Barry Hughart

“Our senses are woefully limited. Our brains are but tiny candles flickering in an infinity of darkness. Our only wisdom is to admit that we cannot understand, and since we cannot understand we must do the best we can with faith. which is our only talent. The greatest act of faith we are capable of is that of loving another more than we love ourselves, and occasionally we can be quite good at it.”

“Occasionally a moderately intelligent thought misses a turn and accidentally enters my mind”

“....Master Li turned bright red while he scorched the air with the Sixty Sequential Sacrileges with which he had won the all-China Freestyle Blasphemy Competition in Hangchow three years in a row.”

“A fool will study for twenty or thirty years and learn how to do something, but a wise man will study for twenty or thirty minutes and become an expert. In this world, it isn't ability that counts, but authority.”

“Show me a quest for personal immortality and I'll show you a path through a slaughterhouse, and the incense of personal divinity is the stench of other people's corpses.”

“The mind is a miser," he said. "Nothing is ever thrown away, and it's amazing what you can find if you dig deep enough.”

“The problem with 'the crown jewel of Chinese literature' [Dream of the Red Chamber] is that it has two thousand pages and an equal number of characters, and the hero is an effeminate ass who should have either been spanked or decapitated, both ends being equally objectionable.”

“I have never been able to understand why perfectly sensible people waste time being wittily obscure instead of just saying what they want and going on about their business.”

“Ox, at an early age a Chinese genius gazes at the path that lies ahead and reaches for a wine jar," Master Li said. "Is it any wonder that our greatest men have lurched rather than walked across the landscape as they hiccuped their way into history?”

“Ox, what occupation is most closely linked to insanity?''Emperor,' I said promptly.”

“Blessed are the idiots, for they are happiest people on earth.”

“...the problem with poetic justice is that it never knows when to stop.”

“Mystery and terror are the bulwarks of tyranny.”

“O great and mighty Master Li, pray impart to me the Secret of Wisdom!" he bawled."Take a large bowl," I said. "Fill it with equal measures of fact, fantasy, history, mythology, science, superstition, logic, and lunacy. Darken the mixture with bitter tears, brighten it with howls of laughter, toss in three thousand years of civilization, bellow kan pei — which means 'dry cup' — and drink to the dregs."Procopius stared at me. "And I will be wise?" he asked."Better," I said. "You will be Chinese.”

“The emotional health of a village depended upon having a man whom everyone loved to hate, and Heaven had blessed us with two of them.”

“Immortality is only for the gods," he whispered. "I wonder how they can stand it.”

“Fable has strong shoulders that carry far more truth than fact can.”

“Don't be ashamed of reliving your childhood, Ox, because all of us must do it now and then to maintain our sanity.”

“Coge un cuenco grande, dije. Llénalo con medidas iguales de hechos, fantasías, historia, mitología, ciencia, superstición, lógica y locura. Oscurece la mezcla con lágrimas amargas, aclárala con carcajadas, viértele tres mil años de civilización, grita kan pei, que significa "copa seca", y bébela hasta las heces." Propocio me clavó los ojos. "¿Y seré sabio?", preguntó. "Mejor que eso", le respondí. "Serás chino.”

“Error can point the way to truth, while empty-headedness can only lead to more empty-headedness or to a career in politics.”

“Master Li, how are we going to murder a man who laughs at axes?" I asked.We are going to experiment, dear boy. Our first order of business will be to find a deranged alchemist, which should not be very difficult. China," said Master Li, "is overstocked with deranged alchemists.”

“The supernatural can be very annoying until one finds the key that transforms it into science," he observed mildly... "Come on, Ox, let's go out and get killed.”