Coco J. Ginger

“I write with my spine, create through my heart and defiant mind. Happy or not happy, it’s real, it’s living like blood, pen and paper. Hearts that wake up racing, wanting. Trading fear in for the hurt, the hard, the challenge, the change, the pain, the stuff that makes you grow bigger, stronger, better. Granting you the crazy, the genius, the ability, the power to change the world.”

“...I know I’ve broken all the rules of all the games, that all the great players and best love calculators recommend that you play, if you want to make someone like you a lot. But that’s okay, because I give up. I’ve got my coffee sitting in my San Francisco cup, I’ve got Kona island and a working beating heart that’s not cold, hard, or numb—very workable and capable of loving, breaking, mending and repeating. So that’s just what I’ll do. Because I’m too tired. Too tired uping all nighting wasting my precious timing wishing it was your heart pumping, wanting me— like I used to want you.”

“I’m tired of wanting to respond but never knowing what face you’ll be wearing, not knowing what mean or nice words you’ll be saying, so I stay silent knowing I can’t take another round of your uncontrolled verbs, your misinterpretations of my world. So many men? Yes, I have so many men, didn’t know that this text-fighting, me on the other side crying was exclusive to just us two.”

“I’m too tired, too tired hearing your mean-wording, your pretending, your name-calling, sorry, not sorry, words you write, I should forgive because you didn’t mean them right? Oh plus I deserved them? Alright.”

“Just friends? Alright friend we won’t kiss goodnight, and I won’t hold you tight and wish that you were mine just for one night. I will separate my dreams from my eyes, separate my heart from my spine, keep clean the lines between my hands and your innards.”

“...just friends, over and over you said it again—-then you kissed me.”

“You're too big for another heart beat, unable to sync with my capricious heart beating.”

“You’ll lie again, you’ll do it again. Friends, not friends, friends, not friends, I’m on your dime, I’m on your time, and I don’t exist where there is a YOU.”

“I’m too tired to fight against you anymore, too tired to say you are wrong. Too tired apologizing, keeping me uping all nighting- criming by wasting my precious timing. Straggling against what I once called charming.”

“Here I sit like a brainless robot writing the uncensored, chaotic, evil thoughts springing about in my temperamental female brain.”

“Time to get a go on this drop-dead-gorgeous morning.”

“Overexposing my innards to careless hearts and hands is a practice I am prepared to stop performing.”

“This is my carefree, this is my freedom–this is MY HAPPY.”

“There’s nothing worse than writing. There’s nothing better than writing. It’s like the man you hate to love, love to hate and never really come to terms with any of the feelings.”

“[Happily broken] arms unlocked. Eyes wide open.Eager. Torn apart. Heart explosive.Fingers composing [Happily broken].Come in, come in. I am ready. I am open.Happy to be open [Happily broken].”

“I was supposed to act breezy, but my fingertips are shaking, and my heart won’t stop its rapid beating.I’m giving in. I cannot cave.”

“I pull away, you pull me back, you grab my hand and wrap me around. What you did not know is—– my heart is my hand.”

“…..pump, pump, pump- where is it? It’s fading fast (the sound of his heart as I laid on his bed), it’s disappearing as i drift to sleep (but its still in my head, always in my head–haunting).”

“....hurts not just the heart, but every part.”

“Every fairytale has a villain. All high quality happy endings involve a black-hearted monster. I just didn't want you to be mine.”

“If you were green tea, I’d be your tea cup. If you were dark chocolate, I’d be the paper that wraps you up. If you were a train, I’d be your tracksIf you were a brain, I’d be the heart attached.”

“Smile. Your eyes sparkle when you do.”

“No heartbreak has grieved me as much to discover, the calorie content of my peanut butter.”

“Our stations in life, our difference of cultures, the pain-laid men who raised us—forbid us to be us. They have brainwashed us. We feel we should believe the polarity between us.”

“I hope you stand there for me, even though I won’t be listening, I hope you speak like I am hearing, that’s the man you are to me, that’s the only man I want to keep here inside of me. That’s the man you can be, and that’s the man I will take with me.”

“I know you didn’t feel them, and when you spoke them they stung you. I know because I know you. I forgive because my heart has not the room to deface you.”

“When it’s just you, just me, no one around to tell us how we should be—I know we could have made it. I know we could have fought it. I know we could have conquered.”

“Love is not of value when this superficial contract must be drawn up, representing the two worlds that enclose us.”

“If I had no imagination, I would hate you. But I don’t want to be part of your reality.”

“I’ll dream up a world where you never existed. A world you could never live in. I’ll live there without you.”

“You disenchant me.”

“You know, and I know, just how much we defy.”

“What I knew, adored, and fell for was a fantasy. He did not exist in human terms.”

“My insides turn outward in acknowledgement of your absence. My heart slips out of my chest and down into my gut.”

“Easy, breezy.”

“…I felt each beat slowing as his breathe fell away from my world. “You’re going to be okay” I lied, as blood spilled painting my fingers crimson. He stared blankly gasping for breath. My fingers never worked the same after that day. They became wild, fierce---unruly. And heart? I don’t know where heart is; I think he still has her.”

“Love thy neighbor as thyself. Unless he calls you names. Then do not love him, run in the opposite direction and throw a gerbil at his door.”

“I pretended to be an open book, but I was closed off and conceited.”

“Men always complained I had a lot of boyfriends. I never agreed, or disagreed. I was too busy kissing to care. I disapproved of jealous complainers and had not an opinion on their opinion of me.”

“I want to read, write, and nothing else. I do not want to get married, I do not want to go to church, I do not want to file taxes; I do not want to eat. But Grandma disagrees, and Grandma always wins.”

“Peanut butter is my frenemy.”

“He's a gypsy killer. He has a special gypsy killing knife.”

“Stop pretending. You wanted to be real right? This hurts, this is what it feels like, this is the growing up, the stoping pretending, the false past tap-dancing. This is the owning. This is the no-i-won’t-be-performing, this is growing out of the glamour and back into the tattered shabby mis-constructed hearts shadow. This is me owning. This is me admitting. This is me realing-up, maning-up. growing up, wanting up.”

“Bittersweet? No, just bitter, the taste of your tongue.Words you can’t have back, so they linger.”

“....finally I see that it’s never been me, just a blanket that keeps you warm. Easily tossed alongwhen something flashier or someone prettier comes along. Your heart I held so carefully, I see, this was all just a game...”

“He brought out the worst in me, and was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“...I feel like a traitor, a phony, a fake. But I am a hypocrite with the best intentions, and I need kissing desperately.”

“I want your hand without the skin. Bone to bone without the molds. Mouth to mouth, without the porn.”

“I wore your promise on my finger for one yearI'll wear your name on my heart til I dieBecause you were my boy, you were my only boy forever.”