Gordon Vivace

“On Chicken Parmesan: It was all downhill from there. Eventually, the boneless chicken breast replaced the chicken breast as America’s favorite tasteless meat product, and then boneless skinless chicken breast, and somewhere in between the birth of my ultimate nemesis: The Chicken Patty. How things went quite so far downhill that the patty found its way into ANY Italian food is beyond me, but I can assure you this dish isn’t what anyone back in Italy had in mind when they sent Vito through Ellis Island with an eggplant recipe.”

“Whatever your methods, your point about drugs must be made. If you’re lucky enough to have a heroin addict in your extended family, you can always park him at the threshold of your child’s bedroom door for a few hours right before bed time. It’s much more effective than those car crash docudramas that are supposed to keep kids from drinking and driving, and it’s free; unless you have to buy the heroin to get the guy to do it. It’s a tough love kind of solution, but I got over it and so will your kid.”