Erma Bombeck

“There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I’ve got dreams, of course I’ve got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they’re still there.”

“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.”

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.”

“We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.”

“If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.”

“Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.”

“Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.”

“If I had my life to live over...Someone asked me the other day if I had my life to live over would I change anything.My answer was no, but then I thought about it and changed my mind.If I had my life to live over again I would have waxed less and listened more.Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy and complaining about the shadow over my feet, I'd have cherished every minute of it and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was to be my only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.I would have eaten popcorn in the "good" living room and worried less about the dirt when you lit the fireplace.I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.I would have burnt the pink candle that was sculptured like a rose before it melted while being stored.I would have sat cross-legged on the lawn with my children and never worried about grass stains.I would have cried and laughed less while watching television ... and more while watching real life.I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband which I took for granted.I would have eaten less cottage cheese and more ice cream.I would have gone to bed when I was sick, instead of pretending the Earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for a day.I would never have bought ANYTHING just because it was practical/wouldn't show soil/ guaranteed to last a lifetime.When my child kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now, go get washed up for dinner."There would have been more I love yous ... more I'm sorrys ... more I'm listenings ... but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it ... look at it and really see it ... try it on ... live it ... exhaust it ... and never give that minute back until there was nothing left of it.”

“Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.”

“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”

“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. ”

“There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.”

“Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip”

“No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.”

“In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”

“Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.”

“I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.”

“Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!”

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”

“Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.”

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”

“When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.”

“Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?”

“Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.”

“I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.”

“Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?”

“All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. ”

“Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.”

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

“It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.”

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.”

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.”

“I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food”

“Housework can kill you if done right.”

“Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.”