Harvard Lampoon

“I was so attracted to him I could have peed myself right there on the spot, but I hadn't done anything like that in a while. I was older now, and harnessed my feelings in moments like these by opening and closing my fists very rapidly.”

“The two things I look for in a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he's a vampire. Pretty much all my crushes have been one or the other. One guy, actually, was both big and a vampire, but he turned out to be gay.”

“I'll have AB positive', I told Josh when he returned from the dance floor, 'What's it made of? Apples and Bananas?'-Belle Goose”

“Germs contagious, contagious alert!But Edwart and Purell are stronger than dirt!”

“He made small talk on the way about how he was abandoned as a child and will only rest easy once he is avenged. His name was Tom.”

“I typed in a single word: Vampre. Google asked, 'Did you mean vampire?' I said, 'Yes.”

“I had to admit, I did look stunning for a caterpillar's pupal casing. Lucy and Laura would say I looked more "hAwWt and jUiCaYyY ;)" but I think that "stunning" was a much better word. I had recently come into the possession of a Thesaurus. You would not believe how many words there are! When I opened that book, I was like, whoa! Word party!”

“Muurp," muurped Edwart.”

“About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him -- which I assumed was wildly out of his control -- that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he has kissed me.”

“So, Belle, what's new today?"Dad," I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. "I'm in the deepest love that has ever occurred in the history of the world."Gosh, Belle. When someone asks you 'What's new?' the correct answer is 'Not much'. Besides, isn't it a little soon to cut yourself off from the rest of your peers, depending on a boyfriend to satisfy your social needs as opposed to making friends? Imagine what would happen if something forced that boy to leave! I'm imagining pages and pages would happen - with nothing but the names of the months on them.”

“Businesses may come and go, but religion will last forever, for in no other endeavor does the consumer blame himself for product failure.”

“You're lucky I was on that roof all day. That old man... he was trying to sell you a Sega product.”

“We began to butterfly kiss, which is when you touch your eyelashes to the other person's skin. I was going to respect Edwart's desire to wait, and he was going to respect my desire for winged creatures.”

“Suddenly I blurted out. "I love you more than everything in the entire galaxy combined into one potent, delicious piece of gum!”

“And don't trouble yourself too much if you don't laugh at what you are about to read, for if you perk up your pink little ear, you may hear the silvery tinkling of merriment in the air, far, far away . . . . It's us, buster. Ching!”