Bonnie Dee

“That’s what I feel. Really pissed at myself for ruining my life, and… pissed at the world for going on like normal.”

“It was a simple lesson, really. He could never, ever allow misplaced ideals to seduce him. He would not employ death as a tool.”

“If Spence had really wanted to bed Miss Nordstrum, he would have said how she’d been in his mind since the moment he arrived in Reederville. He’d have added that her visits to Amanda after the baby’s birth had given him hope that she might have come in part to see him.And he would have ended by assuring her that when he agreed to go riding with her today it hadn’t been with the intention of kissing her, buther beauty had stolen his senses away and he couldn’t resist hercharms. He wouldn’t have fucked her that afternoon, but sometime within a month, he could’ve seduced her into bed.Spence was a master at weaving a spell of words to charm a womaninto doing what he wanted. Hadn’t he proven that with Amanda? Amanda, who wouldn’t leave his head, day or night.Amanda, the most colossal mistake of his life.”

“He waited a few more seconds, hoping her tight jaw would unclench and she’d ask him to stay, but she sat staring down the empty track.There was nothing for him to do but walk away. The drum of his boot heels as he left Amanda and Lydia behind sounded like the clang of thedoor slamming shut on his prison cell in Lexington. Each step away fromthem felt like a year added to his sentence.Spence only walked about a hundred yards before he stopped. His chest ached so much he could hardly draw breath. He couldn’t do this.He looked back over his shoulder at Amanda sitting on the bench. She held Lydia on her lap facing her, resting against her arms and looking up into her face. They were involved in an intimate, one-sided conversation.He stood and stared. He couldn’t leave them, but Amanda had made it clear she didn’t want him. God, he would give anything if he could goback and change the way they’d met. But how could he have done thingsdifferently and still have met Amanda? If he hadn’t pretended to be Travis Baxter that day at the station, she never would’ve spoken to him at all. Spence couldn’t regret what he’d done nor could he condone it. It was a double-edged sword.”

“There’s this girl…this woman I can’t get out of my mind.” He spilled the story of his seduction of sweet, innocent Amanda McCormick for Rufus’s examination. When he finished talking, there was another silence.“You did that?” Rufus’s voice was as deep and gravelly as a quarry.“Fucked some poor virgin while posing as her fiancé?”“Yeah.”“You got some balls. How’d you know you’d be a close enough match to this Baxter?”“Brown hair, blue eyes, that’s all she seemed to know about him.”Spence couldn’t explain his need for the rush of tempting fate. “I took a chance. It was a gamble.”“Jesus, you’re a mean son of a bitch.”“I didn’t want to hurt her. I was just having fun.” He sounded like a spoiled child even to himself. “And now you want to go see this woman and try to make it right?”Rufus said. “Just how the hell did you think you were going to fix it? Byshowing up and wrecking her marriage, if you haven’t done that already?”It was Spence’s turn to pause.“Haven’t you done enough to this lady? Where’s your head, boy?Leave her alone.”“I can’t. I have to see her again.” He didn’t want to share his dreamsof the little girl. He’d sound crazy.Rufus laughed harshly. “So you can try and get another piece of tail?”“No. It’s not like that.”“What? You think you’re in love. Son, you don’t know the first thingabout it. If you did, you’d be putting this woman’s needs above your own.”He thought of the little girl telling him to go to Amanda. “Maybe whatshe needs is me.”Rufus made a scoffing noise. “A woman needs a man who’ll stand byher, be there through hard times and good. From what you’ve told methese past months, this is the longest you’ve stayed put in one place inyour life and that’s only ‘cause they won’t let you out.”“I just want to do the right thing.”“Then do like I say. Leave her be. You think she’s going to be happyto see you again?”Spence pulled his blanket tighter around his shoulders and watched a gray cloud puff from his mouth.“You still there, boy?”“Where else?”“Don’t take it too hard. Everybody does things they’re sorry for.Sometimes there’s just no way to make it right.”He leaned back against the wall and reviewed the stupid chain of events that had landed him in jail. Maybe Rufus was right and there was no way he could ever apologize for what he’d done to Amanda. He should let the whole thing slide and leave the woman in peace.”

“Alan lowered the lamp flame until there was only a glimmer of light in the room. His skin burned with fever as he climbed into bed beside Huiann. He felt like a groom on his wedding night except, he reminded himself, there would be no copulation. None. Not tonight.”

“When she’d finished, she cut the thread with a pair of scissors, patted the wound once more and stepped back. “Better.”“No bandage?”She shook her head. “No bandage. Need air.”“All right. I guess you’re the doctor.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her onto his lap. Even in the midst of inflicting pain she’d aroused his lust. “Don’t I get a reward for being a good patient?”“I don’t understand.” She delivered the all-purpose phrase he’d taught her.“Reward. A kiss.”The grooves in her cheeks flashed as her lips turned up. “Yes, you need a kiss.” And she bent her head to give him one.”

“Huiann swallowed, her hands clasped together and her eyes glassy with tears, then she spoke some more.“Her heart is full of feeling for you, but she knows it is wrong for her to stay with you. She wishes for you to find a white woman who will fit into your life and be the wife you need.”Alan started shaking his head before Dong Li even finished translating. “No. Tell her she makes me happy. She is exactly the wife I need.” He breathed deeply, steadying the quaver in his voice. “Ask Chua Huiann if she will do me the honor of marrying me.”Dong clicked his tongue, but offered Alan’s proposal.Huiann’s eyes opened wide and she spoke rapidly.“How would your family and your people react to you marrying a foreign bride? You would be ostracized. It cannot be.” Dong added his own thoughts to the translation. “The girl speaks sense and sees more clearly than you.”Alan frowned. He couldn’t promise his family would accept Huiann or ever welcome them home as a couple, but he didn’t care. Maybe she was seeing reason, but he was only seeing her.”

“Alan shook his head. Jeremy was hopeless. Either he’d find an equally soft-headed girl and they’d live happily ever after like two cooing doves, or he’d be eaten alive by some she-spider.”

“Her protector and savior was shirtless and barefoot, dressed only in a pair of drawers. He stood beside the bed with his back to her, turning down the covers. She studied the rippling muscles of his shoulders and arms as he performed the mundane task. His back was a beautiful, pale canvas on which she could imagine painting letters and designs. She admired the bands of muscle and the shadows beneath his shoulder blades. His drawers sagged low, revealing narrow hips and the intriguing curve of his rear. Her sex tightened at the glimpse of his buttocks.His face was in profile and his nose no longer seemed too big or his features too coarse as she’d once thought, so long ago it seemed. Instead, they appeared assertively masculine except for the thick sweep of eyelashes and the generous fullness of his lips.Alan noticed her and turned. The blanket fell from his fingers as he gazed at her with the eyes of a hungry dragon. His lips parted and the exhalation of his breath floated to her across the quiet room. Then he walked toward her.”

“When the last peak died away, Alan opened his eyes. Huiann was watching his face. He was embarrassed until he saw the glitter of tears in her eyes.He touched her cheek. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…” His sticky spunk was all over her hand and his belly and he felt like a fool. He reached to grab the undershirt he’d tossed aside and wiped both of them clean. “I’m sorry.”“No. No, Alan.” She touched her fingers to his mouth. “Gou. It is good. You face is beau-ti-ful.” She pronounced each syllable with exquisite care.He kissed the fingers pressed to his lips. “No, you’re beautiful. A damn miracle.”

“Together they sank onto the mattress, lying face-to-face. The bed was too narrow for two, but Alan would’ve been entwined as close as possible with her even if they were lying in his parents’ huge tester bed, the one his Dutch grandfather, a wealthy merchant, had brought over from Amsterdam.”

“Alan prayed she wasn’t complying from some sense of obligation. He didn’t want that, but neither could he bear for her to leave him to spend another night alone.”

“The exhaustion apparent in his slumped shoulders made her heart twist. He looked so tired she wanted to rub his back and stroke his hair, as a mother would for a child. This was natural compassion, she decided, and walked toward him to give him what comfort she could.He finally heard her and lifted his head from his arms. Locks of sandy hair fell over his forehead and he looked up at her with deep indigo eyes. Even in the dim light, she could see pain etched across his features. What horrors stalked his dreams? What could she do to help him sleep peacefully?For a long moment they gazed at one another and then Huiann rested her hand on his shoulder. At the same time, Alan leaned into her body. They came together like two halves of an eggshell carefully broken. He slid a hand around her waist and pulled her closer. His face pressed against her breast. His arms wrapped around her.She held him, cradling his head, rubbing his back. His body was so warm in her embrace. Her heart beat steadily and her stomach flipped in slow, lazy somersaults. The moment she’d sensed coming for so long was here. What would happen next?For a long time, they remained locked in perfect union, contented, safe, no longer alone. As she caressed his hair, soft as she’d imagined, he tilted his face to look up at her. His eyes glittered in the lamplight. He wanted more and Huiann realized she did too.”

“Her first impression had been that he was ugly— huge and gangly with eerie transparent eyes. But when he’d smiled at her, lights danced across those blue eyes like sparkles on a river, and she’d seen beauty in his unfamiliar features. How could anyone with a smile that warm be evil or untrustworthy? After she got over her initial fear, she even found the man’s size appealing and powerfully masculine. Fireflies flitted and glowed in her stomach whenever their eyes met.”

“As he left Chinatown behind, Alan thought of the woman he’d seen on the wharf the other day, the golden splendor of her gown, her glossy hair and the turbulent emotion in her eyes. He wondered what she was doing right now and if she’d found happiness in her new home.”

“Mmm.” The vibration in his chest pressed against her back shot sparks of hot lust through her. “I love you this way.” He guided his erection to nudge her entrance. “I love you every way.”Katya smiled and pushed back against him. “I love you, too.”

“When the Warrior pulled her half onto his lap and she felt the hard bulge of his erection thrusting up from his groin pressing into her hip, Katya grew nervous. She pulled away, gasping, and pressed him back with her hand on his chest. “Wait! Wait.” She licked her tingling lips and touched them with her fingertips, wondering what she’d been thinking to awaken this sleeping giant. What had happened to her vow to fight him off with all her strength?Turan’s dark eyes glowed like two banked coals ready to ignite into flame. “Please. More,” he begged hoarsely. “Please.”She suddenly realized that, despite the fact he could snap her in two if he wished, she was the one with the power. He didn’t intend to hurt or force her.”

“All of a sudden, she was there, breaking away from the little group of women and running toward him. She raced across the space between them and threw her arms around his neck. The force of her body knocked him back a few steps as she wrapped around him like a trumpet vine on a cornstalk.He regained his footing and snaked his arms around her, holding her close. Hisexhaustion disappeared in a moment, erased by the incredible fact that Catherine was in his arms right here on the street in front of half the town, lifting her face to kiss him. Hecouldn’t refuse her offer and bent his head to cover her soft lips with his. The heat and pressure of her mouth took away all the residual anxiety and fear still floating in him and filled him with wild elation instead.After several long minutes of feasting on her mouth like a starving man, he pulled away and his eyes opened. Her tear-streaked face filled his vision. His stomach dropped.Why was she crying? What had happened to her?He was aware of the crowd of people around them. Glancing up, he saw many eyes focused on him and Catherine, mouths talking, expressions of surprise and shock. He let go of her and stepped back, although it was far too late to protect her reputation.Catherine cupped his face, drawing his attention back to her, and her lips weremoving. “…don’t you? Never again!” She frowned and signed as she spoke. “Never!Understand? I love you.” Her graceful hands made the love sign, which looked as though she was offering her heart to him.At last Jim realized she was upset with him for putting himself in danger. If he’d doubted that she cared, those doubts evaporated under the force of her fury. He nodded and promised.”

“When he finally broke off the kiss and moved his lips to her neck, then her breast again, sucking her nipples back to hard peaks, Catherine broke from her trance.“No. I really must go. We haven’t time to do this again.” She pushed against hisrestraining hands and wiggled beneath his body. “Let me up now.”He pulled away from her neck and looked up, his eyes as poignant as a spoken plea.Her heart wrenched and she wished she could spend the rest of the day with him, making love in their secret nest in the loft.She sighed. “Don’t give me puppy dog eyes. I’ve got to go.”

“Catherine glimpsed him again, leaning against the wall, arms folded. People passed back and forth between them, but she caught flashes of his face. His expression was tense and unhappy and his eyes still focused on her.She ducked behind a large man to hide and chatted with various people to keep the distance of a room between them. She’d known Jim would probably be here tonight and she’d planned to greet him politely as a teacher would treat a student since everyone knew she was tutoring him anyway. But that smoldering look he’d given her had changed everything. The way he looked and the way she felt, surely if they got within a foot of each other the entire town would see the combustible attraction between them as if they’d shouted it aloud. No. Better to accept a dance with some white-bearded farmer who would swing her around hard enough to tear her bodice seam. Better to help Mrs. Hildebrandt cut one of the cakes at the refreshment table and gush over Polly Flint’s new baby or spend a moment in the coatroom fixing Jennie’s straggling curls. Better to chat or dance with every member of the Broughton community than admit to the fact that Jim was standing solitary and friendless in his brand new suit, waiting for her to acknowledge him At one point it seemed he might approach her as he moved through the crowd in her direction. But when Catherine flitted away, putting more distance between them, he stopped and stationed himself by the wall once more, leaving it up to her to come to him.To her infinite shame, she didn’t—not even to say a quick “hello,” and when she next stole a surreptitious glance toward him, he was gone. She scanned the room. He’d left the building. She had no idea how long he’d been gone.”

“She turned to go back inside the livery stable. The excitement with which she’dentered it less than an hour earlier had been replaced by heavy-hearted dread. She didn’t want to see Jim right now, or even think of him and the ramifications of their impossiblerelationship.He waited for her only a few yards from the door, leaning against Lady’s stall and scratching her forelock. When Catherine approached, he raised his eyebrows.“Nathan won’t tell.” She pressed a finger to her lips. “We’re safe.”Jim stood there a moment, his expression unreadable. He took a tentative step toward her, pointed to her and himself and twined his fingers together with another questioningtilt of his brows.“I don’t know.” She shook her head. “I don’t know if we’re together or not. I simply don’t know. Please don’t ask me this tonight. I need some time to think.”His gaze was riveted on her lips, then her eyes. He seemed calm, but she noticed tension in his jaw and neck, signs she’d learned to read to tell her when he was upset or angry. She wished she could give him a better answer, could tell him what he wanted tohear, but to say “I love you and want to be with you” would be a lie right now. Her conflicting emotions were tearing her apart.Walking over to him, she tilted her face up and kissed him on the cheek. “I’m sorry,”she whispered near his ear so he couldn’t see her words. “I don’t mean to keep hurting you. I want to love you, but I’m afraid. You don’t understand what a huge thing you’reasking of me.”She stepped back, gave him a small smile, and gestured toward the door. “I have to go now. It’s late. But I’ll try to see you soon.”He nodded, but the hopeful light had gone out of his eyes.”

“There were many things he had to tell her, but what he really needed to say was simple. “I’ve missed you so much and ache to see you again. Every moment of the day no matter what else I’m doing you’re in my thoughts. I want to … need to see you again.Please come to me.”Pressing pencil to paper, he wrote. “See me. 7. Jim.” He thought a moment and added “Livery Stable” just as it was printed on the sign above the door of the building.Folding the paper, he wrote “Miss Johnson” on the outside.”

“Hurling the box released some of his anger. It felt good so he swept his arm across the top of his dresser, knocking his pitiful possessions onto the floor, the ridiculous little carved animals, pathetic toiletries and useless old catalog he could never afford to orderfrom. These paltry items were the sum of his entire dismal life.He kicked the frame of his bed, hurting his foot and knocking the light cot awayfrom the wall. Heedless of Rasmussen hearing the noise, he cried out his rage and frustration, tore the covers off the bed, picked up the pillow and punched it. He hurled it across the room. Dragging the thin mattress from the metal mesh of the cot, he tossed iton the floor and looked around, but there was nothing else to tear apart since he owned so little. Laughing at the irony, he sank onto the mattress on the floor, his legs drawn to hischest, forehead bowed to his knees, and his hands cradling the back of his neck.Caught between harsh laughter and sobs, he breathed in hitching bursts. He had no future, definitely no girl, and soon, no home. What the hell was he going to do?”

“I’m sorry. No.” Her mouth continued to move, too fast, pouring out a stream ofexplanation and apology.Jim didn’t need to understand all the words. “Sorry, sorry, sorry, but no,” they all said.”

“She gazed back at him, her mouth open, gasping for air. Her white blouse rose and fell with each panting breath. She shook her head. “No. We can’t. I’m sorry.”His gut twisted. He wanted to shout, “Why? Why can I never have what I want—just once?”

“He raised a hand in response and tossed the ear of corn into the wagon. Then hereturned to his fantasy, imagining himself running the livery instead of working there, making the decisions, placing orders, selecting new horses, agreeing to board others, andhiring a boy to muck out the stalls and pitch hay.In his daydream, he no longer lived in the back room. He came home at night to a small house he’d bought with his earnings. Inside, a woman waited for him. A wife. In his fantasy her hair was as golden as the ear of corn he tossed into the wagon and hereyes as blue as the cloudless sky overhead. Catherine smiled at him and he could hear as well as see her say his name. “Jim! Welcome home.”

“But, after one quick trace of his tongue between her lips, he abruptly pulled away and stepped back from her. She was leaning into him so hard he had to put his hands on her shoulders to steady her.Catherine’s eyes flew open. Releasing her shoulders, he pointed past her to the books he’d set on the desk.She opened her mouth to protest, but closed it again. As she followed Jim, she caught a glimpse of his profile when he picked up the books and slate. There was a smug grin on his face. He was toying with her, teaching her a lesson—that two could play at heating things up and abruptly cooling them down.Indignation and amusement competed in her as she took her seat beside him and he handed her the paper he’d written. She hadn’t set him any homework. He’d done it on his own, printed a brief description of their picnic in short sentences or single words. It wasalmost like a poem without rhyme. “Fish swim water. Sky. Trees. Leaves. Eat food. Drink.”She smiled at him. “Very good.”He touched his lips, puckering them ina kiss, and tapped the signing book.“Kiss,” she said and looked up the sign for it. “Fingers touching thumbs as bothhands come together,” the text said. Her cheeks flushed as she read, “trembling slightly to indicate the degree of passion.”Catherine made the movement as she repeated the word aloud. “Kiss.”Jim copied the movement, shaping his lips like hers. He pointed to the slate and offered her the chalk so she could spell the word. He studied each letter as she wrote it, before printing them himself: K-i-s-s.Catherine’s cheeks flamed even hotter from seeing it written in glaring white against the black slate. Kiss. Kiss. Somehow there seemed to be no denying or hiding it now that it was written down. She glanced at Jim’s lips and her nipples tightened at the memory ofhis mouth sucking them.”

“Jim had spent most of his life alone. The solitary nature of his disability and the constant moving had made it difficult for him to make friends. With his mother’s death,his last connection to a person was severed. He existed in Broughton like a ghost, doing his odd jobs, too silent for anyone to notice.”

“She thought that they could live together for twenty years and he might never consider asking her about marriage. Tom didn’t follow the usual patterns.If marriage was what she wanted, then she would have to be the one to propose to him.”

“I want to take care of it. I need to do something to make up for…” He breathed out shakily. His hands clenched at his sides and he stared at the ground. “I’m sorry for making all of this happen. He was right. I should have stayed away from you. I’ve brought you nothing but trouble.”Sarah grabbed his shoulders and forced him to look into her eyes. “No! Forgeteverything that man ever said. You did nothing wrong. Not ever. He made this happen.”She grasped his hands and held them. “I don’t know how many more ways I can say it.I’m happy you came here. You’ve…” she hesitated over the melodramatic words, but they were the truth and he needed to hear them, “brought my heart to life again.”She rubbed her hands over his bandaged ones then lifted them to her mouth andkissed the backs of them.She gestured to the smolder ruin. “We’ll take care of that later. Right now I have something more important for you to do. I want you to come inside with me. I need you to hold me.”His eyes were glistening as he looked into hers. He nodded then took her hand and followed her into the house.”

“Sarah drew a deep breath and released it slowly, waiting for her voice to steady before she spoke. “It’s a ve ry good story. Are those the things you want for yourself? ”He nodded and began folding the advertisement. “But I can’t have them,” he said matter-of-factly.“Why not?”He shrugged as if it was obvious and she remembered that earlier he had declared, “I’m not normal.” She had to admit it was hard to picture this strange man living a normal family life in an average community. His differences were stamped all over his body as well as hidden deep inside him.”

“She snuggled against Tom, grateful to have him back and ready to face any obstacles to their happiness. “You won’t leave again, ” she demanded, “No matter how difficult things might get for us.”“Never again,” he promised.”

“The little group before her finally moved on and Sarah took its place, standing before Tom like he was a painting in a museum.And then his vacant eyes dropped from that point somewhere above her head and he looked at her—looked into her eyes and registered her presence. His eyes widened and his mouth opened wordlessly.For the space of six heartbeats they stared at one another and then Sarah simply said, “Come home.” She held her hand out to him.He gazed at it for a moment.“Come with me,” she said softly.Slowly he rose from his chair and walked toward her. He slipped his hand into hers and his palm was warm and callused.She stepped back and pulled him along with her. Suddenly his arms went around her, hugging her tight, his head dropped to her shoulder and his mouth pressed into her hair as he whispered, “I can’t believe you’re here.”Her hands slipped up the smooth, supple skin of his back to hook over his shoulders. She buried her face against his chest, breathing him in, forgetting time and place and circumstance and just holding him.”

“Finally, he slipped his arms around her too.Her eyes closed in relief.“I was thinking,” His voice rumbled against her ear. “That I’ve brought you so much trouble after everything you’ve done for me. Maybe it’s not too late to fix it. If I leave…”“No!” She pulled away and looked up into his face. It was swollen red around one eye and his nose. Brown flecks of paint marred the blue swirls. “That’s not going to solveanything.”He stroked the side of her face, his thumb lingering across her lips. “If I leave, it will be better.”“Not for me.” Tears welled at the corners of her eyes and she blinked them away.He gathered her close again, kissing the top of her head and rubbing his hand on her back. “Don’t cry. ”When Sarah thought about it later, she would realize that he had never added, “I’ll stay.”

“Her tone changed from shocked to curious. “How was it? Was it… different?”Sarah bit her lip, ashamed to be gossiping but feeling the strong urge to tell. “Yes,”she confided. “He’s nothing like John. Nothing like him at all.”“Really? What was different? Did he…?” Grace waved a hand as though erasing achalkboard. “Oh, forget it. I shouldn’t be asking this. But,” again her voice lowered, “is he tattooed everywhere?”Sarah knew it was wrong to talk about him like this, but her inner schoolgirl took over and she nodded, eager to share details. “He’s beautiful … like a stained glass window. And he’s really good with his … mouth.” She raised an eyebrow, giving Grace a significant look.Her friend gasped and giggled. “But isn’t it weird? Touching him?”“Skin is skin, Grace,” Sarah chided. “The tattoos are only on the surface, you know.He’s a man.” A sexy, vulnerable, intense, attractive, responsible, sweet, gentle and loving man.”

“I know you’ve done that. I watched you fight with that man and stab him, but what does it feel like? Not just stabbing, but killing someone.” “Feels good. Feels like you’re still alive and your enemy is dead.” - Cage Match”

“Well, honey, once you’ve been head-over-heels in love with somebody, you don’t go back to being ‘friends’. It doesn’t work that way.”