Brian P. Cleary

“If a couple has their picture taken at a wedding or other social gathering, and the woman looks hot, her guy could be blinking, chewing, or even mid-sneeze, and she’ll still display it on her desk at work.”

“If you treat what you value most in life more like a garden and less like a vending machine, you’ll probably be happier. (from You Oughta Know By Now)”

“A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.”

“Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.”

“It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).”

“There’s no such thing as free kittens.”

“Not only is love blind, it’s a little hard of hearing.”

“When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon.”

“Any cupcake consumed before 9AM is, technically, a muffin.”

“Children are like sponges; they start to smell after a little while.”