Dan Bergstein

“Chapter Twenty-Four: SurpriseBetter Title: Oh My God! I Hate Everything About This Book! I Want To Kill It With Rocks! AGH!”

“Carlisle says Siobhan's super power was the ability to do whatever the hell she wanted. I swear, that's what Carlisle says. Her super power was the ability to will something into existence. Siobhan wanted the vampire Maggie to stick around with her and Liam, and, POOF, Maggie did, all because Siobhan wanted it. Dr. Cullen theorizes that Bella has a similar power. She's not acting like a typical newborn vampire because Bella decided not to be a typical newborn vampire.That thud you heard was my brain trying to make a run for it and slamming into my skull. Also, you may hear soft weeping. I'm still crying.”

“There's a small moment in this chapter when Bella wants to practice fighting techniques with Emmett, but Edward won't let her.Emmett is here? Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, according to Google Maps, you live 2,931 miles away from me. If I don't make any stops for food or fuel, and sit on a pile of absorbent kitty litter, I can make the trip in 48 hours. So I can be there by Sunday or Monday. Oh…hey, did you know Monday is Valentine's Day? That's super weird, right? Didn't plan that at all. I swear. OK, see you then!Anyway, Bella wants to practice with Emmett but Edward says no. Huh? Not only does Edward refuse to teach his wife basic self-defense, but she can't even learn some tips from The Pain Maker? Why? I dare you to explain this. I double wolf dare you.”

“Alice also stops in to check on Bella. Guess what? Her powers have returned and she can now see Bella's future. Guess what? Bella is going to survive! Guess what? Bella's going to be super-pretty! Guess what? I hate Alice.Did Bella decide to survive? Did she decide to be pretty? I decided to be pretty too, but that didn't make it happen. (Wearing a monkey shirt certainly helped, though.)”

“For some reason, Bella doesn't want to scream. I guess she doesn't want Edward and the others to know how much pain she's in. But don't for a minute think this makes her a strong character. If anything, it makes her weaker, because she's so afraid of upsetting Edward that she's willing to suffer horrible pain without making a peep.A strong character would remain silent during an interrogation, when speaking or screaming would give the enemy the upper hand. Keeping quiet because you don't want your boyfriend to feel sad isn't a sign of strength. It's pathetic.”

“And since October is coming to an end, what better time to draw Octo-Bear, the bear that is an octopus!”

“Anyway, most of the chapter is Bella telling us how much pain she's in. First she's about to die because delivering Optimus Beyonce nearly killed her. And then she goes on and on about how hot and awful the vampire venom feels as it takes hold of her body.She's in agony and there's nothing she can do about it. Good! I hope it hurts.This is what you get, Bella Swan. This is what you get for being a greedy, self-centered jerk. This is what happens to people who let thousands die in Italy. This is what you get for ruining Jacob's life and ignoring your human friends because you'd rather spend time with pretty people. This is what happens to selfish brats that have no regard for their family. This is what you get for being weak and dependent. This is what you get for lying to your father. This is what you get for crying and complaining about your perfect life. This is what you get for spending pages and pages describing freaking magnets! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET!I only wish the pain lasted longer than a chapter. An entire book of Bella's torture would be nice. And maybe if the book were illustrated…with Octo-Bears…I would finally sympathize with this, the least likable character in the history of novels.Bella, I do not care one tiny bit that you're in pain.”

“I also took a stab at drawing a Novem-Bear. I don't know what a Novem is, but I assumed it meant "balloon salesman." And the Novem-Bear has tentacles because it should.”

“I hope Marcus (giggle) is there. Maybe he can defeat the evil Cullens with his mighty battle cry, "I can see relationships!!!”

“You can add some class to it by sealing it with wax. This makes me feel like I'm a Baron sending a letter to the Duchess. Look at that sophistication.”

“You can tell I don't like this book, because I drew in it. And that's better than anything else that's in this book.”

“It's curling ribbon, but you don't have to curl it. You don't have to do everything the ribbon tells you to do. Don't live your life like that.”

“The trick to taking the paper off the crayons...is to just do it. There is no trick.”

“It's not that I'm weak, it's that I'm scared of most things.”

“Ninja beats pirate. Pirate beats ghost.Ghost beats zombie. Zombie beats most.Werewolf beats vampire. Vamp beats Imp.Imp beats fiend. Fiend beats wimp.Wizard beats cyrborg. Cyborg surely beats troll.Troll beats goblin. Goblin eats a hermit’s soul.Hermit beats child. Child beats wagon.Wagon beats moon snake. Moon snake beats dragon.Dragon beats hydra. Hydra beats sailor.Sailor beats teacher. Teacher beats tailor.Tailor beats sun worm. Sun worm beats clown.Clown beats robo-squid. Robo-squid beats town.Town fights jackals. Town will win.Town fights mummies. Town won’t fight again.Zookeeper beats hell hound. Hell hound beats giant.Giant beats accountant. Accountant beats client.Client beats frog. Frog beats himself.Knight beats Big Foot. Big Foot beats elf.Elf beats pixie. Pixie beats specter.Specter beats sea hag. Sea hag beats Hector.Hector beats serpent. Serpent beats rat.Rat beats Grandma. Grandma beats cat.Lava beats demon. Demon beats warlock.Warlock beats dinosaur. Dino beats Spock.Spock beats Lando. Lando beats Qui-Gon.Qui-Gon beats Jar-Jar. Jar-Jar beats none.Rock beats scissors. Scissors beat paper.Paper beats insect. Insect beats vapor.Wood Woman beats Tree Man. Tree Man beats the dark.The dark kills spider-fish. Spider-fish beats shark.You beat me. I beat a dentist.The dentist beats the barber. The barber is menaced.These are the rules, and never forget.Now hand over your money and place your bet.”

“We're not making mistakes. We're making experiences.”

“After swimming to France, Carlisle went to some universities, where he fell in love with medicine. He believed that by helping sick people, he could make up for some of the horrible things vampires have done. Maybe this is why Angelina Jolie adopts all those kids! It all makes sense. She must be a vampire. She has the sexy good looks, the overly dramatic attitude, and I've never seen her sleep or eat. Case closed.”

“I like the idea of Warrior Flitwick running to save the day by screaming, "Let's do some charm harm, my snitches!”