Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler has become one of entertainment’s most sought after and versatile rising stars. In July 2007, Chelsea broke into the world of late-night talk shows with her E! Entertainment series, Chelsea Lately (airing weeknights at 11:00 p.m.). Consistently the network’s highest-rated program, Chelsea Lately offers a tongue-in-cheek look at entertainment news, celebrity truths, and rumors that just won't die, along with other hot topics of the day. Bringing refreshing new energy to and redefining perceptions of the talk show, Chelsea Lately is an authentic and hilarious commentary on the celebrity culture around us. Both Handler and the show have also been recognized as pioneers in late night with the show boasting five female writers to account for half of its writing staff. This is unprecedented in the late night arena that has historically been dominated by male hosts and writers.
In addition to her wildly successful television series, Chelsea is equally well-known as a best-selling author. On March 28, 2010, she achieved a spectacular feat when her three books took the #1, #2, and #3 spots on the New York Times Best Seller list. Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang, from Grand Central Publishing, was the #1 nonfiction hardcover; Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea, from Simon Spotlight Entertainment, was the #2 nonfiction paperback; and My Horizontal Life, from Bloomsbury, was the #3 nonfiction paperback. In hardcover, Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelseadebuted at #1 on the New York Times Best Seller list when published in April 2008, and My Horizontal Life has been a bestseller for 80 weeks.
As a testament to her versatility and tireless work ethic, Chelsea’s 21-city comedy tour, also entitled “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang” and sponsored by Belvedere Vodka, kicked off in March 2010. After tickets sold out immediately, Live Nation added 15 more shows. As one of the nation’s most acclaimed and cutting edge-comedians, Handler delivers a sharp combination of fearless honesty, ironic riffs, and self-deprecations with no shortage of material.
With her roots in both stand-up comedy and television, Chelsea was also the star of Oxygen’s Girls Behaving Badly (now syndicated in over 90 markets ) for all of its four seasons. She also starred on E! in The Chelsea Handler Show.> In 2007 – 2008, Chelsea starred with Jenny McCarthy and Leah Remini in the hugely popular MSN online web series In The Motherhood.
In March 2009, Chelsea was honored the prestigious Ally for Equality Award by the Human Rights Campaign, recognizing the outstanding efforts of those who dedicate time, energy, spirit and whole-hearted commitment to better the lives of LGBT people. She continues to be an influential and dedicated advocate for the LGBT community.
Handler, who grew up in New Jersey, currently resides in Los Angeles.
“We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.”
“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”
“Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.”
“He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.”
“Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours of the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.”
“I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.”
“A homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food. How can they have the nerve to beg for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there? I didn't care if this guy understood English or not. "Tell me when you're out of dog, buddy. Then we can talk about splitting a falafel.”
“My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.”
“The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn't adjusted the straps since he got them. So instead of attaching somewhere around his midsection, the suspenders clip onto his pants three inches below his nipples. Now picture the suspenders attached to sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term "camel balls.”
“Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.”
“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.”
“The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached with a glue gun. I couldn't believe how much there was, and wondered how he had never heard of scissors, or--more appropriate for that kind of growth--hedge trimmers. I didn't understand what porn he was watching to not be aware of the trimming that was happening all across the world among his compatriots. I'm not a finicky person when it comes to pubic hair maintenance and I certainly don't expect men to shave it all off, leaving themselves to look like a hairless cat. That's even creepier then than seeing what Austin had, which could really only be compared to one thing: A clown in a leg lock.”
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
“He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.”
“Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea”
“My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.”
“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”