Dani Alexander

“Fundamentally I believed that I was unlovable.”

“Whiskey, glass, pour, toss back, glare. Repeat. “Cop out,” I slurred in retaliation, pointing the empty glass at Peter.“Don’t get drunk. Fuck. I need you sober,” he yelled, snatching the glass out of my hand.“There’s the problem right there. You need me sober. You need my help. You need something from me.” I laughed, tossing the bottle on the sofa, ignoring the glug glug glug as it emptied over my cushions. “And I just need you.”“Need me to what?” He asked with a huff, tipping the bottle right-side up.“Nothing. I just need you,” I whispered and flopped into a nearby recliner.”

“Out of curiosity, when do I grow up and become a fullfledgedman with a penis?”“When words like ‘hump day’ don’t make you giggle like atwelve-year-old,” he retorted, blowing smoke my way.“Wow, that long?”

“Peter to Austin: “Here are the facts, Austin. You’ve been engaged four times.You’ve cheated on every single one of them. You’re cruelsometimes and superficial and spoiled and really fucked upemotionally. You talk about my being inscrutable, but you treatnothing as if it matters to you. Something terrible happens? Youmake a joke and shrug it off. You feel too much? You get angryand lash out at me. So no, I’m not in love with you. I’m fightingit every fucking step! I just wish I could stop it.”

“Let me assure you, you are an ass in the best sense of the word. You don't take shit from people.”

“His lips twitched, but he didn’t say no. I took that as ‘Oh,you sexy devil, Austin, I want to do you right here, but I’msuper-duper excited about our date so I’ll wait’.I was paraphrasing, of course."- Shattered Glass”

“Then I guess the rest of my life will be resigned to doggy style sex." The words were out of my mouth before I could think about them. "I mean however long...when we're...that wasn't a fucking proposal.""Okay.""Don't smile that. Smugness doesn't become you.""Okay.""Scoot the fuck over. You're hogging the bed."Austin and Peter. :')”

“Clean," Peter said."Can I get a water bottle or something to clean his hands?" I scanned the crowd. He drew my attention back to him with a pull of my hand. "No," Peter said. "I'm...clean."I had missed who Peter was until that very moment...I broke. It wasn't a visible fracture. I didn't sob or explode into anguish. I didn't give in to my vomitus urge that came from the burst of self-loathing. But I shattered nonetheless."Well, you look filthy," I said, hitting redial on his phone and jamming it to my ear.”

“You know what I find ironic? My homophobic mother offersyou her cabbage rolls as a truce and you respond by asking her ifit was 'tacit approval' to suck my cock.”“She shoved a phallic symbol my way and told me to eat it.”

“Ask me for money, Peter.” I grabbed his wrists and pushed him against the wall.He looked everywhere but at me, no attempt to free himself. He was definitely stronger than I, but right that second I didn’t care if he was being patronizing. If it forced him to answer me, then patronizing I’d take.“No,” he murmured.“Ask me for money, goddamn you.” I punctuated it with a slam of his wrists, hard enough to jar, but not painful—I hoped. The next time my shirt wouldn’t be there to cushion it. I wasthat pissed.“I have!” He spat back, easily extricating his hands and pushing me away. I grabbed his arm, turning him around.“For Cai. For sex. Not for you. You’d rather go fuck a bunch of strangers—”“I don’t fuck anyone but Darryl anymore,” he denied. “It’s just a show for a bunch of voyeurs. No one gets hurt.”“I get hurt!”“I don’t have any other way, Austin.”“You have me. Ask me,” I said, hating the pleading sound in my voice.“No.”“Jesus Christ, why the fuck not?”“Because I don’t want you to be a fucking trick!” The shout was so loud I felt the vibrations along my spine.”

“I was not insecure. I was a perfectly normal combination of arrogant and narcissistic.”

“When Peter said he was romantic, it was in the way that I was romantic. A blow job and an “I love you” before rolling over and falling asleep.”

“Even the road to Disneyland has potholes”

“I like you,” I said honestly. “Even though you’re probably a criminal and are going to get me thrown off the force. And you kicked me. Broke my nose. Made me gay and refused to kiss me.”

“Are you in love with me?" I asked, grinding my nails into my palms."Yes," he said simply. "But not yet”

“We have to go," I replied, ready to throw everything I felt for Peter in the nearest trash and tie up the bag. Let it fester there with my already condemned sanity.”

“I smiled at Peter with teeth clenched so tight, plaque could crumble off.”

“My father married my mother three days after they met.Your father also killed and maimed people for a living. How about we just place him in the Not-To-Emulate pile?"Shattered Glass by Dani Alexander (Chpt 14)”

“Is he my competition?” I asked.“Everyone is your competition.” Peter lifted his hand to hiseyes and began lowering it incrementally. “It goes normal humanbeings, crazies, republicans, my hand, imaginary characters,corpses and then, in a moment of lustful psychosis, you.” By thetime he was done, his hand was below the table.Ouch.”

“Bunny Slippers watched my appraisal for at least a fullminute before clasping his hands and resting them on the table.“You stand in the doorway, clothes sticking to you like you justgot out of the shower and didn’t dry off.” I hadn’t dried offactually. “Your hair is wet like it’s been raining, but it’s nearninety outside. You glare at me for a good ten minutes beforeyou come over. Sit across from me in my booth, without aninvitation. Don’t introduce yourself. Don’t say hello. Youannounce you’re not gay, but that I made you gay, and I amconfusing you?Well, when he said it like that.”

“I made a mental note to call. Later.Tomorrow. Next month. Or January.”

“McCleary was an unpolished, semi attractive man in his late thirties or early forties. His hair was grey. His suit was cheap. His cologne was cheaper and his attitude was a hundred percent asshole. He have me an instant boner.”

“Do you know why I like dogs and not cats? Because whenyou’re talking to dogs, they don’t walk away in order to rimthemselves.~Austin to Cai's cat Begone Cai's, also known as the "fucking hairball with the crazies.”

“I start thinking that maybe God’s plan is I make him more of a man and less of a boy. “I think I was wrong. Some men will always be boys.”"I start thinking that maybe God’s plan is I make him more of a man and less of a boy." “I think I was wrong. Some men will always be boys.”

“I looked at our hands, caked and coated in red, but entwined. The pristine moment when they were clasped like that earlier in the day seemed weeks ago."Clean." Peter said."Can I get a water bottle or something to clean his hands?" I scanned the crowd. He drew my attention back to him with a pull of my hand."No," Peter said. "I'm...clean."I had missed who Peter was until that very moment.I had called him names and treated him callously. I had read every micro expression in a vacuum of how it related to Austin Glass. And in return Peter had cared for my wounds, treated me tenderly and assured me that he was HIV negative while bleeding out in a hallway of strangers.I broke. It wasn't a visible fracture. I didn't sob or explode into anguish. I didn't give in to my vomitus urge that came from the burst of self-loathing. But I shattered nonetheless.”

“You're rich, spoiled and used to getting your own way." "Not true. If I had my own way you would have kissed me and ridden me like a cowboy while screaming 'yeehaw'.”

“Let me know when you're done with this conversation. Peter needs his tongue bath. I mean sponge bath.”

“I've given up my living room, guest room, job, career, heterosexuality and my stance on no pets in the house, but I'm not giving up my room. I'm drawing a line.”

“He's painting your living room as a thank you.""Huh. My decorator might screech, but I'm okay with that.""Your decorator? Seriously? How did you not know you were gay?”

“Gay Sex Three, Straight Sex Nil”

“Gay sex, one. Straight sex, zero”

“Peter to Austin:"Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7.”

“Do you know what I did to the last guy that called me Tinkerbelle?""Slept with him?"Darryl was silent for a second. "After that.”

“Tell me something good about your life," I whispered, needing to hear that he wasn't as broken as I thought him to be.Peter breathed into the handset for about two minutes. I began wondering if he was about to hang up, or had fallen asleep, when he answered. "You." It was so quiet I almost didn't hear it. And then he hung up before I could ask him to repeat himself.I fell asleep, grinning, with the phone still clutched in my hand and my milk souring on the coffee table.”