Dorothy Parker

“Somewhere, there, is an analogy, in a small way, if you have the patience for it. But I guess it isn't a very good anecdote. I'm better at animal stories.”

“Like many a better one before me, I have gone down under the force of numbers, under the books and books and books that keep coming out and coming out and coming out, shoals of them, spates of them, flash floods of them, too blame many books, and no sign of an end.”

“The nowadays ruling that no word is unprintable has, I think, done nothing whatever for beautiful letters. The boys have gone hog-wild with liberty, yet the short flat terms used over and over, both in dialogue and narrative, add neither vigor nor clarity; the effect is not of shock but of something far more dangerous — tedium.”

“But I don't give up; I forget why not.”

“For years I have been crouching in corners hissing small and ladylike anathema of Theodore Dreiser.”

“There are times when images blow to fluff, and comparisons stiffen and shrivel.”

“His books are exciting and powerful and — if I may filch the word from the booksy ones — pulsing.”

“The plot is so tired that even this reviewer, who in infancy was let drop by a nurse with the result that she has ever since been mystified by amateur coin tricks, was able to guess the identity of the murderer from the middle of the book.”

“A hangover is the wrath of grapes.”

“Some men break your heart in two,Some men fawn and flatter,Some men never look at you;And that cleans up the matter.”

“Because your eyes are slant and slow,Because your hair is sweet to touch,My heart is high again; but oh,I doubt if this will get me much.”

“L'amour c'est comme du mercure dans la main. Garde-là ouverte, il te restera dans la paume ; resserre ton étreinte, il te filera entre les doigts.”

“Excuse my dust.”

“Iubirea e ca mercurul in mana. Tine-o deschisa si iti va ramane in plama; strange pumnul si iti va curge printre degete.”

“You think You're frightening me with Your hell, don't You? You think Your hell is worse than mine.”

“I won't telephone him. I'll never telephone him again as long as I live. He'll rot in hell, before I'll call him up. You don't have to give me strength, God; I have it myself. If he wanted me, he could get me. He knows where I am. He knows I'm waiting here. He's so sure of me, so sure. I wonder why they hate you, as soon as they are sure of you.”

“I'll think about something else. I'll just sit quietly. If I could sit still. If I could sit still, maybe I could read. Oh, all the books are about people who love each other, truly and sweetly. What do they want to write about that for? Don't they know it isn't true? Don't they know it's a lie, it's a God-damned lie? What do they have to tell about that for, when they know how it hurts?”

“If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.”

“Prince or commoner, tenor or bass,Painter or plumber or never-do-well,Do me a favor and shut your face -Poets alone should kiss and tell.”

“The ladies men admire, I've heard,Would shudder at a wicked word.Their candle gives a single light,They'd rather stay at home at night.They do not keep awake 'till three,Nor read erotic poetry.They never sanction the impure,Nor recognize an overture.They shrink from powders and from paints...So far I've had no complaints.”

“Ah, clear they see and true they sayThat one shall weep, and one shall stray”

“I'll be the way I was when I first met him. Then maybe he'll like me again. I was always sweet, at first. Oh, it's so easy to be sweet to people before you love them.”

“I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

“If I don't drive around the park,I'm pretty sure to make my mark.If I'm in bed each night by ten,I may get back my looks again,If I abstain from fun and such,I'll probably amount to much,But I shall stay the way I am,Because I do not give a damn…”

“It's not the tragedies that kill us; it's the messes.”

“Out in Hollywood, where the streets are paved with Goldwyn....”

“There's life for you. Spend the best years of your life studying penmanship and rhetoric and syntax and Beowulf and George Eliot, and then somebody steals your pencil.”

“It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”

“When I was young and bold and strong,The right was right, the wrong was wrong.With plume on high and flag unfurled,I rode away to right the world.But now I’m old - and good and bad,Are woven in a crazy plaid.I sit and say the world is so,And wise is s/he who lets it go.”

“If I had a shiny gun I could have a world of fun Speeding bullets through the brains Of the folks that cause me pains :)”

“I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.”

“My love runs by like a day in June, And he makes no friends of sorrows. He'll tread his galloping rigadoon In the pathway of the morrows. He'll live his days where the sunbeams start, Nor could storm or wind uproot him. My own dear love, he is all my heart, -- And I wish somebody'd shoot him.”

“MenThey hail you as their morning starBecause you are the way you are.If you return the sentiment,They'll try to make you different;And once they have you, safe and sound,They want to change you all around.Your moods and ways they put a curse on;They'd make of you another person.They cannot let you go your gait;They influence and educate.They'd alter all that they admired.They make me sick, they make me tired.”

“Pictures pass me in long review,-- Marching columns of dead events. I was tender, and, often, true; Ever a prey to coincidence. Always knew I the consequence; Always saw what the end would be. We're as Nature has made us -- hence I loved them until they loved me. ”

“The sun's gone dim, and the moon's gone black. For I loved him, and he didn't love back.”

“This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it."[Women Know Everything!]”

“tomorrow's gone-we'll have tonight!”

“I never see that prettiest thing-A cherry bough gone white with Spring-But what I think, "How gay 'twould beTo hang me from a flowering tree.”

“Symptom RecitalI do not like my state of mind;I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.I hate my legs, I hate my hands,I do not yearn for lovelier lands.I dread the dawn's recurrent light;I hate to go to bed at night.I snoot at simple, earnest folk.I cannot take the gentlest joke.I find no peace in paint or type.My world is but a lot of tripe.I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.For what I think, I'd be arrested.I am not sick, I am not well.My quondam dreams are shot to hell.My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;I do not like me any more.I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.I ponder on the narrow house.I shudder at the thought of men....I'm due to fall in love again.”

“Daily dawns another day;I must up, to make my way.Though I dress and drink and eat,Move my fingers and my feet,Learn a little, here and there,Weep and laugh and sweat and swear,Hear a song, or watch a stage,Leave some words upon a page,Claim a foe, or hail a friend-Bed awaits me at the end.”

“Q: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?A: You can't hear an enzyme.”

“There was a reason for the cost of those perfectly plain black dresses.”

“But I give you my word, in the entire book there is nothing that cannot be said aloud in mixed company. And there is, also, nothing that makes you a bit the wiser. I wonder--oh, what will you think of me--if those two statements do not verge upon the synonymous.”

“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”

“Lady, lady, never startConversation toward your heart;Keep your pretty words serene;Never murmur what you mean.Show yourself, by word and look,Swift and shallow as a brook.Be as cool and quick to goAs a drop of April snow;Be as delicate and gayAs a cherry flower in May.Lady, lady, never speakOf the tears that burn your cheek-She will never win him, whoseWords had shown she feared to lose.Be you wise and never sad,You will get your lovely lad.Never serious be, nor true,And your wish will come to you-And if that makes you happy, kid,You'll be the first it ever did.”

“The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core. Scratch a lover and find a foe.”

“Inventory:"Four be the things I am wiser to know:Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.Four be the things I'd been better without:Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.Three be the things I shall never attain:Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.Three be the things I shall have till I die:Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.”

“Oh, both my shoes are shiny new,And pristine is my hatMy dress is 1922…My life is all like that.”

“All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends. ”

“You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.”