Dave Barry

“Shall we go to Bethlehem, men? Or shall we DANCE”

“If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you’ll notice two things about them: 1. They all had editors. 2. They are all dead. Thus we can draw the scientific conclusion that editors are fatal.”

“WILLIAMS: The phrase, of course, is a variation of a line from the song "MacArthur Park." Any idea why the terrorists picked that particular song, Elizabeth?BURGER: Brian, one theory is that it was chosen specifically to demoralize the United States, because it gets stuck in your head and everybody hates it.”

“Horkman and I are on one side of the ravine, holding our guns over our heads. The Cubans are on the other side, going nuts, shouting "YI-YI-YI" ready to go kick some ass. In a movie, the next scene, we're all charging into battle. But what actually happened was, first, Horkman and I climb down our side of the ravine, which was hard because those guns are a lot heavier than they look, plus it is really steep. We both kept dropping the guns and falling down, so we ended up mostly sliding on our butts, which took awhile. The Cubans tried to keep cheering, but after a while they realized they'd better pace themselves. Like every twenty seconds or so, one of them would yell "YI-YI-YI!" But you could tell they were losing the mood.”

“We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.”

“You would think that, by sheer chance, there would come a time when you daughter's two dances would be close together, ideally near the beginning. But the dance studio makes sure this never happens, using the same computer scheduling program that the cable-TV company uses to make sure that the technician, for whom you have been waiting eleven hours, rings your doorbell only when you have just commenced pooping.”

“What would happen is that every idiot in this town who owns a gun, which is basically every idiot in this town, would grab his gun, jump into his car, or somebody else's car, and lay rubber for I-95. Inside of ten minutes the city is gridlocked, and what happens next makes IwoJima look like a maypole dance. This whole town turns into the end of a Stephen King novel.”

“maybe somebody finally shot the dog.”

“I love Special Executive Order 768 dash 4”

“Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu?"This translates roughly to: "How the hell did these people win the Cold War?”

“We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how”

“Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals like Hydrogen and Oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”

“A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.”

“Headbangers' are people who like heavy-metal music, which is performed by skinny men with huge hair who stomp around the stage, striking their instruments and shrieking angrily, apparently because somebody has stolen all their shirts.”

“I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,so I took his shoes.”

“The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”

“Leonard Aster thanked Fighting Prawn and the Mollusk tribe for their hospitality.“You mean,” said Fighting Prawn, “for not killing you?”“Yes,” said Leonard. “It was very gracious of you.”“Do you,” said Leonard, “I mean, does you tribe, shake hands?”“No,” said Fighting Prawn. “We kiss on the lips.”“Oh,” said Leonard, looking very alarmed.”

“The Mollusks—generous hosts when they weren’t trying to kill you.”

“Stache’s attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics—and a big piece if luck.”

“You might have mentioned this to me Molly,” said Leonard. “The fact that there are hostile natives on the island.”“I forgot,” said Molly.“You forgot?” said Leonard.“There’s been a lot happening,” said Molly.”

“She wanted to cry, but she did not want Peter to see her cry, and she especially did not want Teacher, with her flowing hair, to see her cry.”

“You and Teacher,” said Molly.“Yes,” said Peter. “She’s very clever. You’ll like her.”“I’m sure,” said Molly.”

“No man had ever knocked little Richard down. But of course Ammm was not a man.”

“How can you be afraid of women?”“Those ain’t normal women.”

“My name—or the English version of my name—is Fighting Prawn.”“Fighting Prawn?” said Alf.“Does my name amuse you, Englishman?” said Fighting Prawn.“No,” said Alf, his grin evaporating. “If I may ask,” said Fighting Prawn, “what is your name?”“Alf,” said Alf.“Alf,” repeated Fighting Prawn. He said something to the other Mollusk’s, which included “Alf.” They roared with laughter. Fighting Prawn turned back to Alf.“In our language,” he said, “Alf means squid poop.”

“Seriously? You won’t help me?”“Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.”

“Alf pondered his next move. On the one hand, the savages seemed to be responding reasonably well to “How.” On the other hand they really weren’t making much progress.At least they’re not eating us, he thought.Ten seconds went by, then twenty, as Alf looked at the older savage, and the older savage looked at Alf. Finally, out of sheer nervousness, and unable to think of what else to do, Alf raised his right hand again. But this time, just as Alf began to speak, the savage rotated his spear from the vertical to the horizontal, pointing it toward Alf’s chest. Alf stopped in mid “How,” staring at the sharp pink spear tip, inches from his heart.And the savage spoke.Poking his spear tip against Alf’s chest, he said: “Can we move this conversation along, old chap? I’m getting frightfully tired of “How.”

“His body rigid with terror as he waited for the savages to something horrible to him—bash his head with clubs, or stab him with spears, or……or tap him on the shoulder.”

“Sir,” James asked, “what are we going to do?”“We’re going to look for water,” said Alf.“And food?” said Tubby Ted.“Water first,” said Alf. “We can go days without food.”“We can what?” Tubby Ted shouted.”

“Who are you?” he said. “And why are you shouting?”“I’m your first officer, sir,” said Slank. “Mr. Slank. I’m just relaying your orders to the crew.”“Ah,” said Pembridge.“The aft binnacle has been cast off, sir,” said Slank.“The what?” said Pembridge.“The aft binnacle,” said Slank. “As you ordered.”“I did?” said Pembridge, squinting suspiciously. “When?”“Just now, sir,” said Slank.Pembridge blinked at Slank.“Who are you, again?” he said.“You first officer, sir,” said Slank.Pembridge blinked again.“My head hurts,” he said.“Perhaps the captain would like to go to his cabin,” said Slank.“You don’t tell me was to do,” said Pembridge. “I’m the captain.”“Yes, sir,” said Slank.“I’m going to my cabin,” said Pembridge.”

“When the cow jerks away, it’ll yank the door open.”“But what’s going to make the cow jerk away?” asked Little Richard.“You’re going to milk it,” said Slank.“But I don’t know how to milk a cow!” said Little Richard.“Exactly.”

“Land!” shouted Thomas.“Is there food?” asked Tubby Ted.”

“He could even think about how fast he was thinking about things.”

“That is the Wasp, yes. But it was captured by Black Stache, and he’s coming for this ship now.”“And how do you know that?” asked Slank. “Did a seagull tell you?” This brought chuckles from the crew.Something like that, thought Peter.”

“A secret society within a secret society.”

“Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain.”

“I don’t have much of a life now, and from what I’m told I’ll have even less where I’m going. If there’s something wonderful on this ship, I want to know what it is. This is my only chance.”-Peter”

“There was nowhere to sit except the bunk, which was covered with rotting food, and a wooden stool, upon which sat a large fur-covered lump—an old cheese, perhaps, or a dead cat.”

“He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he’d gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife.”

“Black Stache had no love for the Queen, no love for women of any sort, except for his ma. He had a real soft spot for his ma, and was truly sorry for the time he’d marooned her.”

“If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover.”

“He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.”

“Cyrus Pembridge, the Never Land’s captain, was widely regarded as the most incompetent man to comman a ship since the formation of water.“Who in the name of common sense would put to sea on that ship with that man in charge?” wondered Mack.“Well,” Alf answered, “we are.”“True,” Mack said.”

“Why don’t you lift the end?” said Alf.“It’s me back, Alf,” complained Mack. “You know how it troubles me.”“No more than mine troubles me,” said Alf.“But I said it first,” said Mack.”

“If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, why, then, Peter would declare himself eleven. Also, he could spit the farthest. That made him the undisputed leader.”

“It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.”

“Someone was tapping on the window.”

“We constantly see surveys that reveal this ignorance, especially among our high school students,78 percent of whom, in a recent nationwide multiple-choice test, identified Abraham Lincoln as 'a kind of lobster.' That's right: more than three quarters of our nation's youth could not correctly identify the man who invented the telephone.”

“In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.”