Dylan Moran
Dylan Moran is an Irish comedian, writer, actor and filmmaker. He is best known for his sardonic observational comedy, the UK television sitcom Black Books (which he co-wrote and starred in), and his work with Simon Pegg in Shaun of the Dead and Run Fatboy Run. Moran also appeared as one of the two lead characters in the Irish black comedy titled A Film with Me in It in 2008. He is a regular performer at national and international comedy festivals including the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, Just for Laughs Montreal Comedy Festival, the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and the Kilkenny Comedy Festival. In 2007 he was voted the 17th greatest stand-up comic on Channel 4's 100 Greatest Stand-Ups and again in the updated 2010 list as the 14th greatest stand-up comic. He lives in Scotland with his wife, Elaine, and two children.
“People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrases that people uses every day, like: 'Be realistic!'"[What It Is (2009)]”
“You’re not really an adult at all. You’re just a tall child holding a beer, having a conversation you don’t understand.”
“I can’t get involved in all the murders you need to commit to get this shit out of your system.”
“I don't know what I want but I know that I want it now.”
“Nothing can make me feel better now, except cocaine.”
“The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner. "Nobody likes my shoes!" "I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said 'Thank you.'" And my favourite: "Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me.”
“Love in all its forms is very difficult ... to express. It changes, obviously. If you’re young, and you’re romantically in love with somebody, and often if you’ve just met somebody, its crazy! It’s completely overwhelming. You can’t think of anything else. You just want to climb inside the other person and live under their pancreas. And then it mellows, somewhat... to the point where you can barely look at them... without feeling a mild distaste”
“I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.”
“Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.”
“And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying.”
“Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?”
“[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.”
“I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.”
“Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.”
“Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.”
“Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!”