Groucho Marx

“Any place I hang my head is home.”

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.”

“If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.”

“Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!”

“If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.”

“No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.”

“The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?”

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”

“She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.”

“I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.”

“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”

“Hello, I must be going.”

“The only real laughter comes from despair.”

“Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar"Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change."Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.”

“I must admit, I was born at an early age. ”

“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”

“Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.”

“My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.”

“Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.”

“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”

“Time wounds all heels.”

“Boogey boogey boogey”

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

“Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.”

“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”

“That's bad luck: three on a midget.”

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.”

“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”

“I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.”

“Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while”

“Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

“Whatever it is, I'm against it.”

“I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.”

“Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”

“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”

“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”

“A man is only as old as the woman he feels.”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.”

“I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.”

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

“We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.”

“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”

“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”

“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”

“The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.”

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”