Carrie Vaughn

“You poked the hornet’s nest,” I said flatly. “Guess so.” “And how did that work out for you?” Ben asked. “Found the hornets,” he answered, grinning sleepily.”

“It’s my husband. I think— I think he’s a zombie.” I smiled. “Believe it or not, I get this one a lot. Can you describe his behavior? Why do you think he’s a zombie?” She huffed. “He doesn’t do anything! He sits on the sofa all day watching TV and that’s it.”

“As far as I know, no vampires live in Antarctica.” “I’d have thought the long winter nights would be just the thing for you guys,” I said. “Perhaps. But the food supply is a bit wanting.”

“You only get married the first time once.” There was the philosophy of a generation wrapped up in a tidy little sentence”

“V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination.”

“Don't underestimate her ability to talk, it's her superpower.”

“Humans - a renewable resource.”

“He's a bully. I love bullies. They have such big, shiny red buttons to push.”

“1980's: not a time period but a state of mind.”

“Even with the high-tech air filtration system in a modern facility, the place still smelled like archival storage: old paper, stale manila folders, cardboard, and dust. Libraries and accountants' basements all over the world smelled like this. It was the scent of information waiting to be discovered.”

“I've learned something: What many of us cal destiny is really our own instinct. We know what is right, but we don'twant to admit it, especially if what is right will lead to our own death. We call it destiny so we don't have to accept responsibility for making those decisions. Human instinct is stronger than anyone will admit.”

“Have you thought about going insane?" It would seem like a reasonable thing to do, given his circumstances."Did once. Got boring, so I snapped out of it.”

“I was under the impression that werewolf packs were not meant to be run by committee.""Yeah," I said. "But I dont want to be like all those other werewolves, you know?""Says the werewolf named Kitty.""It's too late to change my name now," I grumbled.”

“People always sounded worried when I called them. Maybe because I only ever called a lot of them when I was in trouble and needed help. I needed to set up more lunch dates or have more parties, to cure people of the idea that a call from me automatically equaled danger. Then again, that was probably a lost cause.”

“If vampires ever spend less time playing theatrics and living down to their stereotypes, they might actually take over the world someday”

“It’s only a scratch, don’t cut my arm off!”

“I looked at my two wolves. When I knelt they came to me rubbed against me smelling me and I stroked them. "Thank you for believing in me " I said and maybe they understood and maybe they didn't.”

“...I'd killed my self-defense instructor. Shit.I ran to where he lay and stumbled to a crouch at his side, touching his shoulder. "Craig?"His eyelids fluttered. A few panicked heartbeats later, he opened them. Then he grinned."Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! You gotta learn to hit people." He was breathing hard. He had to gasp the words out. I'd probably knocked the wind out of him. "Now, never do that to me again."-Kitty and her self defense teacher”

“Well. Miracles never cease.''Amen to that.'Which, upon reflection, was a very strange thing to hear a vampire say.”

“All you know is what you think you know, but that isn't always what's real.”

“... We're werewolves. We don't get to judge 'crazy.”

“Now, what does a vampire do with a computer? Keep track of investments? Send e-mail to other vampires as you all plot to take over the world?” “I spend a lot of time on Wikipedia making corrections to the entries of historical figures I’ve known.” I blinked at him. “Really?” “No, Kitty. That was a joke.”

“Jesus, you talk too much.”

“Why vampires? You write centuries-long family sagas—why not write historical epics without any hint of the supernatural?" "Well, that would be boring, wouldn't it?" "Yeah, God only knows what Tolstoy was thinking.”

“It doesn’t bother you that your canine brethren are being paraded around show rings like slaves?”“My canine brethren?” I said. “I don’thave any canine brethren.”“How can you say that! You’re a werewolf.”“That’s right. I’m a werewolf, not a poodle. What makes you think I have any kinship with dogs?”

“I started a new page and wrote a title at the top: "TenWays to Defeat Macho Dickheadism." Then I realized that most of the world's problems stemmed from macho dickheadism, and if I could defeat that I could save the world.”

“So I’d been called the Barbara Walters of weird shit.There’s weird shit and then there’s weird shit.”

“Just so you know, I'm straight. Totally straight. As an arrow."Her voice held a smile. "So am I”

“One inch at a time, that was how her father had taught her. You can't do anything but worry about the few inches right in front of you.”

“I'm a werewolf trapped in a human body.""Well, yeah, that's kind of the definition.""No, really. I'm trapped.""Oh? When was the last time you shape-shifted?""That's just it - I've never shape-shifted.""So you're not really a werewolf.""Not yet. But I was meant to be one, I just know it. How do I get a werewolf to attack me?"Stand in the middle of a forest under a full moon with a raw steak tied to your face, holding a sign that says, 'Eat me; I'm stupid'?”

“Um, yeah. I mean, I think… wow." It made sense, really. All part of that vampire seduction gambit: lurethe prey to you, give it a reason to open its veins. Sure cut down on that messy struggling. "Just so youknow, I'm straight. Totally straight. As an arrow."Her voice held a smile. "So am I.”

“Hey, Cormac. You ever have to deal with a PMSing werewolf?”

“Stupid, fragile mortals.”

“You know your all fucks! why am i so dichable? now how am i supposed to kill you with out upseting that poor nice women!? God damnit alice i liked you why did you have to be such a bitch”

“I grinned at him. 'Jealous?'He grinned right back. 'That's a trick question. If I say yes you'll accuse me of being paranoid and unreasonable, and if I say no you'll make some defensive crack about how I don't think you're worth getting jealous over.'This is what I got for hooking up with a lawyer.”

“A lot of what we're doing here deals with perception rather than truth. Many would argue that reality depends more on the former than the latter.”

“You're lucky to have a friend who will kill for you."So. I once had a friend who died for me, and now one who killed for me. Why didn't I feel lucky?”

“You know, I'm sick and tired of people pointing rifles at me.”

“A fucked-up family's a fucked-up family, whether or not werewolves are involved.”

“So is he cute? Good-looking, I mean? Because I can’t really tell with guys, and it looked like you two might have hit it off.” I grinned at him. “Jealous?” He grinned right back. “That’s a trick question. If I say yes you’ll accuse me of being paranoid and unreasonable, and if I say no you’ll make some defensive crack about how I don’t think you’re worth getting jealous over.” This was what I got for hooking up with a lawyer.”

“I punched to line. "Yes? What?""Norville. It's Cormac. If you don't change the subject right now, I'm going to have to go over there and have a word with you.”

“Next caller. Betty, you're on the air. What's your question ?""Hi, Kitty. I just wanted to know, are you going out with that Cormac guy from last month?"My jaw dropped. "What?""Are you going out with that Cormac guy?""We are talking about the same Cormac who tried to kill me on the air, yes? the guy who hunts werewolves for a living ?""Uh-huh.""And you want to know if I'm dating him ? Why on earth do you think that's a good idea?”

“To be a DJ was to be God. To be a DJ at an alternative public radio station ? That was being God with a mission. It was thinking you were the first person to discover The Clash and you had to spread the word.”

“Damn stupid vampires and their stupid sense of stupid superiority-”

“All right. I'll bite. Here's what I think, with the caveat that I may be wrong. I think we're here to make the world a better place than we found it. I think we don't always deserve the cards we're dealt, good or bad. But we are judged by how we play the cards we're dealt. Those of us with a bum deal that makes it harder to do good -- we just have to work a little more is all. There's no destiny. There's just muddling through without doing to much damage.”

“Cormac interrupted. 'Maybe I oughta shoot you both, put you both out of your misery.”

“cope or go crazy”

“Then I realized that most of the world's problems stemmed from macho dickheadism, and if I cold defeat that I could save the world.”

“So, Cormac, have you ever dealt with a PMSing werewolf?'No.'Well, it's a real bitch...”

“What the hell kind of name is Kitty for a werewolf?”