C.D. Payne
Author and showman C.D. Payne was born in Akron, Ohio in 1949 (making him a contemporary of Richard Gere and Meryl Streep). He spent his early years in West Virginia and southern Ohio, moving back to Akron while still a mere tot.
He went to public schools in Akron, and then graduated from Harvard College, where he majored in history and participated in the annual spring riot. In 1971 he moved to California. During the next 25 years, he held over 50 jobs including newspaper editor, book publisher's assistant, proofreader, trailer park handyman, and catalog writer.
Since 2004 he has been the proprietor of the Eyelusion Museum, a mobile discovery museum in a restored and polished 1964 Airstream trailer. His latest mobile sideshow is a 1950s miniature town (shown below) called Zippy Town. It can been seen at the Santa Rosa Handcar Regatta and other events.
He is married and lives in Sonoma County.
“Consider, if you will, the morning boner. What a metaphor of hope and renewal! How can anyone give way to despair when one’s groin greets each day with such a gala spectacle of physical optimism?”
“As much as I think about sex, I can only with extreme difficulty conceive of myself actually performing the act. And here's another thing I wonder about. How could you ever look a girl in the eye after you've had your winkie up her wendell? I mean, doesn't that render normal social conversation impossible? Apparently not.”
“Fuel-efficient my big engine is not. I drove 38 miles and burned through more than a quarter-tank of expensive premium gas. Every time I accelerated I could sense a Saudi Arabian somewhere was smiling.”
“Now I know why women get their ears pierced. Once they've survived this ordeal of mutilation, they can face the discomforts of childbirth with equanimity.”
“Confession can be good for the soul, but it can exact a heavy toll on friendships.”
“Dwayne! Don't be ridiculous. Guy's don't share their girlfriends.'Why not?'Because they don't. Men are instinctually competitive. It's so there'll be lots of wars to keep overpopulation in check.”
“Do you suppose the human race invented boredom to make the prospect of death more palatable?”
“I take it, then, Vijay, you are still a virgin?'Yes, and I find it extremely galling. When Gandhi was my age he had already been married three years.'No wonder Gandhi turned out to be a great man. When you get your love life nailed down that early, think of all the time it frees up to devote to Great Ideas.”
“I've decided Mom's boyfriends are a lot like U.S. Presidents. You keep thinking they can't get any worse. And then she comes up with a Lance Wescott.”
“I have found that people who can successfully resist temptation invariably lead depressingly stunted lives.”