Alex Adams

“How do you file a restraining order against sadness?”

“Fuck you. Fuck you with a chainsaw!”

“You're not dead.I'm not dead.Why? How?Dying wasn't on my list.”

“Do you realize you're talking to yourself?Yes.It's good that you know the difference.”

“One way, our way policy.”

“Just say the word and I'll make him stay.I have to do it.There's no have to. Not even now.”

“Otherwise I'll do something that I won't be able to live with. And that's important to me, being able to live with my actions. My thoughts are a different story. They've my own and they don't hurt anyone but me.”

“My two best friends are dead, which means they're great listeners now, but lousy as far as support goes.”

“I pray to a God I don't really have faith in just so I feel like I have company.”

“It's not just college grades that fall in a curve. Human decency is bell-shaped, with some of us slopping over the edges. Saints on one end, sinners on the other.”

“Just a cold. And I think maybe I'm pregnant, because I'm always riding the porcelain bus, or thinking about it.”

“Are you menstruating?what?You're angry. Women are often angry when they menstruate. It is the hormones.”

“Do you want me, too?Yes. And no.I'll take that. For now.”

“I've heard the story about the woman who opened the box and let havoc grab a choke hold on the world.”

“Have you ever been in love?Yes.What's it like?Great and terrible. Like Oz.”

“It's satisfying. It yields immediate results. Something is dirty. Then it's not.”

“If the world ends tomorrow, understand that I regret saying no.”

“If you kill him, call me. I'm bound by doctor client privilege.Really?No, but the courts make exceptions for assholes.”

“I think my invisibility cloak just failed.”

“Five years, my family thinks it's time I moved on. I'd like to move on with a non-asshole”

“You're on a blind date. The only other questions is: Why aren't you drinking heavily?”

“Please don't' ask me how I feel about it. If I had to pick a word, I'd say homicidal.”

“Can I ask you something?Boxers. Briefs exacerbate my claustrophobia.”

“She's unhurt—or at least not bleeding on the oustide.”

“Detach or go crazy.”

“I have two choices: attend my sister's dinner party or tie a plastic sack around my mother's head until she runs out of ngagging. I choose the evil that doesn't come witha felony conviction.”

“You'll love him. Or maybe you'll just love him a time or two.”

“My sister's voice is Minnie Mouse and a dash of fingernails down a chalkboard, but only when she wants to bend me to her will.”

“Worst case I'll bring Rain Man here. I'll tell him it's a date.Aha, so he's cute, then?Tasty. And smart. Can't beat that witha stick.”

“Our new intern sorts pot shards like some kind of savant. The other interns call himi Rain Man.”

“It's old. Really old.Is that a technical term?Yeah, it's technical. Translation: I don't know how old it is, but it's really fucking old.Wow. That is old.”

“Why don't you tell me why you called me?Don't you know?I'm a therapist, nto a psychic.That would make your job easier, no?Scarier.”

“You want something to drink?Is this a trick question?Yes. I'm going to read your personality based on your beverage choices, so choose wisely.”

“Thank God.Yeah, God. That guy.”

“Pa-rump, pa-rump, pa-rump. He's the Little Drummer Boy on speed.”

“A crude puppet impaled by her puppet master.”

“I don't want him to think I'm crazy, because I'm not. Desperate is what I am. Quietly desperate and insatiably curious.”

“Just so we're clear, I dont' secretly want to have sex with either of my parents.Me either. I worked through that in college just to make sure. It was touch and go for a while, especially when my father kept asking me if he looked pretty.”

“They rushed in like sickle cells forced through a vein.”

“When I awake, the world is still gone.”

“And while I tell him all my thoughts, I don't always share my secrets.”

“Love fills all the gaps in our souls.”

“He reels me in, cups my face with both hands, and becomes my whole world. This is a kiss--maybe the last one we'll ever know, so we stay there forever, warm and safe. When he pulls away, something is lost. I think it's my heart.”