Brent Crawford

“So I think when you tap into something that you really want to do, you have to fight for it, even if the fight is with yourself.”

“I’m probably sterile. At least I can stop worrying about getting girls pregnant (if I ever get to have sex with them). Do you still get horny if your nuts are broken? My eyes open, and I find Andre standing over me, saying, “I felt your nads through my helmet!” I stop writhing for a second to give him props. “That’s gold, dude!”

“My life would be a lot easier if I enjoyed it more.”

“There's nothing like being called a feminine hygiene product to keep you from crying.”

“Carter: "Dude, I don't know why it works, it just does. [...] Just pretend you're not into 'em and then ask a question. What's the worst that could happen?"EJ makes eye contact with the smallest one, off to the side. [...]She looks up at EJ and gives him the nicest smile. He pulls the trigger and yells, "You think you're hot stuff, don't you?"What the...? Where are you going with this?"Excuse me?" she replies, kind of sweetly.EJ asks, "You think you're cool, don't you? Where did you get that shirt, the Salvation Army? What the hell is with your hair?My eyes are as big as basketballs as he fires one mean-ass question after another at her."You don't have a boyfriend, do you?" he continues.It's like he's armed with self-esteem killer."Did your parents have any kids that lived?" EJ asks.The girls starts to buckle, and tears are on the way."Are these your friends, or are they like, counselors here to observe you?" EJ shouts. [...]He asks, "Does your grandma know you borrowed her shoes?" as I drag him away. The girl is crying pretty hard, and her friends are trying to console her. [...]"Man, that didn't do very well. What do you think I did wrong?" EJ asks."Are you serious?" I ask"I was just doing what you told me to," he replies."I-I-I told you to go up to that girl and start abusing her?" I ask."You said to ask her questions and pretend I didn't like her!" he yells back."Pretend YOU'RE NOT INTO HER!" I clarify. "Not that you hate her and wish she would die! Good God, that girl thought she was gonna get a boyfriend when you walked up, not years of therapy.""Do you think I still have a shot?" he asks"NO, I don't!" I bark”

“Well, you know, I might try out for the musical," I say real quick.[...] She nods and says, "You should. We need guys." [...] She smiles and says, "Break a leg" as I walk out.That was uncalled for. "Bitch," I say under my breath as the door closes.”

“Lynn looks up at him to see if he's serious. "What?" he asks her. "If anybody is gonna put Carter's head through the wall, it should be me."EJ's eyes snap open, and he scoots away from me slowly. I'll remember this, Wingman!”

“EJ cries, "We've been best friends since kindergarten. You can't become a babe slayer and leave me in the dust! I don't have an older sister. I'm disadvantaged. All I got is Emmy, who can only drop preschool wisdom like, 'No pull Barbie's hair!'" "That's probably some early girl wisdom. Nobody likes to get their hair pulled," I say. "Except this one chick in my porno; I think she's into it. I cant really tell, though. I wish they would slow down.”

“You did too! You stole my bike, A-HOLE!" I yell out. Jeez, I'm like a Chatty Cathy Doll: just pull my string and I'll say, "You stole my bike, A-HOLE!”

“Ohhh, OH no you didn't!" he screams. "Nobody touches the TERRY!" Then he starts punching himself in he face. This kid really is crazy! I may not even have to fight him. He's doing it for me, and I'm winning!”

“Bicycles are way cooler than motorcycles. You get exercise and peace and quiet, and you're not destroying the environment.”

“The last thing I need is for my dad to stroll in and see me abusing myself to lighting-fast pornographic images.Military school will become a reality faster than those people are doing it.”

“These kids are all trying so hard to be weird. I'm genuinely weird, so I can spot the effort a mile away.”