Abby McDonald

“I don't ever think about death. Not really, no more than a flicker of anxiety when I'm trying to merge on the highway or watching a news clip about some unfortunate girl my age. Even then, those are vague, passing ideas - not forty feet away with razor-sharp claws and angry teeth. But standing here, shaking with fear, I suddenly grasp the truth of it: the blood racing in my veins, the sharp tingle of my chilled skin, the intensity of every breath. This is my life.”

“Love isn't pain. Heartbreak isn't noble or romantic. You deserve better, so don't ever forget.”

“Saying it out loud, to someone else, makes it truer somehow. Real. Done.”

“Can you really blame me for finding it so hard to let go?”

“I love getting older," I muse as I carefully begin to peel the layers away. "You're closer to death, but there are presents.”

“Let stuff simply unfold, for once in your life, without spinning all those hopeful romantic fantasies. The less time you spend dreaming up a world of happily ever after, the more time you’ll have to actually live — no evers or afters required.”

“I need to find out who I am without him.”

“I'm an evil, nature-hating girl now, but for some reason, that feels better than pretending to like things I don't. I'm done smiling and nodding along for some other guy's sake.”

“You'll call, and text, and time will fly by. You guys are solid, remember? Made to last.”

“Asphalt hurts. But not as much as abandoning your dignity.”

“Why do guys do that?" I ask. "Name their vehicles.""Ownership." He grins. I reach over and punch him lightly. "What?" he protests. "It's true! And it gives us something to swear when we break down in the middle of nowhere.”

“Let life simply unfold, for once in your life, without spinning all those hopeful romantic fantasies. The less time you spend dreaming up a world of happily ever after, the more time you'll actually have to live- no evers or afters required.”

“Just because people say something's great, it doesn't mean you have to agree, not if you don't actually enjoy it.”

“I wouldn't settle for the easy path; I would be someone extraordinary, no matter how hard it made things right now. But now, looking back, I wonder if we weren't just as bad as the bitches and cliques we made fun of, thinking we were different, above them all.”

“I tell them I can handle my own stuff, but it's like a mark of pride or something. I'm surprised Blake doesn't just hoist me over his shoulder and try to carry me too!”

“We're meant to be together. So we'll make it work.”

“And even after supposedly happy endings...well, we don't know for sure what happens after the final credits. Elizabeth probably dies in childbirth while Darcy sits stoically outside the bedroom door. Nurse Hathaway might get bored of Doug Ross and his cable-knit sweaters and run off to a tropical island. Even Bella might discover that Edward always hogs the remote and has an annoying laugh and decide to call it quits-no hard feelings.”

“How many times has that happened? I find myself wondering. How many times have I sat, waiting, while he catches up with somebody else, somebody more important?”

“Why am I doing this all over again? Waiting for him to choose me.”

“It's the habit that gets you.”

“So you try, and try, to move past it and forget about them, but it's like they're stuck in your head -- you can't just flip a switch and stop loving them! So you hate yourself for it because you know it's no use, but nothing you do seems to ever make a difference.”

“(LuAnn) Whatever. That'll teach me not to build my life around a man whose favorite book is Atlas Shrugged. Listen, kid." She waggles her finger, as if scolding me. "Nothing good comes from Ayn RAnd. Trust me on this.”

“And that's how it was with Garrett. Because he understood me, the me I wanted so desperately to be. Think about your best friend - how you tell them everything, how they're the person who knows you best, all your deepest fears and insecurities. They're the one you call when something amazing happens or when everything falls apart and you need someone to come over and watch movies and tell you that everything's going to be OK. It's not like family, who are obligated to love you and even then sometimes fail to be everything they're supposed to be. Your true friend has chosen you, and you them, and that's a different kind of bond.That's Garrett to me. I'm used to talking to him all the time, about the most meaningless stuff. To have him gone feels like a loss, an absence haunting me every day. Without him, there's just the empty space that used to be filled with laughter and friendship and comfort.Can you really blame me for finding it so hard to let go?”

“Garrett has been the best friend a girl could want, so how could I be so stupid as to think about shutting him out for good? I've been so busy thinking about my unrequited love, I haven't even stopped to consider the other, more important part of our relationship.Friendship.Ignoring him now would make him think I don't care, that I don't want to be friends. I want to get over him, not lose him for good! How must he feel, with me not replying to his texts and e-mails like this? What kind of friend am I?”

“I can't keep doing this to myself, getting my hopes up so high, only to have them come crashing down. I can't keep waiting for him to come to his senses, having my whole emotional state rest on what he decides. What if he never wakes up to how perfect we'd be together? What if I spend another year pining for him - or longer even? In a terrible flash, I see my future stretching out before me: waiting for his calls, rearranging my life around college visits, and decoding texts and instant messages like they could be something real, something true.This isn't love; this is pure torment.”

“He'll never compose whole odes to my beauty and grace. He'll never show up with a boom box to reenact Say Anything outside my window. He'll never drive over at three a.m. because I'm sick and can't sleep and just want to feel his arms around me.”

“How could I have been so stupid? All this time, I've been certain he feels the same way about me. I was so sure that my feelings were requited that I'd convinced myself he was just getting up the courage to confess. But I was wrong. Garrett's feelings for me are nothing but friendship - plain, simple, and overwhelmingly platonic. I built his love out of thin air, I realize in horror - crafted it from e-mails and late-night conversations as if my sheer will would make it so.It was all in my head. Again!”

“I miss you.Were sweeter words ever texted?”

“You’re not in love with me, not really, you just love the way I always made you feel. Like you were the center of my world. Because you were. I would have done anything for you.”

“Don't write off a book (or person, or movie) just because it had a pink, sparkly cover.”

“I curl my fingers into my palm to make up for the fact that they're not wrapped around his.”

“I can't get past the strange contradiction that seems to lurk behind everything we do. Because no matter what, or who, we end up choosing, all of us feel like we've failed somehow. Kayla feels guilty for planning a future with Blake; Dominique feels guilty that she won't with Carlos. LuAnn dropped everything to make it work with her guy, and I'm filled with shame every time I think about how I did the same thing, building my life around Garrett without realizing it then working just as hard to take that version of my life apart, piece by piece. So how are we supposed to win? On the one hand, the world tells us that capital-L Love is epic, and all conquering, and the meaning of everything, but on the other it drills us with this message that we shouldn't make any sacrifice or effort to pursue it, because that would make us weak, unempowered, desperate, silly girls.”

“How is it?" I ask as we stroll towards the dressing rooms. "Working at the playground. That must be fun.""Sure, they're just adorable," she says, "For the first five minutes. And then I want to wring their adorable little necks."I stop, shocked. "I always figured you loved kids.""Yeah, no." Kayla shakes her head emphatically. "One kid, I can do, even two-- just stick them in front of a Disney movie, let them play Xbox all night. But a herd of them?" She shudders.”

“They probably have me up on a poster by now. Warning: this girl is emotionally unstable. Do not allow near hot beverages.”

“See" Kayla links her arm through mine, leaving Blake to jostle and race the other guys. "I tell them I can handle my own stuff, but it's like a mark of pride or something. I'm surprised Blake doesn't just hoist me over his shoulder and try to carry me, too!"I laugh, starting to relax. "Is it bad I can actually picture that?”

“So how are we suppose to win? On the one hand, the world tells us that capital-L Love is epic, and all-conquering, and the meaning of everything, but on the other, it drills us with this message that we shouldn't make any sacrifice or effort to pursue it, because that would make us weak, unempowered, desperate, silly girls.”

“The less time you spend dreaming up a world of happily ever after, the more time you'll have to actually live -- no evers or afters required.”

“When you look in the mirror, what do you want to see: yet another reminder of your hopeless attempt to be the girl of his dreams, or you? The answer should always be you.”

“This is about me. And how I will never get to be one of those girls, no matter how much I hope and pray and want it.”

“The truth is, I wished for the same thing I always do, when I let myself wish at all. Him.”

“You can die of a broken heart -- it's scientific fact -- and my heart has been breaking since that very first day we met. I can feel it now, aching deep behind my rib cage the way it does every time we're together, beating a desperate rhythm: Love me. Love me. Love me.”

“Everyone had their own agenda. She just had to stop reacting emotionally: decipher the real motives for their behaviour without taking every word as a personal attack.”

“It's your life. If you don't make it so that you get what you want, nobody else will.”

“We love the idea of transformation, so we can make ourselves something more than just ordinary. It's why you're doing this, isn't it?" she asked. "You don't want to settle for what you are; you want to be more. You want to win.”