Gordon Korman

“Amy, since when do you have a boyfriend?”

“If the cake fits, eat it!”

“Don't have to see," the pilot grunted. "Olga knows the way.""Funny name for an aircraft," Grace commented. "Is it after your wife?""My gun."Grace stared at him. "You named your plane after a gun?""It was a very good gun.”

“Come on, who saw what happened?""I did," I volenteered."Well?""Buttwipe wanted to know what jerkface was looking at." I turned turned eyes on the bloody and dirt-smeared brawlers. "You were barely 3-inches apart. Couldn't you see that you were both looking at each other?"The teacher's face reddened. "Who do you think you are? Jerry Seinfeld?""You must be confused with another student," I told him. "My name is Capricorn Anderson.”

“We didn't stow away!" Dan protested. "You sunk our boat and pulled us out of the canal!""Good point," Ian agreed. "Return them to the canal. Roughly, please.”

“For someone who'e smarter than a supercomputer, sometimes you're a real idiot.”

“Dan, this is crazy!" Amy quavered. "You can't drive a boat!""Say's who? It's no different from Xbox!"Wham! The port-side rubber bumper at the launch's bow slammed into the end of an ancient cobblestone wharf. The small craft spun like a top, pitching Amy to the deck. Only an iron grip on the wheel saved Dan from a similar spill.He hung on for dear life. "Okay, scratch Xbox–think bumper cars! I rock at those! Remember the carnival?”

“Slime him, sis," Dan urged, "Make him a redcoat.”

“Amy turned to Nellie. "Can you create a diversion to draw the clerk outside?"The au pair was wary. "What kind of diversion?""You could pretend to be lost," Dan proposed. "The guy comes out to give you directions, and we slip inside.""That's the most sexist idea I've ever heard," Nellie said harshly. "I'm female, so I have to be clueless. He's male, so he's got a great sense of direction.""Maybe you're from out of town," Dan suggested. "Wait–you are from out of town."Nellie stashed their bags under a bench and set Saladin on the seat with a stern "You're the watchcat. Anybody touches those bags, unleash your inner tiger."The Egyptian Mau surveyed the street uncertainly. "Mrrp." Nellie sighed. "Lucky for us there's no one around. Okay, I'm going in there. Be ready."The clerk said something to her–probably May I help you? She smiled apologetically. "I don't speak Italian.""Ah–you are American." His accent was heavy, but he seemed eager to please. "I will assist you." He took in her black nail polish and nose ring. "Punk, perhaps, is your enjoyment?""More like a punk/reggae fusion," Nellie replied thoughtfully. "With a country feel. And operatic vocals."The clerk stared in perplexity.Nellie began to tour the aisles, pulling out CDs left and right. "Ah–Artic Monkeys–that's what I'm talking about. And some Bad Brains–from the eighties. Foo Fighters–I'll need a couple from those guys. And don't forget Linkin Park..."He watched in awe as she stacked up an enormous armload of music. "There," she finished, slapping Frank Zappa's Greatest Hits on top of the pile. "That should do for a start.""You are a music lover," said the wide-eyed cashier."No, I'm a kleptomaniac." And she dashed out the door.”

“Nellie's brow furrowed. "The great Mr. Hip-Hop Mogul standing in line with the common peasants? How do you figure that?"Dan grinned. "I'm starting to dig this 'no cars' thing. It's a great equalizer.”

“Nellie grinned. "I always wanted to go to Venice. It's supposed to be the romance capital of the world.""Sweet," put in Dan. "Too bad your date is an Egyptian Mau on a hunger strike."The au pair sighed. "Better than an eleven-year-old with a big mouth.”

“The au pair was bug-eyed. "What happened back there?""It's not our fault!" Dan babbled. "Those guys are crazy! They're like mini-Darth Vaders without the mask!""They're Benedictine monks!" Nellie exclaimed. "They're men of peace! Most of them are under vows of silence!""Yeah, well, not anymore," Dan told her. "They cursed us out pretty good. I don't know the language, but some things you don't have to translate.”

“Nobody got me out," Nellie replied. "They just let me go. They think I'm a deranged Jonah Wizard fan. Apparently, the hotel's full of them. A couple of idiots actually jumped off the front balcony. Can you picture that?""In Technicolor," Amy said bitterly."That low-down KGB reject!" Dan fumed. "I can't believe she cheated me–right when I was in the middle of cheating her!”

“Sugar maple!" Mary-Todd Holt knelt over her husband. "Are you all right?"Eisenhower sat up, and egg-size lump blooming on his crown. "Of course I'm all right!" he managed, his words slurred. "You think a little insect can stop me?"Reagan was unconvinced. "I don't know, Dad. She brained you with a baseball bat!""Hockey stick," Dan corrected."Those could be your last words, brat–”

“You don't get Billie Joe Armstrong's autograph on your forehead without following your instincts.”

“The Bombyx mori caterpillar," her brother supplied, thinking of snack time at the Shaolin Temple. "It tastes like chicken.”

“In our family, you don't get a childhood. We're too busy trying to dominate the world.”

“Why can't you just lie and cheat like the others?" Dan snapped. "Can't you just see that's better than being nice one minute and then turning around and selling us out? It may be very Cahill, but it stinks! Grace had a saying: Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, I'll conk you with this pet carrier!”

“Oh, no-" They weren't even on the runway, and Jonah's father was already immersed in his BlackBerry. "Remember those 'Live Large with the Wiz Generation' posters? Well, guess how that translates into Chinese- 'Jonah Wizard Makes Your Ancestors Fat'.”

“I hate France. It's like the whole country's on a diet”

“He watched in awe as she stacked up an enormous armload of music. "There," she finished, slapping Frank Zappa's Greatest Hits on top of the pile. "That should do for a start." "You are a music lover," said the wide-eyed cashier. "No, I'm a kleptomaniac." And she dashed out the door. He was so utterly shocked that it took him a moment to run after her. With a meaningful nod in the direction of the astounded Cahills, she barreled down the cobblestone street with her load. "Fermati!" shouted the cashier, scrambling in breathless pursuit. Nellie let a few CDs drop and watched with satisfaction over her shoulder as the clerk stopped to pick them up. The trick would be to keep the chase going just long enough for Amy and Dan to search Disco Volante. Yikes, she reflected suddenly, I'm starting to think like a Cahill.... And if she was nuts enough to hang around this family, it was only going to get worse.”

“You know what punk is? a bunch of no-talent guys who really, really want to be in a band. Nobody reads music, nobody plays the mandolin, and you're too dumb to write songs about mythology or Middle-earth. So what's your style? Three chords, cranked out fast and loud and distorted because your instruments are crap and you can't play them worth a damn. And you scream your lungs out to cover up the fact that you can't sing. It should suck, but here's the thing - it doesn't. Rock and roll can be so full of itself, but not this. It's simple and angry and raw.”

“According to the mate, there were three main jobs that needed to be done to ensure their survival.”

“But here, two thousand miles from home, there was a real shipwreck, a real hope. A choice big enough to change our lives forever.”

“What did Romeo and Juliet do?”They died,” I remind her gently. “Some mix-up with the poison-”

“When we lock things away," he said with conviction, "we're really imprisoning ourselves.”

“Ask me. I'm a cow expert.”

“Be the Ambulance. Make toast.”