Ilona Andrews

“I had the metabolism of a hummingbird on crack.”

“If I lose control, you'll be the first to know.""I'm quite perturbed by the idea.”

“I'm a substitute mom.""You're more like a crazy aunt who only gets called when somebody needs bailing out of jail.”

“I think I've been rather reasonable about this whole situation.""How do you figure?""They are still breathing, aren't they?”

“Need some help, Ass Kicker?”

“He gave an impression of coiled power, a contained violence that if released, would explode with terrifying intensity.”

“First rule of bodyguard detail: know where your 'body' is at all times.”

“And just when I thought the pain had dulled, my mind would betray me and bring Dad back to life in my dreams. Sometimes I didn't realize that he was dead until I awoke and then it was like a punch in the stomach. And sometimes I knew in my dream that I was dreaming, and I woke up crying.”

“I did deranged quite well, when the occasion called for it.”

“If he full-out flexed, I would probably faint, or jump off the building.”

“The sight of me puffing and straining apparently amused him to no end.”

“Wanna spot me?""No thanks. How about I just scream verbal encouragements at you?”

“You're not going to die?""Not right this minute." And of course, saying something like that usually resulted in immediate dying. I braced myself for a stray meteorite falling through the roof to crush my skull.”

“Now climb, young grasshopper, so your Kung Fu won't be weak.”

“Shave that jaw, brush that hair, tone down the crazy in the eyes, and he would have to fight women off with that crossbow.”

“The kind of eyes that jumped from a woman's dreams right into her morning and made trouble in the marriage bed.”

“Just to make sure the odd humanoid aberration doesn't get away, always pin it through the nuts.”

“Now was not a good time, but we didn't often get to chose the time to repay our debts.”

“If my luck held, it wouldn't be a handsome Greek demigod looking for the love of his life or at least his love of a couple of hours.”

“We were screwed and he didn't even kiss us first.”

“What would I do without the moral compass of a teenage werewolf?”

“On the plus side, if he ever had to fight through a roomful of adolescent girls, he only needed to blink (his velvet brown eyes framed in embarassingly long lashes) a few times, and they would all faint.”

“The Order of Merciful Aid provided merciful aid, usually on the edge of a blade or the burn of a bullet.”

“On a scale from one to ten, the Pack was eleven and everything else a one.”

“And then what?""I'll burn that bridge when I cross it.”

“I sat at a table in my shadowy kitchen, staring down a bottle of Boone's FarmHard Lemonade, when a magic fluctuation hit. My wards shivered and died, leaving my home stripped of its defenses. The TV flared into life, unnaturally loud in the empty house.I raised my eyebrow at the bottle and bet it that another urgent bulletin was on.The bottle lost."Urgent bulletin!" Margaret Chang announced. "The Attorney General advises all citizens that any attempt at summoning or other activities resulting in the appearance of a supernaturally powerful being can be hazardous to yourself and to other citizens.""No shit," I told the bottle.”

“Please, Kate. Suspend your dislike of me for a few moments and listen to what I have to say. It makes sense.""I don't dislike you. It's an oversimplification.”

“In diplomacy, like in great many other things, the rules of engagement survive only until one remarkable person decides to break them.”

“Are you out of your mind?" It's not polite to lie to your best friend. "It's a possibility.”

“The vampire stared at me, his mouth slack as Ghastek assessed his options. I took a couple of forms from my desk, put them into the vamp's mouth, and pulled them up by their edges."What are you doing?" Ghastek asked."My hole puncher broke.""You have no respect for the undead.”

“Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut.”

“Very well." He sat cross-legged on the floor of the cage. "You haven't run off so you want to talk. I will hear your explanation now.""Really, Your Majesty? So good of you to condescend. I'll try to use small words and go slow.""You're wasting my time. I know Jim betrayed me and you're covering for him. This is your chance to dazzle me wih your brillance or baffle me with your bullshit. You won't get another. When I get out, I won't be in the mood to listen.”

“Saiman picked up a coffee mug, stared at it, and hurled it against the wall. It shattered into a dozen pieces. We looked at him. “Your date appears to be hysterical,” Rene told me. “You think I should slap some man into him?"Saiman stared at me, speechless. I had to give it to Rene—she didn't laugh. But she really wanted to.”

“You look like Curran. You have that pissy exasperated look on your face.”

“Amy," Elsie Moore said in her crackling voice, her gaze fixed on Declan. "I want you to get me a new bear. A blond one.”

“How was I supposed to know that you let two little bears hurt you, Goldilocks?""Ah, yes, that mouth. I missed it. All mine now.”

“Your headlights don't scare me.”

“Was his body made out of orange rocks and did he at any point yell 'It's clobbering time'?""I find your attempt at levity inappropriate.""Consider me properly chastised.”

“Lyc-V is a jealous virus. It exterminates all other invaders with extreme prejudice.”

“You should name him Fezzik.""Inconceivable.”

“Syphilis. Lots and lots of magically delicious Syphilis.”

“Roland had sworn off children—they kept trying to kill him.”

“I'm welding the bimbo room shut.”

“I know a man who is in love with my friend. He loves her absolutely. The only thing he wants in return is for her to love him.” Saiman arched his eyebrows, imitating me. “And?” "You’re the exact opposite of him. You lack the capacity to love, so you want to smother mine as well.”

“Andrea: "....I think a dog is a great idea. I just never pictured you with a mutant poodle.” Kate: “He isn’t a poodle. He’s a Doberman mix."Andrea: “Aha. Keep telling yourself that.”

“I can't give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you'd set it on fire.”

“Everybody has something, that one thing they must do to feel happy. I think this is yours, and I want you to be happy. You don’t have to do it, but it’s here if you choose to come back to it.”

“you might want to decide fast. We live in a dangerous world. If you see a chance to be happy, you have to fight for it, so later you have no regrets.”

“You don’t return your phone calls.” The vampire leaned forward, tapping my doodle with a scimitar claw. “Is that a lion with horns and a pitchfork?”“Yep.”“Is he carrying the moon on his pitchfork?”“No, it’s a pie. What can I do for Atlanta’s premier Master of the Dead?”

“Is that a lion with horns and a pitchfork?""Yep.""Is he carrying the moon on his pitchfork?""Nope it's a pie.”