Amber Dermont

“...up until that point, I'd thought that whatever existed between Cal and me was separate and distinct from the rest of the world. It hadn't occurred to me that a stranger could sense and recognize something so private.”

“I worried about enjoying myself around these guys. Worried about turning into one of them.”

“It wasn't that Ginger had messed me up. I realized that most guys would have been grateful. But she had taken some not small thing from me. Nadia was fifteen and she wanted to have sex. I wanted to do her this favor. Hoped that I wouldn't mess her up for life. We were all pretending we knew what we wanted to do with our bodies.”

“It was scary having that sort of power over a girl. You could hurt her in ways you might never understand.”

“I used to believe having a good memory meant being able to remember everything in perfect detail. Now I believe having a good memory means being able to selectively forget. It's not what I'll remember, Jason," he said. "It's what I'll forget that matters.”

“Jason, as much as I'd like to believe that we're friends, I know I can't count on you.”

“I don't know why I said what I did. Maybe I wanted Hannah to remember something, or maybe I wanted to test her, but when she asked me my name I didn't even pause. "My name is Aidan," I said. "It means fire.”

“We should make up our own phrase," I suggested. "Add our own contribution to nautical lore."Cal thought about it for a while and then said, "How about, the starboard sea?""What?" I asked. "Like the sea on the right side of the boat? That doesn't mean anything.""No," Cal insisted, "it means the right sea, the true sea, or like finding the best path in life. It's deep. I'm telling you, it's going to catch on. By this time next year, everyone will be using it.”

“Aidan had compared Bellingham to the Island of Misfit Toys, a sanctuary for the unwanted. But the problem, as I saw it, was that putting this many defective kids together only created more trouble.”

“It's how we know we're alive," ginger said. "We grieve the dead.”

“When you've done something terrible, something you regret, it gives you this special insight, like you can detect other people's bad behavior.”

“As much as she admired our ancestors' wealth, it bothered Mom that Riegel was so consumed by making money. "Your brother knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.”

“Cal and I had both predicted that Brizzey would marry young, divorce, then elope with some European slob with a fake title. She was doomed to run around Greenwich, forcing everyone to call her "the Duchess.”

“In a moment like this, there were so many beautiful and uncommon things worth saying. Aidan would have said them all, stealing this spectacle from the men who'd paid for it, making it her own.”

“My mother had once told Riegel and me this story about a friend of hers who lived in Newport. "Poor Celia," she'd said. "She lost two of her houses to hurricanes. Still has the farm in Rhinebeck, and it's a lucky thing that she has the ranch in Jackson Hole and her home on Jupiter Island. Otherwise, I just don't know what she would do." Riegel and I both dropped to our knees with laughter. The phrase "Poor Celia" became code for us. A shorthand for outrageous privilege.”

“I explained that guys hazed one another, that it was harmless, that it would ultimately lead to a lifelong bond. "They're war buddies," I said, confident that I knew what I was talking about.”

“That night on the Swan we'd promised each other that we'd have some sort of romance. Something unprecedented. "We don't have to be like other people," she'd said, and I'd believed her.”

“The idea of getting high on someone else's dime sounded like the right and necessary medicine.”

“Even in all that darkness I could see her beauty. Still, I couldn't claim it for myself. Instead, I decided to hurt her."You loved someone," I said, "who was completely inappropriate.”

“Don't you miss it?" I'd ask Aidan. "All that Hollywood sunshine?""It's like hating the color yellow," she'd say, "and living in a golden age.”

“How strange and rare it was to see the top of a girl's ear. I reached out to touch her, but my hand flew back from a spark of static electricity.”

“My scalp tingled like Christmas candy on a cold tongue.”

“I was surprised," I said, "to find someone here with you. I'd rather you existed only when I was around.”

“To be with someone who is stronger than you. To have him relinquish his strength.”

“I'd thought of her with unblinking eyes, moving always, across the pages of opened books with rapid precision, but as she stood in front of me, her eyes looked slow and watery. I capsized into them.”

“It's a silly thing, but I like to understand people through their obsessions.”

“That's what Cal would tell you about me. "Jason's the nice one," he'd say. "He'd give you all his stars.”

“Boredom is actually the most plentiful substance in the universe.”

“I'd used the word "beautiful" to describe another boy. I knew how it must have sounded to her. I also knew that it was exactly what I'd meant, exactly what I did not want to mean.”

“I slept well that night because someone had been kind to me.”

“I rushed off to Whitehall and assumed Aidan would head back to Astor. But when I turned around briefly, I saw Aidan uncoiling her black scarf from around her neck. She held each end of the scarf above her head, the silk capturing the wind, arching above her like a parachute. Aidan released one end, kiting the scarf. The wind swirled around her for a moment before Aidan let go completely. She was an excellent student. The light silk caught a thermal and rose, sailing above the water. A dark black bird against the blue sky.”

“I'd like to be a light meter.""A what?""A light meter. Like a photographer uses. Tinks had one this morning." Aidan snapped an imaginary photo of me. "I'd like to be able to measure and know for certain whether people were giving off light or taking light away.""You're strange," I said. "But I think I like that about you.”

“Bellingham Academy: everything you always wanted in a prep school and less.”

“You know, I'm going to make it a point whenever I see you to be like the ocean. You can look to me for relief.”

“In the weeks between my father's visit and Cal's death, I hurt my friend in ways that frightened me.”

“Everyone at Bellingham would know me, know who I was, by dinner. Would they consider me the hero or the fuckup? All I had wanted was to be anonymous.”

“For some parents, having children meant full absolution from any future mistakes. My father wouldn't permit himself to be wrong. He shifted the blame of misplaced scissors, rising interest rates, and iceless ice cube trays all unto Riegel and me.”