Ambrose Bierce

“Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.”

“The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men.”

“Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.”

“Revolution - In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.”

“Phonograph - An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.”

“Philosophy - A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.”

“Conversation: A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.”

“Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.”

“Alliance - In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.”

“Age - That period of life in which we compound for the vices that remain by reviling those we have no longer the vigor to commit.”

“Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.”

“Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.”

“Citation : Action de répéter de façon erronée les mots d'un autre.”

“Munafik adalah berprasangka tapi sok suci.”

“Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.”

“Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.”

“Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first.”

“Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.”

“Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.”

“VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.”

“GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust --to which, doubtless, will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, anarchists, snap-dogs and fools.”

“Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.”

“Opportunity: A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.”

“Humanity, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets.”

“Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.”

“Miss, n. A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.”

“Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.”

“FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.”

“Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.”

“You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.”

“Self-evident, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else.”

“All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.”

“An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.”

“HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers.”

“Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.”

“Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be.”

“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”

“Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.”

“Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.”

“Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.”

“Impiety, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.”

“Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”

“Bigamy, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy.”

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

“Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.”

“In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.”

“Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.”

“The covers of this book are too far apart.”

“Prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.”