Beatrice Sparks

“…I’d have died without them [books]. Even now I’m not really sure which parts of myself are real and which parts are things I’ve gotten from books.”

“I'm afraid to live and afraid to die.”

“Why is life so difficult? Why can't we be just ourselves and have everyone accept us the way we are?”

“This morning when I left Mom's parting words were, "Come straight home after school." Wow! Like I'm going to get stoned at 3:30—it doesn't sound so bad at that.”

“They have accepted me as an individual, as a personality, as an entity. I belong! I am important! I am somebody!”

“¿Por qué será tan difícil la vida? ¿Porqué no podemos ser como somos y que nos acepten como tales? ¿Por qué no puedo ser yo, sencillamente, tal como soy ahora, sin necesidad de concentrarme, de mortificarme sobre mi pasado y sobre mi futuro?”

“Tengo este necio temor: el temor de ser vieja sin haber sido nunca joven deverdad.”

“Antes pensaba que la única que sentía las cosas era yo, pero realmente no soy sino una parte infinitamente pequeña de la humanidad que sufre.”

“Tal vez ha sido bueno sufrir tanto, pues eso me hará más comprensiva y tolerante con el resto de la humanidad.”

“Querido Diario: Han transcurrido mil años lunares, del tiempo lunar. Todoel mundo ha estado contando historias menos yo. No tengo nada digno quecontar. Todo lo que puedo hacer es dibujar monstruos, órganos internos yodiar.”

“Incluso con mis amigas no soy realmente yo misma.En parte soy otra; tratando de encajar, de decir cosas apropiadas, de hacerlas cosas requeridas, de estar en el lugar más indicado, de vestir comovisten todos. A veces pienso que cada uno trata de ser la sombra de otro;compramos los mismos discos y hacemos como los demás, aunque no nosguste. Los muchachos son como robots, piezas en línea para el montaje, yyo no quiero ser un robot.”

“¿Cómo puedo sentirme tan miserable, turbada, humillada, apaleada, yhablar todavía, funcionar, sonreír y, concentrarme?”

“I wanted to write in you.”

“I guess I'll never measure up to anyone's expectations. I surely don't measure up to what I'd like to be.”

“Color intermingled with color. People intermingled with people. Color and people intercoursing together.”

“I only know that I am now a priestess of Satan trying to maintain after a freak-out to test how free everybody was and to take our vows.”

“How is it possible for me to be so miserable and embarrassed and humiliated and beaten an function still talk and smile and concentrate?”

“The voice of every kid hooked on drugs, alcohol or the occult joins the sad chorus “Not me! I didn’t think it could ever happen to me. I was sure I could handle it.”

“Like usual, what I want is not important, what I’m supposed to do that counts.”

“Judas, boredom is such a drag, drag, drag. Writing might be good therapy for me, though.”

“If people are going to keep a journal, they should do it when they’re little, where all the good things happen, before life starts kicking you in the ass and in the head and every other places.”

“They don’t think “I care,” “I hurt,” or “I have feelings.” It just seems like I’m always “wrong,” always “selfish,” always “self-centered” and everything else that’s negative and destructive.”

“I would like to stay stoned all the time, it scares me it’s so good. I would like to stay stoned every minute of every day for the rest of my life.”

“What do you know about love? Are your feelings more holy than mine? Am I exempt from the knowledge of love until I become “of age?” Do I automatically become human enough when I start loving you and seeing things your way?”

“Why so much hate in your mind when love is the only way to straighten things out?”

“You can’t do anything to please anybody or say anything to please them or even dress so they’ll be happy and give you a smile.”

“When I’m with him, everything makes so much sense…when I’m away, it’s so much shit.”

“I’m really cracking. No, I’m beyond cracking. I’m shattered. I’m lost. I’m fragmented.”

“Ife can sure be a downer.”

“I thought I was unhappy before… I was just a stupid young kid that didn’t know what happiness was. I was like a snot in a candy store who not only wanted all he could eat, but the whole thing. Life is stupid. Stupid. Or at least to this point, mine is.”

“Upped but mentally disjointed.”

“We are all in natural high, It was better than dope or booze or anything.”

“Everyone is trying to get attention but intelligent persons get theirs by doing something worthwhile, beneficial to himself and the community.”

“Sometimes fantasies are better than life.”

“I guess this like everything else bad in life, will pass.”

“It’s a terrible thing but it seems like tragedy brings people together, makes them more supportive, more dependent.”

“Then there’s me… non-relevant, non-predicable… ass-headed.”

“I pretend I’ve got lots of confidence and I’m a big jock and like that but deep inside I’m a frightened, insecure, can’t-make-it failure.”

“I feel rotten but I can’t change the way I feel.”

“Alone. The saddest word in the world.”

“I know I was drugged but that is still no excuse. Why do they want to do things like that?”

“I’ve got to sleep. Sleep is my only way to escape.”

“Lying – remembering beauty in truth.”

“I hope they never have to go through the kind of soul searching that I am going through.”

“Got my shit together” Definition: I’ve learned how to play it cool. I’ve got some ideas worked out.”

“I have invested my heart. There is a chance that it will be broken but also a chance at unlimited happiness.”

“My biggest mistake: not wanting to help myself into thinking I am happy, that change would come about without really trying to change, or wanting to change. Procrastinating about changing. I do want to change.”

“It's a good thing most people bleed on the inside or this would be a gory, blood-smeared earth.”

“How can thoughts hurt so much when they aren't even physical?”

“I'm partly somebody else trying to fit in and say the right things and do the right thing and be in the right place and wear what everybody else is wearing. Sometimes I think we're all trying to be shadows of each other, trying to buy the same records and everything even if we don't like them. Kids are like robots, off an assembly line, and I don't want to be a robot!”