Cary Attwell

“Whether it was the power of suggestion or whether her eyes really hadn't deceived her, I began noticing too that my face was occasionally going rogue the rest of the afternoon, smiling when I had little reason to smile. Maybe my facial nerves were developing a neurological condition; I resolved to keep a close eye on it.”

“Hal frowned. "Are you sure this is a good idea?""Uh, live in a tropical paradise for a week and sip fruity drinks with umbrellas in them by the pool? Yeah, Hal," I said, cranking up the sarcasm far past eleven, "that's a fate worse than death. I don't know what I was thinking.""No," he said, stretching the word out longer than was healthy for it, "I was thinking more like going on a honeymoon without a wife."I dropped a sock and looked up at him, stung. "Don't rub it in, man.”

“It was a good picture. You could tell by the amount of time I spent staring at it.”

“People at work eyed me with varying degrees of suspicion or approbation, and a couple of them mistook me for the kind of guy who knew twelve different ways to tie a scarf and whether that scarf clashed with their purse. My helpful tip that most accessories were just needless expenses met with disappointment.”

“Yesterday, when you said you told everyone, what did you mean?""Everyone important, I guess. I mean, I didn't rush out to inform my mailman or anything.""Oh, he knows," Nate said offhandedly."Oh. Okay," I said, thrown. "Well, I guess I can cross him off the list.”

“I see a dude who looks like a meth addict across the street; I'm going to assume that's what this fiancée thief looked like, right? I mean, obviously, the only reason she would have left you for anyone else is if she suddenly lost her mind and got struck blind on top of it. Pretty action-packed, your wedding day."I looked at him askance. "I don't think that's quite her version of events.""Yeah, well," said Nate, "she's not here, so I'm just going to have to go with my version.""I could buy into that," I said, after a moment's consideration."Excellent," he said, grinning. "Then you're going to love next week's installment in which he develops spontaneous alopecia.”

“ Dear Aunt Patty,Thank you for coming to be part of what definitely ranks in the top five worst days of my life. While your generosity is appreciated, I am returning this gift, as forced bachelorhood necessitates total abstinence from bamboo placemats and matching napkin rings in my daily life.Sincerely, Emory Too much?”