David Cross

“I wonder if God cries. Or gets sad, even. Or happy. Or elated. Does he ever have a good belly laugh? Does he sense contentment? Does he feel pride or remorse? Is he stoic? We know from the Old Testament that he experiences bloodthirsty, murderous rage and fierce pride. He imbued mankind with all of these emotions, but it's hard to imagine him feeling any of these. It's almost a little embarrassing to think of him feeling jealousy. Of course he's WAY more advanced and evolved than we are. So I guess the ultimate stage of humanity is when we don't laugh or cry or experience emotion at all. God gave us laughter as a constant remind of what lesser-evolved beings humans are. Stupid humans!”

“I guess the lesson to be learned from the [Catholic] church is that while homosexuality is a sin against GOD, molestation and rape, well... they're just sins against a child.”

“Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm”

“I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.”

“I've been coming to this circle for about five years, and measuringit. The diameter and the circumference are constantly changing, butthe radius stays the same. Which brings me to the number 5. There arefive letters in the word Blaine. Now, if you mix up the letters in theword Blaine, mix 'em around, eventually, you'll come up with Nebali.Nebali. The name of a planet in a galaxy way, way, way... way faraway. And another thing. Once you go into that circle, the weathernever changes. It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain.”