Debra Anastasia

“This is it, Beck. This is the hardest part of loving someone: not being with them when you want to be. It's so bad you can taste it.”

“Okay, how's this? I’ve been to Heaven and Hell. I’ve seen the whole world, but the only thing that makes me want to live is this: being inside you. I love you so much. You’re all I see.”

“My love, I’d volunteer to live a thousand lives if I got to spend any part of them with you.”

“She opened her eyes with a gasp. “I love you.” He had tears running a path down his face. He nodded. “Back at ya, pretty child. So, so much.”

“How can it be wrong? Love picks the right path, not the one of least resistance.”

“Hey, pretty child. You’re a sight for sore fucking eyes.”

“I’m not leaving you. Right here, right now is the happiest I’ve ever been. I love you. That means I don’t leave. Sorry.”

“Did you just pimp slap my ass with your angel hand?”

“You might want to have Kate close her eyes if you ever want her to sleep with you, asshole. Because once I take off my pants, you’ll always come second.”

“-I'll play you a song.Blake flexed his fingers and concentrated harder on the cardboard, moving his hands methodically over it's surface.What do you say after an imaginary concert? Livia watched as the song came to a close with his careful plucking a certain keys on the cardboard. She couldn't help but glance to see if the commuters were staring.-I couldn't hear that, but your hands looked beautiful.-Of course not. It's not plugged in.Blake smiled, then watched as she didn't get his joke.”

“Cole turned his bride to hug her from behind, nuzzling her neck.-I'll have you in my bed next. I'm going to make love to you so thoroughly that, tomorrow? You'll walk like John Wayne.”

“If you're playing on fucking me to death, I'm so on board with that.”

“Every time I think I couldn’t love you a bit more, you stretch my heart again.”

“Livia, the luck belongs to me,” he whispered. “The kindness belongs to you. One lifetime will never be enough for us.”

“It’s just that you’re the kindest person in the world. And you’re here with me. I’ll never stop feeling lucky.”

“My beautiful wife, welcome to forever.”

“That was okay for you?”“No, that made my orgasms have orgasms, so it was anything but okay.”

“Livia’s eyes filled with grateful tears.Blake brushed them away. “Now you cry? After I’ve made love to you?”“It’s just that you’re the kindest person in the world. And you’re here with me. I’ll never stop feeling lucky.” She burrowed her face into his warm hug. She felt his kiss on her hair.“Livia, the luck belongs to me,” he whispered. “The kindness belongs to you. One lifetime will never be enough for us.”

“Whoever said marriage is boring didn’t marry you!” Livia kissed his cheek. “Thank you for that.”Blake kissed her forehead. “That was okay for you?”“No, that made my orgasms have orgasms, so it was anything but okay.” She smiled.Blake propped himself up on an elbow to stroke her face. “My beautiful wife, welcome to forever.”Livia’s eyes filled with grateful tears.Blake brushed them away. “Now you cry? After I’ve made love to you?”“It’s just that you’re the kindest person in the world. And you’re here with me. I’ll never stop feeling lucky.” She burrowed her face into his warm hug. She felt his kiss on her hair.“Livia, the luck belongs to me,” he whispered. “The kindness belongs to you. One lifetime will never be enough for us.”

“Make me lose count, Blake Hartt.”Livia let him lift her and guide her body onto him.Joined. Inside. Together.“I love you,” they breathed.”

“Five…six…seven. I’m never going to stop…”

“He paused until she locked eyes with him. “Count, Livia. Count out loud when you come for me.”“Two, oh, three, God, oh, God.”“Screw the biting. Just please, just more,” she begged.“Biting is next,” he said.By the time he was nibbling circles, she was counting again. “Four—your hands, use your hands.”“Five…six…seven. I’m never going to stop…” She was almost panicked in her frenzy.”

“His chest was hard and tempting, with the scars from his move to save her carved forever on his skin.”

“You’re going to kill me. God, you smell so good.” Blake let his clever tongue find its way on her skin.”

“In me. Come in me. Have me.Livia heard her thoughts echoing in the room and realized she’d said them out loud. His hands gripped her thighs, letting her know this was becoming impossible for him.“Lick, Blake. That’s next.” Livia watched as he growled on his way to her ear.“You’re going to kill me. God, you smell so good.” Blake let his clever tongue find its way on her skin.”

“Do you remember the pattern, Livia?”“Blow…lick…bite.” Livia wanted to say something cute, something funny, but he licked his lips and she forgot how to make any more words.”

“She batted her lashes again. He stopped and looked at her, his hands full of champagne, flutes, and a glass bowl full of strawberries. Blake bit his tongue.After a deep sigh he gave Livia a command. “Do not do that again. I’m trying to exercise some self-control here.”Livia pouted and batted her lashes some more.He smiled and shook his head. “Damn it. You’ll pay for that.”

“He grabbed her around the waist and put her in the center of the bed, then stood and admired her.“I love you so much, I think there are burn marks on my heart.” Blake touched his chest.“Do they hurt?” Livia wondered aloud with a wink.“Only when I’m not holding you.” Blake trailed his fingertips from her ankle to the top of her thigh.“Hold me always then. I’m yours.” Livia batted her lashes playfully until one of his hands gripped her gently bound wrists, and the other abandoned her leg to trace her jaw.Blake kissed her lips until she finally fidgeted with anticipation.”

“There isn’t a single spot I’ll miss tonight, my wife.” Blake pulled her against him, tilting her head until he could kiss her again. His fingers and lips made her moan. He placed a hand on her stomach and the other behind her neck. “How many times can I make you come before you can’t take it anymore?”

“He moved to stand behind her. “How many times did I watch you? So many. Wondering what you smelled like, right here.” He lifted her hair and grazed his nose along the nape of her neck.“Exactly like fresh snow.” Blake grabbed two fistfuls of her hair, letting his lips brush her ear.“And how often did I wonder what you tasted like?” He used her hair to turn her head. He leaned down to sample her lips. “Vanilla and lust.” He leaned down and ran his hands up her calves. “When you wore heels to the station? I couldn’t think for hours about anything other than this curve, right here behind your knee.”“There isn’t a single spot I’ll miss tonight, my wife.”

“I love you so much, I think there are burn marks on my heart.” Blake touched his chest.“Do they hurt?”“Only when I’m not holding you.”“Hold me always then. I’m yours.”

“May I escort you inside, Mrs. Hartt?”Livia bit her lower lip and nodded.Blake scooped her up.To be carried was such a basic thing. And yet it felt…Primal? Almost. Religious? Maybe.She focused on his deep, even breaths as he maneuvered through the doorway. Livia laughed a little at herself. She was grateful for the simple act of Blake’s breathing.”

“The men skipped their traditional greeting. They’d dropped the ritual. This was their unspoken acknowledgment of Beckett’s absence.”

“Remember how many times I did my hair the day I married Kyle? I think that shirt is my hair for you today.”Blake sighed. “What? Could you not launch riddles at me? I can’t think straight.”

“She watched as the dirt kicked up in a cloud. When it cleared, she couldn’t see him anymore. She stayed until she couldn’t hear him anymore.Staying.Not chasing.Not stopping him.She knew she could bring him back. She was more than capable, and yet her feet refused to move. It felt like the little arms that had encircled her neck still clung there.Was it my Anna? Was her name just a coincidence?Eve hated that she had these questions, and that the only man she wanted to talk to about them was David. Have I just forsaken Beckett?Roots continued to form. Her murderous hands remembered how satisfying clicking the seatbelt around Emily’s small body had been. It sounded just like releasing the safety on a gun. Could motherhood be even a tiny possibility?Her inaction chose her future.”

“You can have that life,” he told her. “It’s right there for you to take.”“I love you,” Eve quickly countered.“Loving me hurts you, doesn’t it?” Beckett asked, looking down. “No, you don’t have to tell me. I know. I can smell it. I can smell the pain coming off of you,” he said, looking at the floor. “You had love before and a future. What does loving me get you, Eve? What does it get you?” He stood, angry with himself.“I don’t need to get anything from you. It’s the way it is. There’s no changing that.” She gripped the porch railing.Beckett stepped close to Eve and tenderly tucked a lock of hair that had escaped her ponytail behind her ear.“You’re saying goodbye,” she said, her eyes full of questions.“Do you know there are other little girls out there like that one? I lived with a few of them. They would sell their souls for a mother like you.”At the word mother Eve’s chin crumpled. She tried to hold back the tears, but they wouldn’t obey.“See that? It’s what you need. You need that—a little kid calling you Mom.” Beckett put his arms around her as she shattered.The pain she kept hidden surfaced from where it had been smoldering. When he felt her knees weaken, he hugged her harder.“That’s right. It’s okay. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, baby. You want normal.” He guided her to the chair he’d vacated. “There’s a guy out there who’ll hold your hand. There’s a little girl out there. She’s waiting for you. It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.” He knelt in front of her and rubbed her arms.She slapped at his hands, letting outrage carry her words. “I don’t want another man. I want you. I’ve killed for you. I’ve protected you. What the hell do you think you’re doing? Do you honestly think these hands that kill can hold a child?” She held her fingers in front of her face.“Yes. Absolutely. Don’t you know, gorgeous? Mothers are some of the most vicious killers out there, if their kids are threatened. You just have more practice.” He took her hands and kissed them.“I’ve lost too much. I can’t lose you. Don’t make me. Please. I’ll beg you if I have to.” She watched his lips on her palms.He shook his head and used her own words against her. “The hardest part of loving someone is not being with them when you want to be.”He stood, and she mirrored his motion,already shaking her head. “Don’t say it.”Beckett ignored her; he knew what he had to do. He had to set beautiful Eve free to find that soft, touchable woman he’d seen her become with the little girl.”

“Emily was so excited she forgot. She was so happy she made a mistake and said, “Thank you so much, Mommy!”

“Oh, God don’t let me hurt him.Am I really doing this? Here? Is this real?We’re in the middle of nowhere. No one is going to find us. Even the fire has gone out.He’s dead. I’m just beating on his body.My arms hurt. How can my arms hurt now? Blake. I can’t. I can’t be here without you.I’ve got to be positive. I have to know he’ll make it.We’re going to grow old together, Blake. We’re going to hold hands and kiss.I’m giving you all my energy. All this love and hope. It’s going from my heart to yours, through my hands.Feel it, Blake. Feel it.I love you so much. I’m going to love you forever. Can you feel that, Blake?Am I imagining that? Your skin?Blake! Blake, your skin! It’s just like glass, Blake. You’re really sparkling. I can see it. I can really see it. Your skin is amazing!You’re glistening, Blake. I’ll never stop. I’ll never stop.”

“One and two and three and four and five and six…”Oh, God don’t let me hurt him.“…and seven and eight and nine and ten and eleven…”Am I really doing this? Here? Is this real?“…and twelve and thirteen and fourteen and fifteen…”We’re in the middle of nowhere. No one is going to find us. Even the fire has gone out.“…and sixteen and seventeen and eighteen and nineteen…”He’s dead. I’m just beating on his body.“…and twenty and twenty-one and twenty-two and twenty-three and twenty-four…”My arms hurt. How can my arms hurt now? Blake. I can’t. I can’t be here without you.“…and twenty-five and twenty-six and twenty-seven and twenty-eight and twenty-nine and thirty.”The next step was simple: cover his mouth and fill his lungs with air. Breathe into him with life’s breath. Livia did so, licked her lips, and started compressions again.“And one and two and three and four and five and six and seven…”I’ve got to be positive. I have to know he’ll make it.“…and eight and nine and ten and eleven and twelve and thirteen and fourteen…”We’re going to grow old together, Blake. We’re going to hold hands and kiss.“…and fifteen and sixteen and seventeen and eighteen and nineteen…”I’m giving you all my energy. All this love and hope. It’s going from my heart to yours, through my hands.“…and twenty and twenty-one and twenty-two and twenty-three…”Feel it, Blake. Feel it.“…and twenty-four and twenty-five and twenty-six and twenty-seven…”I love you so much. I’m going to love you forever. Can you feel that, Blake?“…and twenty-eight and twenty-nine and thirty.”Livia leaned down, repositioned Blake’s head, and filled his lungs twice more. As she put her hands on his chest to keep her rhythm, she looked down at his face, at his skin.“And one and two and three and four and five and six…”Am I imagining that? Your skin?“…and seven and eight and nine and ten and eleven…”Blake! Blake, your skin! It’s just like glass, Blake. You’re really sparkling. I can see it. I can really see it. Your skin is amazing!Livia’s tears landed on her hard-pumping hands. Nothing would stop her from beating Blake’s heart for him now. Nothing. Not even the sound of people crashing through the woods.“…and twelve and thirteen and fourteen and fifteen and sixteen and seventeen…”You’re glistening, Blake. I’ll never stop. I’ll never stop.”

“Twenty steps in, she felt her soul grind to a halt. Go back.She couldn’t even argue. She doubled back and stared at Blake’s form. Something was different. He wasn’t there. No. She ran to him. Setting her ear to his chest and hushing her own panting, she waited. And waited. She put two fingers on his neck to feel for a beat. She watched for a breath. No beat. No breath. Nothing.”

“Blake opened his beautiful green eyes. He tried to smile, but it was just a grimace. “Livia. I love you too. Smile again.”She hated his words. They were a goodbye. “I can’t smile, I have to run. I have to get help.” She tried to stand and felt the gentle pressure of his hand on her thigh.“Smile again.” He worked to keep his eyes open.Livia picked up the hand that had stopped her. She lifted it to her lips and kissed every knuckle. By the time Livia tried to smile, only one of his green eyes was focused on her face. Her forced smile used all the wrong muscles.“Good enough,” he joked.”

“She kneeled at Blake’s side again.“Hey, handsome. I don’t have a signal. We’re going to have walk a bit. Let’s help you up.” Livia slipped her arm under his and tried to help him sit. He shouted, and Livia laid him down quickly.“I’m so sorry. Is it that bad?” Frustration curled her fingers.“Livia, it’s not good.” Blake hardly moved his lips.”

“Change if you must, but leave the heels on, please.”

“Now this I know what to do with. You’ve been my bride. I promise to spend all night making you my wife.”

“Then Blake pulled another paper from the envelope: a reservation at a bed and breakfast in Rhinebeck. Blake nuzzled Livia’s neck. “Now this I know what to do with. You’ve been my bride. I promise to spend all night making you my wife.”

“The artist sang of dreams and a home. Blake moved slowly with Livia, and she could feel the lyrics vibrating in his chest as he sang softly with the music. Livia tilted her head so she could watch him mouth home. She loved the word on his lips and touched them with her fingertips. Blake stopped singing to kiss her hand. He took his gaze off of Livia to take in the guests surrounding the dancefloor. While the couple danced, the partygoers had lit floating lanterns. Blake and Livia were now surrounded by huge, glowing orbs.”

“Blake had picked the song for their first dance, and Livia laughed when she realized they’d selected music by the same artist, just different songs. She stopped laughing when she heard the lyrics. None present could miss the deeply felt meaning in the words.”

“Beckett, where’s Eve?”When he had her pressed to his chest, she tried again. “Are you going to tell me or what?”Beckett sighed and looked into her face. “I left her, babycakes. She needs wings, not handcuffs.”He held Livia tighter, like she was a teddy bear.She stopped moving her feet and hugged him around the neck. “You’re not handcuffs. Don’t you know that? She loves you. She does, I’ve seen it.”Beckett resumed dancing, dipping her again. “Look around, Whitebread. She’s not here. She didn’t try to stop me from coming. Her heart belongs to a dead man and a dream. I’m neither of those things.” Beckett released her and clapped for the end of the song. He reached in his pocket and produced a crumpled envelope. “Here’s my gift to you guys. I’m sure Blake won’t want to accept it, but I’m hoping you’ll convince him. For me.”

“She grabbed his hand as he passed. “Whitebread, you’re edible. What a stunning lady you are. Blake’s a lucky man.” Beckett waggled his eyebrows at his brother as he spun, twirled, and dipped Livia out to the center of the dancefloor. Blake watched with a smile as other couples moved into the space around them and Lorraine filled the air with music again.”

“Blake, Cole, and I have been family for each other, because the ones we started with were for crap. Why they let me in, I still don’t know. But because they did, I believed I was worth more than I would have otherwise.” He nodded and gathered his thoughts for a moment.“Blake’s company made me want to hug trees and hear music. Cole’s company made me want to try harder to be a better person. I never imagined that anyone could love either of these men enough for me to let them go.”“But I didn’t know about the McHugh girls. Their love is fiercer than guns. More powerful than fistfuls of money. I can walk away because of them. Officer McHugh? I want to thank you again for letting me see this through. I know my peace of mind is far from your concern, but I appreciate it anyway.”Beckett held his glass up high. “To my brothers. They’ve finally gotten the lives they deserve.”