Fran Lebowitz

“It is not good form to take a Trick out unless one is so firmly established as to be able to afford being associated with someone who might at any given moment write a poem in public.”

“If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater?”

“People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason for this.”

“Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. Your life story would not make a good book. Do not even try.”

“This is not my favorite way to wake up. My favorite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper to me softly at two thirty in the afternoon that if I want to get to Sweden in time to pick up my Nobel Prize for Literature I had better ring for breakfast. This occurs rather less often than one might wish.”

“To me, nothing can be more important than giving children books, It's better to be giving books to children than drug treatment to them when they're 15 years old. Did it ever occur to anyone that if you put nice libraries in public schools you wouldn't have to put them in prisons?”

“When Toni Morrison said 'write the book you want to read,' she didn't mean everybody.”

“Life is something you do when you can’t get to sleep.”

“فكر قبل أن تتكلم، واقرأ قبل أن تفكر”

“Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not possibly have met.”

“Perhaps the least cheering statement ever made on the subject of art is that life imitates it.”

“Sleep is death without the responsibility.”

“If, while watching the sun set on a used-car lot in Los Angeles, you are struck by the parallels between the image and the inevitable fate of humanity, do not, under any circumstance, write it down.”

“polite conversation is rarely either”

“When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.”

“To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.”

“Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.”

“I write so slowly, I could write with my own blood and not hurt myself.”

“There's no equivalent to Mozart in writing.”

“It's much easier to write a solemn book than a funny book. It's harder to make people laugh than it is to make them cry. People are always on the verge of tears.”

“The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one’s soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive – you are leaking.”

“All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write.”

“I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.”

“There is one thing that has disappeared, not just from the U.S. but from the entire world, is the idea of ever being embarrassed by anything.”

“No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.”

“Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. ”

“I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.”

“Your life story would not make a good book. Don’t even try.”

“I am not the type of person who wants to go back to the land I am the type who wants to got back to the hotel.”

“To lose yourself in a book is the desire of the bookworm. I mean to be taken. That is my desire.”

“Presently it appears that people are mainly concerned with being well rested. Those capable of uninterrupted sleep are much admired. Unconsciousness is in great demand. This is the day of the milligram.The rigors of learning how to do long division have been a traditional part of childhood, just like learning to smoke. In fact, as far as I am concerned, the two go hand in hand. Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke. ”

“Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.”

“As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.”

“I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.”

“Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.”

“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.”

“If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.”

“Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.”

“Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications. ”

“The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.”

“I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.”

“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.”

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”

“All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.”

“I believe in talking behind peoples' backs. That way, they hear it more than once.”

“Think before you speak. Read before you think.”

“I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.”

“If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.”

“The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people's sides all of her life.”

“I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.”