Gail Carriger

“The duke contents himself mainly with attempting to rule the world and other suchlike nonsense. When one is guiding the patterns of the social universe, a single spinster preternatural is unlikely to cause one undue distress.”

“Sophronia was minding her own business and running late to luncheon, as was her custom. She'd let to learn the advantage of punctuality. As she told Sister Mattie the third time she was late to household potions and poisons, nothing interesting happened until after an event commenced.”

“I do not giggle without purpose. Lady Linette says you should never misapply a giggle.”

“The bowl landed, in glorious perfection, atop the head of Mrs Barnaclegoose, who was not the kind of woman to appreciate the finer points of being crowned by trifle.”

“The boy gestured with his chin at Dimity. “She was shot.” He sounded remarkably unconcerned for a brother with any degree of affection for his sibling.“Good lord!” Sophronia climbed in to see to her new friend’s health. The bullet had grazed Dimity’s shoulder. It had ripped her dress and left a partly burned gash behind, but didn’t look all that bad. Sophronia checked to make certain Dimity had no other injuries. Then she sat back on her heels.“Is that all? I’ve had worse scrapes from drinking tea. Why has she come over all crumpled?”Pillover rolled his eyes. “Faints at the sight of blood, our Dimity. Always has. Weak nerves,father says. It doesn’t even have to be her blood.”

“Alexia's books called this end of the vampire life cycle dissanimation. Alexia, who thought the action astoundingly similar to a soufflé going flat, decided at that moment to call it the Grand Collapse.”

“It's no good choosing your first husband from a school for evil geniuses. Much too difficult to kill.”

“No one ever explained the octopuses.”

“She had to give her teachers credit: they were right to insist all pupils carry scissors, handkerchiefs, perfume and hair ribbons at all times. At some point she'd learn why they also required a red lace doily and a lemon.”

“Captain Niall, having apparently resigned himself to losing his quarry, was savaging her horsehair petticoat into teeny, tiny shreds."Really, what did my poor petticoat do to offend?”

“His eyes were jet-colored circles of perpetual disapproval.”

“Isn't Bunson's training evil geniuses?""Yes, mostly.""Well, is that wise? Having a mess of seedling evil geniuses falling in love with you willy-nilly? What if they feel spurned?""Ah, but in the interim, think of the lovely gifts they can make you. Monique bragged that one of her boys made her silver and wood hair sticks as anti-supernatural weapons. With amethyst inlay. And another made her an exploding wicker chicken.""Goodness, what's that for?"Dimity pursed her lips. "Who doesn't want an exploding wicker chicken?”

“How have I never noticed she only required praise to find me acceptable? wondered Sophronia, not quite realizing that this, too, was a mark of her new education. Many was the lady whose belief in another's sound judgment was based solely upon that other judging her favorably.”

“It was not a very prepossessing accessory for all it's serviceability, being both outlandish in design and indifferent in shape. It was a drab slate gray color, with cream ruffle trim, and it had a shaft in the new ancient-Egyptian style that looked rather like an elongated pineapple. Despite it's many advanced attributes, Lady Maccon's most common application of the parasol was through brute force enacted directly upon the cranium of an opponent. It was a crude and perhaps undignified modus operandi to be certain but it had worked so well for her in the past that she was loathe to rely too heavily on any of the newfangled aspects of her parasol's character. ”

“Someone was trying to kill Lady Alexia Maccon. It was most inconvenient, as she was in a dreadful hurry. Given her previous familiarity with near-death experiences and their comparative frequency with regards to her good self, Alexia should probably have allowed extra time for such a predictable happenstance.”

“She was no closer to determining who might want her dead. There were just too many possibilities.”

“One should do what one is best at on as large a scale as possible.”

“The door was locked and Alexia, resourceful as she was, had not yet learned to pick locks. Though she mentally added it to her list of useful skills she needed to acquire along with hand-to-hand combat and the recipe for pesto. If her life were to continue on its present track which after 26 years of obscurity, now seemed to mainly involve people trying to kill her, it would appear that acquiring a less savory skill set might be necessary. Although she supposed pesto making ought to be termed 'more savory'.”

“The Earl of Woolsey was indeed completely nude. He did not seem particularly perturbed by this fact, but Miss Tarabotti felt the sudden need to close her eyes tight and think about asparagus or something equally mundane. Coiled about him as she was, her chin wedged over one of his massive shoulders, she was being forced to look down, directly at a nicely round, but embarrassing bare, moon. And not the kind that caused werewolves to change either. Although it did seem to be changing aspects of her own anatomy that she would rather not think about. It was all a very heady - or bottomy? -experience.”

“He dinna act like an Alpha.""He does in some areas.”

“What’s that?” she asked the girl, wrinkling her nose.“Oh, that? That’s just Pillover.”“And what’s a pillover, when it’s at home?”“My little brother.”“Ah, I commiserate. I have several of my own. Dashed inconvenient, brothers.”

“What the hell is that?" yelled Lord Maccon. He had turned to anger so swiftly; Alexia could only stare at him, speechless.She let out her pent-up breath in a whoosh. Her heart was beating a marathon somewhere in the region of her throat, her skin felt hot and stretched taut over her bones, and she was damp in places she was tolerably certain unmarried gentlewomen were not supposed to be damp in.Lord Maccon was glaring at her coffee-colored skin, discolored between the neck and shoulder region by an ugly purple mark, the size and shape of a man's teeth."that is a bite mark, my lord," she said.Lord Maccon was ever more enraged. "Who bit you?" he roared.Alexia tilted her head to one side in amazement. "You did." She was then treated to the spectacle of an Alpha werewolf looking downright hangdog."I did?"She raised both eyebrows at him."I did.”

“I Preserve the nonviable embryo in formaldehyde for future study. Lord Maccon has been drinking my samples. When confronted, he admitted to be enjoying both the refreshing beverage and the 'crunchy pickled snack' as well. I was not pleased" (Professor Lyall to Madame Lefoux)”

“It'll all end in tears and oil.”

“He ... boasted an unassuming mustache, which was perched atop his upper lip cautiously, as though it were slightly embarrassed to be there and would like to slide away and become a sideburn or something more fashionable.”

“Hail to the Victorious Parasol!”

“Lord Akeldama sighed. 'You lovebirds, how will I endure such flirtations constantly in my company? How déclassé, Lord Maccon, to love your own wife.”

“And I find perfect beauty excessively boring, don't you?”

“Alphas simply did not grovel; arrogance was part of the job description.”

“Mr. Haverbink bowed deeply, muscles rippling all up and down his back, and lumbered from the room. Miss Hisselpenny sighed and fluttered her fan. "Ah, for the countryside, what scenery there abides..., " quoth she. Miss Tarabotti giggled. "Ivy, what a positively wicked thing to say. Bravo.”

“Biffy said, off the cuff, "Or we could find a replacement queen.""Volunteering for the position?""Why, Professor, is that wittiness I detect?""Only for you.""Charmer." Biffy tapped him on the arm playfully.”

“Lyall had spent centuries nibbling about the great layered cake that was polite society while Lord Akeldama acted the part of the frosting on its top.”

“There are words to describe her, my dear, but one does not repeat them in polite company.”

“Not Alec Weebs? Never!” Biffy was appreciatively shocked.”

“Lady Maccon stopped suddenly. Her husband got four long strides ahead before he realized she had paused. She was starring thoughtfully up into the aether, twirling the deadly parasol about her head."I have just remembered something," Alexia said when he returned to her side."Oh, that explains everything. How foolish of me to think you could walk and remember at the same time.”

“I believe there is a considerable range in the bang of most guns.”

“AcknowledgementsWith grateful thanks to the three least-appreciated and hardest-working proselytizers of the written word: independent bookstores, librarians, and teachers.”

“I love him so very much. As Romeo did Jugurtha, as Pyramid did Thirsty, as-""Oh, please, no need to elaborate further," interjected Alexia, wincing."But what would my family SAY to such a union?""They would say that yours hats had leaked into your head," muttered Alexia, unheard under her breath.”

“She boasted the general battle-ax demeanor of an especially strict governess. This was the kind of woman who took her tea black, smoked cigars after midnight, played a mean game of cribbage, and kept a bevy of repulsive little dogs.Alexia liked her immediately.”

“Estaba intrigada en la vertiente más científica del término. ¿Podía ser que allí abajo las cosas hubiesen aumentado de tamaño aún más?¿Cuál era el máximo ratio de expansión posible? Sonrió, no sin cierta malicia.”

“Exhaló el aire con un sonoro suspiro. El corazón latía a ritmo de maratón en algún lugar de su cuello, tenía la piel caliente y tirante sobre los huesos y estaba empapada en zonas donde una señorita soltera de reputación inmaculada como ella no debería estarlo.”

“La cena empezó con un surtido variado de pequeñas ostras sobre hielo con crema de limón. La señorita Tarabotti, que siempre había sido de la opinión que las ostras crudas se parecían considerablemente al excremento nasal, aparto el plato de ofensivos moluscos y observó, refugiada bajo sus largas pestañas como él consumía no menos de doce.”

“Dio un bocado al Battenberg sin apenas apreciar su sabor, un insulto para el pobre pastel,”

“Lord Maccon fue listo y decidió poner su mejor cara de corderito degollado, si es que un hombre lobo era capaz de tal cosa.”

“La joven desapareció para regresar unos instantes después empujando un carrito de té cargado de delicias, desde sándwiches de pepino hasta piel de limón caramelizada, pepinillos en vinagre o Battenberg.La condesa sirvió el té. Alexia tomó el suyo con leche, la señorita Dair con limón y los vampiros con una cucharadita de sangre, aún caliente y servida en una delicada jarra de cristal.”

“El muy honorable señor Loontwill, terrateniente para más señas, no se molestó en apartar la mirada de la tostada y el huevo que agonizaban en su plato.”

“Entre las masas mal informadas podían contarse a los miembros de su familia, todos ellos especializados en el noble arte de la inoportunidad y la ausencia de inteligencia.”

“Extrajo un trozo de tela blanca doblada primorosamente de su chaleco y la sacudió hasta convertirla en una sábana de seda de grandes dimensiones. La capacidad de aquel hombre para almacenar los objetos más inverosímiles en tan escueta prenda era cuanto menos impresionante.”

“Alexia se puso en pie y Lord Maccon descubrió entonces el cojín sobre el que la joven había estado descansando, después de desmayarse estratégicamente sobre él.”

“La criatura se quedó inmóvil, con una intensa expresión de sorpresa dibujada en su bello rostro, y luego cayó de espaldas sobre la maltratada tarta de melaza, desplomándose con la flaccidez de un espárrago cocinado en exceso.”