J.A. Saare

“Stop a knife? You're serious.""As a heart attack.""You are something else."I couldn't tell if he was giving me a compliment or a veiled insult. "I try to be an individual. It's all the rage.”

“Stalking isn't cool unless you're an Edward.”

“Stalking ins't cool unless you're an Edward.”

“My mind was no longer functioning on a rational level. For fuck's sake, who needed rational when they boarded a train to insanity? All that was missing were the Oompa Loompas and Willy-fucking-Wonka.”

“Thank you, Dr. Phil, for that fine psychological assessment," I snapped and motioned my chin to Disco. "Why don't you and Oprah here go take a long walk off a short plank and do the world a favor?”

“Rhiannon's Law #63: Fake it until you make it. You might not know what the fuck you're doing, but that doesn't mean everyone else is aware of your inaptitude. When in doubt, hold your head high and pretend you have a clue.”

“Come with me," he said quietly and extended his hand."Nuh-uh." I shook my head, scooting in the opposite direction . "I don't think so, All American Hero.”

“Rhiannon's Law #22. You can't lie to yourself, so don't bother trying. Doing so only multiplies your douchebag level to the umpteenth power and confirms what others have been saying for years - that you are an idiot.”

“Rhiannon's Law #68: If you're going to fly by the seat of your pants, rock out with your cock out. The landing is going to hurt either way, and you might as well make an impression when you nail it.”

“Rhiannon's Law #37: Don't get so high and mighty, God will only reward that arrogance with a huge bitch slap back to reality.”

“You have a lot to answer for, love. I can't decide if I want to take you to my bed and bust that perfect ass of yours or rip off your clothing and take you here and now against the wall.”

“Rhiannon's Law #14: There is a reason the truth hurts. When you cease to feel the sting, it means you've stopped caring. And damn, wouldn't that be a total fucking waste?”

“Fuck with the bull, assholes, and get the horns.”

“Who needs immortal strength when you've got weapons of mass destruction?”

“The satisfying sound of bone giving way, as well as his outraged cry, made the you-had-it-coming-asshole angles sing.”

“The feature article made my holy-shit-o-meter blare like a banshee”

“Allow yourself to fall. I’ll catch you.”

“If her death taught me anything, it’s this. Cherish the time you have. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Right now is all we are promised.”

“Whereas I could conform to an emo crowd easily enough, pretending to matriculate from upper crust asshats was too surreal. Goose insisted my stellar attitude and superb language skills had to be put on hold while we were inside the building, which meant to had to keep my big fat cow shut. It was the equivalent of asking a little girl not to scream the first time she was personally introduced to Hannah Montana.”

“Multitask? What do I look like, a fucking secretary?” My temper flared before I could bite it back. Erica wasn’t the only one with a big mouth. I was constantly in danger of writing checks my ass couldn’t cash, the bearer of a lifelong disease of potty mouth that no amount of soap in this world could properly cleanse.”

“Stripping is not a fair or unbiased career field. Your body and looks are your livelihood. Once those two things go, it’s only a matter of time before you punch your last T and A ticket – and Erica’s stub was wilting faster than a golden wrapped candy bar that would gain her admittance into the chocolate factory.”

“Our bodies are stronger and faster, but our hearts are just as fragile, remember that.”

“Rule number one that all girls must learn. If you’re told to lie down on the floor during a robbery or tostep inside a waiting car during a kidnapping, you’re not doing yourself any favors by cooperating. You’reessentially handing the bastards a loaded gun and giving them express permission to shoot you in the head.”

“It was the equivalent of asking a little girl not to scream the first time she was personally introduced toHannah Montana.”

“Well, well, well. Tickle my Elmo ass silly.”

“It took years of trial and error to blossom into the fine outstanding young woman you see before youtoday.”

“It is like a beautiful sunset you see once in your life, one you swear you will never forget as long as you live. And you never do forget, but you never have a reason to restore the memory—so it remains hidden inside. Until one day, for no apparent reason, you remember that sunset. You recall the way your skin felt as the sun brushed across it, the way the colors painted the sky. You wonder why it took you so long to go back to that place again, swearing you won't take so long next time. Only you do forget the memory and you may or may not ever relive it again.”

“Just because I’m on the lookout for an ass kicking doesn’t mean I’m actively seeking one out. It’s called covering all your bases.”

“Listen,” I sighed and reached for my plastic bottle. “I want to get this sh!t over and done. Can we strive to obtain that goal? I have a meaningless existence, and I can’t put that kind of action on hold indefinitely”

“I arrived to work on the wrong foot. I was jumpy and agitated, constantly watching the doors. A loud fart would have sent me skyrocketing into orbit.”

“I can’t help it; this isn’t like you at all. I know the blood exchange changes things—including mood and body chemistry—but this is beyond any kind of scientific explanation.”

“You know.” My voice was laced with sarcasm. “I love being reminded of just how f*cked up people find my company. One minute, I’m asked to be more loving and sweet. In fact, someone once told me it was downright adorable. But when I actually give the public what they want, they think I’m suffering from a chemical imbalance.”

“Don’t tell me,” I snickered. “You’re in a club that gathers together like raving Trekkies to share secrets of the afterlife. I bet you even have an Enigma CD you crank up to get in the mood.” “Don’t be silly.” His face lit up with an enormous grin. “We listen to Enya, not Enigma.”

“And you don’t want to be involved with my people, Max. They’re the type to bleed you dry and leave your corpse to rot. When the reckoning comes”—I lifted my hand and made an arch, pointing across the room—”you’ll want to be way the f*ck over there. Do you feel me?”

“I nodded in approval, turned around and opened the door, and stepped into the hall. I walked past the receptionist, smiling at her shocked face when she told me in a superficial voice to have a nice day, and I gave her a parting gift—my middle finger.”

“If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth”

“Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.”