B. Justin Shier

“Rei glanced over at me and nodded. “Exactly, Dieter. Just avoid having the cattle and keep walking.” I cleared my throat. “A cow. It’s ‘don’t have a cow.’” Rei frowned. “I fail to see why it must be a female.”

“To pass the time, I made valiant strides in my effort to read Ulysses, but feared I was losing the war. A hundred pages in, I was getting the sneaking suspicion that James Joyce might have been an asshole, and by Nebraska I was in a foul mood.”

“Stumbling out of the debris cloud, I ran smack into Jules."What the hell did ya do?" she asked in exasperation. "I mean, I only left ya alone for thirty minutes and---""Not me, Boss!" I gasped,coughing up some drywall."Monique. Rei. Schoolhouse-rumble.""Oi," Jules said, face-palming."For the love of the spirit, what for?"I dusted myself off. "Street cred, yo. Street cred.”

“I snipped off the stem and took a knee."For you, my love. A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet as your feet."Jules smacked me on the back of the head.”

“And then Dieter was like, 'Over my dead body!'"And I was thinking my roomie was about to get his wish."And then Rei got super vampy and was like, 'Yield to my power!'"And then Dieter started grunting and looked super uncomfortable."And then Rei took a step forward."And then Dieter dropped to his knees, but a moment later he started going 'Reee!'"And I was like, 'Oh, for the love of God, please don't kill me.'"And then Rei walked over and elbowed him in the head...."That's about it. Oh, and there were grenades.”

“Internal bleeding?""Indeed," she said, gesturing to a bag of light red fluid. "You pee blood as we speak."I felt down to my nether regions and blushed. There was a tube in my wee-wee. Rei smiled gleefully.”

“Let me take a moment to point out the glaringly obvious. Humans are idiots.”

“I spilled my cup of coffee straight onto my crotch. Superior heat retention has its drawbacks. I grimaced as the scalding liquid reached ground zero, but as I did my best to angle my jeans away from the Resnick family's last hope, my seatmate decided to dispose of her hoodie.I juggled two pressing needs:1) Protect the nethers.2) Leer”

“I fought the mighty urge to watch her put it on. My libido had just burst out of the closet and was tripping over furniture yelling, "Who? What? Where?" (Please excuse him. He doesn't get out much)”

“Her hair was bright red, her skin, pale, and I can't explain why, but something about her shouted, 'I heart granola.' She belonged in one of those commercials for asthma medicines. The one with two women skipping through the park as the voiceover says, "With my uncontrollable gasping under control, I'm free as a bird!”

“Son, a real battlefield lacks dignity and honor. When lives are being spent—actual human lives—those high-minded concepts lose their meaning. All that matters is victory. If you have blades, you’ll use blades. If you have rocks, you’ll use rocks. If there’s nothing but sand, you’ll throw the damn sand. A true war is only waged when men don’t want to live to see what failure looks like. You do what it takes to win. You go wherever necessity takes you.”

“I am aware that humans believe they are the sole owners of this curse, but all creatures love, Dieter. Love is our one shared madness, our one shared burden. All creatures are driven against sense by it, and even the lowest ant will die madly for her queen.”