George Carlin

“As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.”

“Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.”

“The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.”

“Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.”

“I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.”

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

“People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin.”

“Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.”

“He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”

“Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.”

“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

“So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”

“I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.”

“I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.”

“My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!”

“I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.”

“Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.”

“It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.”

“And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”

“It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.”

“I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.”

“Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.”

“You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.”

“I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.”

“A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.”

“I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.”

“I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”

“The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.”

“The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife--because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.”

“I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.”

“Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.”

“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.”

“She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.”

“The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.”

“In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.”

“The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.”

“I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.”

“Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.”

“There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.”

“I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.”

“Sports fans eat shit.”

“I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.”

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.”

“People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.”