finger, and that's what started this thing called the Cheese Touch. It's basically like the Cooties. If you get the Cheese Touch, you're stuck with it until you pass it on to someone else. The only way to protect yourself from the Cheese Touch is to cross your fingers.”

“When you're used to having electricity and then all of a sudden it's taken away, you're basically just one step from being a wild animal.”

“I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons." - Greg Heffley,”

“I've seen a lot of movies where a kid my age finds out he's got magical powers and then gets invited to go away to some special school. Well, if I've got an invitation coming, now would be the perfect time to get it”

“hope your birthday is hot hot hot”

“that if you don't read nobody does”