Fred Allen

“Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.”

“All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.”

“Televisio is a vehicle that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.”

“a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done”

“You only live once. But if you work it right, once is enough.”

“It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.”

“I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.”

“I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”

“Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. ”

“Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. ”

“California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.”

“The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand. ”

“A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.”

“You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.”

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to be well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”

“I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.”

“A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.”

“A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.”