Carl Hiaasen

“I married an asshole, she thought, knifing into the waves.”

“From the pancake house I drive directly to the county morgue. The contrast is not especially striking.”

“and in the meantime don't jump to conclusions.”

“The evening news made her wonder if God was dead; the morning sun made her believe He wasn't.”

“In his own mind, it was never a matter of courage. But courage it was.”

“Disney world is an armpit,compared to Montana!!”

“But Erin let it slide. The child was only four years old; she had a whole lifetime to learn about sadness. Today was for Dalmatians, ice cream and new dolls.”

“That's the thing about being a Labrador retriever - you were born for fun. Seldom was your loopy, freewheeling mind cluttered by contemplation, and never at all by somber worry; every day was a romp. What else could there possibly be to life? Eating was a thrill. Pissing was a treat. Shitting was a joy. And licking your own balls? Bliss. And everywhere you went were gullible humans who patted and hugged and fussed over you.”

“I’m waiting for the day when Rush Limbaugh’s pharmacist writes a book.”

“Actually it was the mark of the stupid, which is what you get for sitting under a tree during a thunderstorm.”

“Mickey Cray had been out of work ever since a dead iguana fell from a palm tree and hit him on the head.”

“You from the IRS? The man's voice was deep and wet, like mud slipping down a drain.”

“From the pocket of her windbreaker he extracted what he falsely believed to be a portable marine radio, which along with two granola bars he'd pilfered from Honey's belongings after she was snatched by the club-handed lunatic. Shreave started pressing buttons on the compact gadget and barking, "Mayday! Mayday!There was no response from the Coast Guard pilot or any other human, and for a good reason. Except for its LED screen, the instrument in Shreave's possession was electronically dissimilar to a radio in all significant respects. Most crucial was the absence of either an audio receiver or a transmitter."SOS! SOS!" he persisted. "Help!"The device was in fact a mobile GPS unit, as technogically impenetrable to Shreave as the Taser gun he'd found beneath Honey's bed.”

“Shreave flicked away the dead mosquito. "Don't these things carry the bird flu too?""No Boyd, that would be a bird.”

“From the bow of the canoe she asked, "Do you know a rain dance?""First I need a virgin.”

“Sometimes you're going to be faced with situations where the line isn't clear between what's right and what's wrong.Your heart will tell you to do one thing and your brain will tell you to do something different. In the end, all that's left is to look at both sides and go with your best judgment.”

“as a lobbyist he had long ago concluded there was no difference in how Democrats and Republicans conducted the business of government. The game stayed the same: It was always about favors and friends, and who controlled the dough. Party labels were merely a way to keep track of the teams; issues were mostly smoke and vaudeville. Nobody believed in anything except hanging on to power, whatever it took. .....”

“Roy remembered the time he and his father had a talk about fighting. 'It's important to stand up for what's right,' Mr. Eberhardt had said, 'but sometimes there's a fine line between courage and stupidity.”

“Jimmy Lee Baylis was a wise man, and knew better than to talk back to the man who signed his paycheck.”

“A quick puke, two rails of blow and she was solid.”

“The man's a born straggler, Honey thought, another lucky exception to the rules of natural selection. A million years ago he would've been an easy snack for a saber-toothed tiger.”

“Mrs. Bonneville never buckled her seat belt, even though it was required by state law; an ardent libertarian, she opposed government meddling in all matters of personal choice.”

“Remember what happened last time with the 'cuda.”

“...Right now there's a pair of bad cops on their way out here to shoot me.""You don't know that.""Yeah, you're right," Stranahan said. "They're probably just collecting Toys for Tots. Now go.”

“Hey. Sometimes life is a shit flavored Popsicle.”

“Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty.”