Deanna Raybourn

“He had strong, steady hands, and I could tell from looking at them there was little he couldn't do. Mossy always said you could tell everything you needed to know about a man from his hands. Some hands, she told me, were leaving hands. They were the wandering sort that slipped into places they shouldn't, and they would wander right off again because those hands just couldn't stay still. Some hands were worthless hands, fit only to hold a drink or flick ash from a cigar, and some were punishing hands that hit hard and didn't leave a mark and those were the ones you never stayed to see twice.But the best hands were knowing hands, Mossy told me with a slow smile. Knowing hands were capable; they could soothe a horse or woman. They could take things apart -- including your heart -- and put them back together better than before. Knowing hands were rare, but if you found them, they were worth holding, at least for a little while.”

“Because if we're on the road to hell, we're going to dance the whole damn way and give them something to talk about when we're gone.”

“But this is a thing that I know--to live with fear is not to live at all. A man will die every moment he is afraid.”

“You have to love someone completely to be willing to destroy them.”

“I'd had my heart broken, you see. Fell in love with the wrong chap and he crushed me right down to the bedrock. Nothing left but humiliation.”

“I hesitated for all the right reasons. And I accepted for all the wrong ones.”

“He isn't interested in simple. He wants what he wants. No matter how much trouble she is and no matter whether he even understands it himself.”

“She didn't look at me and I didn't look at her. Some questions are so direct the only way to ask them is sideways.”

“Julia, we are all children at Christmastime.”“You are not,” I pointed out.He gave me a shadowy smile. “I think you told me once I was born old.”

“Your Aunt Hermia will not thank you for attempting to poach her maid. Do not look to me for protection,” he advised. “I have my hands quite full with one March lady. I could not rise to the challenge of taking on another.”

“I sat down and put my fingertips to my temples, rubbing hard. “We have one fallen tree, one destroyed Rookery, one delusional butler and no good brandy. Is that what you are telling me?” “And the cook’s down with piles and more than half the staff are suffering from catarrh,” she added maliciously.I looked to Brisbane, who was smiling broadly. “God bless us, everyone,” he said, spreading his arms wide.”

“The other travellers do seem to have given us a wide berth,” I admitted.“Can you blame them?” He surveyed our possessions, and I found myself smiling as well.“Not precisely a partridge in a pear tree...”“But we have a raven in a cage, a lurcher on a lead, a Siamese in a basket, and a dormouse in your décolletage. We are a travelling circus.”

“—Ahora lo entiendo —dije, con la voz amortiguada contra su hombro—. Lo entiendo de verdad. —¿Entender qué? —Lo que se siente al ver que la persona que más quieres en el mundo está en peligro. Antes no lo sabía de verdad. Y al ver a Felicity apuntándote al corazón con la pistola, de repente me sentí una estúpida por no haberlo sabido. —¿Saber qué? —Lo salvaje que es. No tiene nada de razonable ni de lógico. Tenías razón al decir que pierdes el control en lo que se refiere a mí. Yo no podía controlar lo que iba a hacer. Provoqué la explosión porque no podía pensar en otra cosa que en salvarte. No pensé en lo peligroso que era para mí y para los demás. En ese momento solo me importabas tú. Solo tú. Y habría hecho cualquier cosa por salvarte. Habría pagado cualquier precio, habría cometido cualquier pecado, habría vendido mi alma con tal de salvarte.”

“—¿Qué ocurre? ¿Es que te da miedo que pierda el control? Deja que te hable del control, esposa mía. He pensado mucho en él durante estos últimos meses, ¿y sabes a qué conclusión he llegado? A que es una ilusión. Durante toda mi vida me he enorgullecido de tener el control. Ha sido lo único constante durante mi precaria existencia. Me ocurriera lo que me ocurriera, yo tenía la capacidad de ejercer el dominio sobre mí mismo. Reprimía las visiones porque podía hacerlo. Era lo único que tenía. Yo abrí la boca, pero él no me permitió decir nada y continuó hablando con la voz tensa de emoción. —Lo único que tenía era el control, y ahora lo estoy perdiendo, ¿lo entiendes? El día de nuestra boda prometí que te protegería, y después te prometí, como un idiota, que te dejaría participar en mi trabajo. Pensaba que podría hacerlo, que podría controlar el miedo que siento por ti, el terror que siento por si te ocurre algo, pero no puedo. No puedo dominarlo del mismo modo que no puedo dominar lo que me ocurre cuando llegan las visiones. Me he pasado toda la vida manteniendo a raya estas emociones, y ahora resulta que la lógica y el control, mis únicos amigos en este mundo, me han abandonado. Construí mi vida y mi carrera profesional basándome en ellos, y me han dejado cuando más los necesitaba.”

“Imagínate cómo es esta vida cuando hace frío, cuando el suelo está cubierto de nieve y no encuentras nada que comer, y tienes que romper el hielo para que los caballos puedan beber. O cuando es pleno verano y la hierba está seca y no hay sombra para protegerse del sol.—Bueno, eso no suena muy bien —admití.—O cuando hay comida solo para la mitad de la tribu, y tienes que pelearte con tus propios primos para ver quién come ese día —continuó él con una mirada sombría—. Cuando se te ha quedado pequeño el abrigo y tienes que robar periódicos para ponerte las hojas dentro de la camisa y no pasar tanto frío. Cuando robas una cartera y tu madre te da una paliza por haber sido torpe.Su voz se había vuelto muy grave, y yo no dije nada mientras continuaba hablando, casi consigo mismo.—O cuando vienen los giorgios con sus perros y sus antorchas, vuelcan los vardos y tiran tu comida al fuego solo porque la ley se lo permite, y sus hijos te escupen y te insultan mientras sus madres sonríen. Eso es ser gitano”

“My face grew hot. "We were discussing the investigation," I told him quickly. "He was here a quarter of an hour at the most."Father smiled at me sadly. "My dear girl, if you din't know what mischief can be gotten up to in a quarter of an hour you are no child of mine.”

“Of course, he was absolutely correct, it was no concern of mine. So naturally I thought about it--excessively.”

“You have always been dazzling - the life of every party, the glamour girl who dances until dawn.""Well, I am. But I'm dancing on broken glass. I'm Miss Havisham's wedding cake, Kit. A frothy, expensive, mice-eaten confection. I'm the Sphinx's nose, the fallen Colossus. I'm a beautiful ruin, and it's time that has done the deed.”

“It will be full dark soon, and I do not like the look of that sky. The temperature is falling as well," he added, rubbing his hands together briskly. "I think we shall be in for a bit of snow from the look of the cloud just over the Downs." Naturally the gentlemen had to spend another quarter of an hour debating the weather as the ladies stood shivering, Portia rolling her eyes at me behind Father's back. In the end they all agreed that, yes, it was indeed growing colder and darker and we ought to depart at once for the Abbey.”

“...it all fell into place and I simply knew, as one knows that fire is hot and sleep is sweet. It was just that sudden, that elemental, and it occurred to me then that the truth is precisely that--elemental. It is the essence of itself; it cannot be argued or winnowed down to something less than what it is.”

“Be calm," she said soothingly, and I realized she was not talking to the bird. "How am I supposed to be calm? I worry," I retorted. She gave a snort. "Then you are more stupid than I supposed. Worry, what is that? A pointless thing is Mr. Worry-an intruder. He steals into your house and creeps into your bed and what do you do child? Do you push him away and tell him to be gone and bolt the door fast against him? No, you move over and let him have the good pillow and the best quilt to warm himself." She flapped a hand in disgust. "Worry never did a man a bit of good. All he does is robs one's peace and make lines on the face.”

“You are curious and quick, you have a deft mind, and for some unaccountable reason, people tell you things -- useful things.”

“I think people are much the same wherever you go. Some of them good, some of them clever, and some of them with the devil in them.”

“A tiny smile played over his lips as he glanced down at my hand. "Do you mean to win me over with feminine wiles? I must admit it is a more diverting notion than your usual method of screaming at me like a fishwife."I did not rise to the bait. I simply looked at him. "Please."He caught his breath, a slow smile warming his features. "My god, you are trying to seduce me.""I am not." I said primly. "I am merely trying to get your attention."He bent swiftly and kissed me hard, pulling back so suddenly I nearly toppled over. "I believe I have already made it quite clear you have my attention.”

“I will make arrangements for you and Portia to return to London the following day. I will be closing up the house. I am leaving England for a while.""For how long?" I asked him, determined to keep my composure."Until I am quite recovered from you," he said evenly. "When will you return?""Never.”

“Debes prestarle atención a tu corazón, aunque no sepas adonde van a conducirte sus dictados. Hacer otra cosa sería abrirle la puerta a la tristeza.”

“Verá, doctor, los aristócratas somos como los funámbulos. No nos damos cuenta de lo que hay debajo de nosotros.-Julia Grey”

“No Julia necesitas aventuras. Necesitas un amante unas vacaciones en el extranjero. Tienes que cortarte el pelo y nadar desnuda en un río. Necesitas comer cosas que nunca hayas visto y hablar lenguajes que no conoces. Necesitas besar a un hombre que haga que te fallen las rodillas y que te acelere el corazón. -Portia”

“Yo no he dicho eso. Tiene usted el don de sacar el peor significado posible de mis palabras. Nicholas Brisbane”

“....Only you mattered in that moment. Only you. And I would have done anything to save you. I would have paid any price committed any sin sold my very soul to do it.”

“They have different accents in America " Brisbane smiled. "Just as we do here." I waved a hand. "They all sound alike to me.”

“Is that right A cattle baron It sounds strange.”

“I matched my heated tone with one of pure ice. "I believe I did attempt to relate to you the facts of my calls and you interrupted me with a rather magnificent display of temper much as you are doing now. If you do not have all the facts of the case perhaps you have no one but yourself to blame." Brisbane opened his mouth and shut it with a snap. His mouth remained closed but I could hear him muttering under his breath. "What are you saying?" "I am counting. To one hundred. In Cantonese.”

“Everyone knows the Devil takes care of his own.”

“I reached up to press a kiss to his cheek. "Do not be too angry with Father. He did not mean it not really." "Angry? I feel rather sorry for him. We are kindred spirits," he observed with a wry twist of his mouth. "How so?" "We both suffer because you will not understand how utterly essential you are to our happiness.”

“Are you going to say anything?" Brisbane crossed one leg lazily over the other flicking an imaginary piece of lint from his trousers. "I think he is doing quite well without me." "I did not mean for you to help him I meant for you to defend me," I said huffing slightly in my indignation.”

“I am sorry " I murmured. "I know. I ought not to have threatened to beat you " he returned. He pressed a kiss to my hair. "I just cannot bear to be kept out of your life " I said into the dark. He gave a sigh. "Julia you daft woman. When you will you understand You are my life.”

“By the time I had gathered my wits sufficiently to press the point the lamps had guttered out and Brisbane was sleeping heavily fatigued by his effortshighly successful efforts I must confessto divert me from the investigation. I lay awake physically satisfied but deeply annoyed. Even after nine months of marriage I was still not entirely comfortable with my responses to his physical overtures. The merest touch from him and all reasonable though seemed to fly out of my head. It was most disconcerting and more so because he apparently knew it I thought irritable.”

“It seemed a very great folly to attempt to force a declaration from him, but it seemed a greater folly to let him go. If there was a single chance at happiness with him, I was determined to seize it.”

“Oh, yes. I mean to marry him. But not because I want him to give me a life. I want to marry him to share the life I already have. The difference, I think you will find, is a significant one.”

“After a moment, he turned sharply to me. 'Are you quite all right?''Yes, perfectly. Why do you ask?''Because I have just called you contrary and you did not bother to contradict me. I thought you might be ill.”

“I stepped closer still. He closed his eyes again and covered my hand with his own. 'You smell of violets. You always smell of violets,' he said. 'You've no idea how many times I have walked these moors and smelled them and thought you were near. On and on I walked, following the scent of you, and you were never there. When I saw you in the hall tonight, I thought I had finally gone mad.”

“I see only a little, lady, but I know that your fortune is as twined with his as the ivy to the oak.”

“Apparently, he uses disguises sometimes in the course of his investigations. In his liaison with Mariah, he used them for discretion. He came to her once dressed as a chimney sweep. Quite invigorating, don't you think?”

“Now I was more certain than ever of my decision. I could not love a man who did not love Jane Austen.”

“Did you mean what you said? You will pursue this?'Brisbane sipped at his tea. 'I suppose. I have a few other matters that I must bring to conclusion, but nothing that cannot wait. And I have no other clients questioning either my integrity or my courage at present.”

“One is not born English without knowing how to converse easily about the weather.”

“To say that I met Nicholas Brisbane over my husband's dead body is not entirely accurate. Edward, it should be noted, was still twitching upon the floor.”

“Those are facts. Are they the truth? No, for they do not tell you of the heart, and that is where truth lives.”

“I would give up everything for you, Giulia"I smiled at him gently. "But you must understand. I should never want a man to give up anything for me. I should want him to feel in winning me he has won the whole world...”