Bill Maher

“In pharmaceutical speak, psilocybin is known as an asshole inhibitor.”

“If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.”

“The big mistake of modern media has been this notion of balance for balance's sake. That the left is just as violent and cruel as the right, that unions are just powerful as corporations, that reverse racism is just as damaging as racism....Governments led by liberal democrats passed laws which changed the air I breathe for the better. Okay I'm for them and not for the party that is as we speak plotting to abolish the E.P.A. And I don't need to pretend that both sides have a point here, and I don't care what left or right commentators say about it. I only care what climate scientists say about it.Two opposing sides don't necessarily have two compelling arguments. Martin Luther King speaks on that wall in the capital and he didn't say "Remember folks, those southern sheriffs with the fire hoses and the German shepherds, they have a point too." No, he said, "I had a dream and they had a nightmare." This isn't Team Edward & Team Jacob. Liberals like the ones on that field must stand up and be counted and not pretend that we're as mean or greedy or shortsighted or plain batched as they are. And if that is too polarizing for you and you still want to reach across the aisle and hold hands and sing with someone on the right ... Try Church.”

“Since the topic is science, the non scientists don't get a vote. We shouldn't decide everything by polling the masses. This is the fallacy called Argumentum Ad Numerum, the idea that something is true because great number believe it, as in EAT SHIT, twenty trillions flies can't be wrong!”

“Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position”

“We've been brainwashed into believing that it's a sin to discriminate. But discrimination doesn't mean racism; it means telling unlike things apart. Iowa grandpas and nine-year-old girls from Ohio are simply not looking to visit 'a painful chastisement upon the Western infidels.”

“Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he's a secret Republican.”

“When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.”

“If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".”

“Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?”

“New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.”

“I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.”

“The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.”

“We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep & conformists.”

“Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.”

“You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president.”

“Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that's what he is!”

“Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.”

“We're all gonna be gay if we get health care!”

“This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.”

“I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt? -timecode 1:11:10”

“Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.”

“New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are “same sex” marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.”

“The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.”

“I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.”

“You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.”

“You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.”

“NEW RULE: 'Kidiots' Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has shown that half of American high schools agree that newspapers should only be able to publish government-approved material. Almost one out of five said people should not be allowed to voice unpopular opinions..This is the first generation after September 11th, who discovered news during a 'watch what you say' administration...George W. Bush once asked, 'is our children learning.' No, they isn't. A better question would be, 'is our teacher's teaching?”

“you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!”

“Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.”

“Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids.”

“Don't you miss the days when America was just MORALLY bankrupt?”

“I think religion is a neurological disorder.”

“I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.”

“Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.”

“freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that "Oh, I don't get involved in politics," as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.”

“Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.”

“The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them."(The Decider, July 21, 2007)”

“Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?”

“We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.”

“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”

“That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.”

“The "Power of One" is a slogan--not a goal. ”

“There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results."... Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic. ......Other symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia are: Do you see things that aren't there? Such as a link between 9/11 and Iraq? Do you - do you feel things that you shouldn't be feeling, like a sense of accomplishment? Do you have trouble organizing words into a coherent sentence? Do you hear voices that aren't really there? Like, oh, I don't know, your imaginary friend, Jesus? Telling you to start a war in the Middle East.Well, guess what? There are a large number of people out there also suffering from the same delusions, because there are Republicans, there are conservatives, and then there are the Bushies. This is the 29 percent of Americans who still think he's doing "a heck of a job, Whitey." And I don't believe that it's coincidence that almost the same number of Americans - 25 percent - told a recent pollster that they believe that this year - this year, 2007 - would bring the Second Coming of Christ!I have a hunch these are the same people. Because, if you think that you're going to meet Jesus before they cancel "Ugly Betty," then you're used to doing things by faith. And if you have so much blind faith that you think this war is winnable, you're nuts and you shouldn't be allowed near a voting booth.”

“Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit!”