Alec Cizak

Alec Cizak was dropped off on the planet Earth by Lao Tzu after the old wizard made love to a seven-legged go-go dancer from the interior regions of Neptune. The dancer refused to care for the infant Cizak and so Lao Tzu brought the baby to Earth and left him with a cult of syphilitic monks on an island in the Pacific Ocean. Cizak was granted immortality by the goddess Molena, a stripper from Spain, on the condition that he never reveal her recipe for spaghetti and eyeball soup. Unable to contain this magnificent secret, Cizak whispered the recipe to a Belgium nun named Poinsettia. The goddess Molena cursed Cizak to mortality and a bit of talent as a writer no significant number of his fellow mortals would ever care too much about. He currently lives with his wife in a cave in Antarctica where he writes dime novels under a pen name that cannot be revealed here for national security purposes.