James Goss

“But Amy Pond. Oh! The Sea had briefly been able to touch her mind — it knew that the Doctor was the most important thing in the world to her, and it had given a copy of him to her. If they spent enough time together, the copy would become every bit as good as the real Doctor. It stood there now, wheeling her down to the beach, one hand resting lightly on her shoulders, drawing all it could from her.”

“Well, I just get as close as I can to a happy ending, then I shut the door behind me and move on.”

“He was... wearing a tasselled velvet nightcap that I [Amy] noticed the Doctor eyeing up. If Boris didn't watch out, that'd go missing and we'd never hear the end of 'Nightcaps are cool.”

“How are you, Rory?' [the Doctor] asked.I [Rory]... answered him. 'It's been odd being you.''Isn't it?' The Doctor's smile didn't quite reach his eyes.'How do you cope?''Ah...' The Doctor picked away at a scrap of loose paint on the door. 'Well, I just get as close as I can to a happy ending, then I shut the door behind me and move on.'I nodded.We shut the door behind us and moved on.”

“Maria looked at the TARDIS... 'Is that really your carriage?' She asked. 'It is not very good, monsieur. It has no wheels.''It doesn't need them,' laughed Amy. 'It's an English carriage. They don't have wheels.'Does Monsieur Rory push it?''When necessary,' laughed Amy.”

“Really, awfully, terribly, I had a sudden attack of hiccups. I was staring at the Doctor, murderously angry with him. And hiccuping...'That's it. I'm going down there. I'm offering myself to them instead. If you're too much of a coward.'The Doctor winced at that last word.I hiccuped again.'Amy Pond,' he said. 'Try holding your breath.''I will not hold my breath! This is important! Rory is having his mind vacuumed and we're just standing here-''Hiccuping.''Yes.'We stood, glaring at each other. I hiccuped again.'Seriously,' said the Doctor, patiently. 'I know it's not the best time, but really, try holding your breath.'I stood there. Hiccuping and scowling at him.”

“He [the Doctor] groaned. 'Why does it always have to be me?''Mr Rory is ill. You're the next best thing,' I [Maria] said simply.'Thank you,' he muttered. He didn't sound very pleased at all at that.”

“You see, there's a drill:1. I [Amy] will say 'Right then, let's go and rescue him [Rory].'2. The Doctor will say 'Ah yes, but...'3. And then he'll list the fourteen things that we have to do before we resuce Rory4. And why they're all more important than rescuing Rory5. The list normally includes wounded puppies6. An exploding bus full of grannies7. You know what I mean8. So we'll go and do those instead9. Cos they're all so important10. And Rory has to come last.”

“Maria?... She's been writing all this down? Oh, bless her...' He leafed on through the pile. 'Although that's not how that happened... and no, she's wrong, bowties are cool.”

“I know what you must think of me,' [the Doctor] said, his voice so slow. It was like a voice designed for laughing that didn't get to do it often. 'I'm going to tell you a story about a man who travels, and everywhere he goes, he makes everyone's lives better. I'm not that man. That man doesn't exist. I wish he did.' He smiled. 'I'd believe in him.”

“The Doctor puffed out some air and looked down to the sea. 'A very charming man. I should be more careful of very charming men... At least I don't have that problem with you, Rory.''Oi,' said Rory.”

“Now... Just run.' [said the Doctor.]One of the things you learn very quickly around the Doctor is never to question him when he says that word. You just run. It's almost like breathing.”

“Rory, Rory, Rory - was it your idea to get The Sea to cure me?' [said the Doctor.]'Yes,' said Rory, smiling.'That was brilliant.' The Doctor beamed, then his face fell. '-ly awful.”

“Now here's Amy Pond, standing in the freezing ocean, holding the body of her imaginary friend, and shouting at the sea to make him better.Yeah. If only my therapists could see me now.”

“I love you,' cooed Fake Amy. 'You dance so much better than the Doctor.''Silly.' Real Amy nudged her in the ribs. 'Hippos dance better than the Doctor.”

“So... Boris. Are you evil?' [said the Doctor].'Not at all, my dear sir,' chuckled Boris.'You just chuckled,' groaned the Doctor. 'Chuckling's a dead givaway in my books. Along with putting your hands on your hips and snogging another man's wife.”

“I've lost the TARDIS as well.'I [Amy] was outraged. Considering my husband was dying and we were stranded in the past, the Doctor seemed fairly calm about things. 'Someone's nicked it!''Not so much, no.' The Doctor looked awkward. 'There's a mechanism... thingy. If the TARDIS senses a threat it removes itself from the scene. First sign of danger, it goes and hides behind the curtains.''Whose genius idea was that?'The Doctor swallowed, embarrassed. He claims to be the last of the most advanced race in the universe. Sometimes, I'm just not convinced.”

“Don't get me started on the whole Doctor-Amy-Rory thing. It's kind of like... I dunno. Suppose you'd always fancied Ryan Reynolds. That's fine, yeah. You meet someone else, who is maybe not Ryan Reynolds, but perhaps he's got the same goofy smile. And you think, 'Yeah, that's it, I'm happy.' Then Ryan Reynolds himself roars up in a camper van and says 'Hey guys! Let's all go on a road trip. Bring the boyfriend! It'll be fun.' Only Ryan Reynolds doesn't save the universe. Well, not at weekends.So I guess that's my life. Crammed in a camper van, sneaking the odd glance at Ryan, squeezing the hand of my lovely husband...”

“Well, what do you want me to say?' The Doctor was so angry he was almost hovering. 'Well done on marrying the only male nurse not to have a full set of Barbara Streisand records? Why did you pick him, anyway? Were there no flight attendants in your village?''Only Jeff,' [Amy replied].'Ah.'...'I picked Rory, always Rory, because he is just like you,' I [Amy] yelled at him. 'He is sweet and understanding and funny and he always tries to do the right thing. Plus you both run the same way.''We do not.''Do so.”

“Rory's not my pet dog!' I [Amy] yelled at the Doctor.'Well, that would be better.' He was truly angry. 'Dogs I can live with.' He paused, suddenly hopeful. 'Quite sure you're not a cat person?''This isn't getting him back,' I said.He pulled a face. 'Who said I wanted him back? I was just suggesting a few alternatives. Nice little ginger tom. Have to get it neutered, of course.' He smiled winningly. 'I'd let you name him.''We'll find Rory.' I was firm. 'And then neuter him.”

“At the moment, it's simply a difference of opinon between the Doctor and you.. You both want the best. You've only tried to kill him a couple of times... I mean, don't worry about that. I've seen people do much worse to him and at the end of the day he'll take them out for pizza. He's very forgiving. The Doctor is brilliant,' [said Rory]”

“Which brings me to you, Prince Boris. And I'm sorry, but here's the thing... I think you're one of the nicest Russian aristocrats I've ever met and not been forced into an arranged marriage with,' [said the Doctor]”

“The Doctor. He grabbed hold of Rory's ankle, dragging him protesting out from under the table. 'Rory!' he grinned, wrapping him in an enourmous bear hug that squeezed the breath out of him. 'I've been you!''Right,' mumbled Rory.'You've had a gorgeous time, I bet.''Not... especially, no.'The Doctor stepped back, his eyes were wide and dancing. 'Did you escape from any monsters? Did you set anything on fire? I'm always doing that. Honestly, one minute it's Tell Me Your Plans, the next it's BOOOM! My insurance premiums are terrible... Anyhow, you're all back to normal, yes?''Yes.' Rory was ever so tight-lipped.The Doctor nudged him with his elbow. 'Go on then. What was it like being me? Wasn't it just a bit brilliant? Did it open up your tiny mind?'Rory looked a little ill. 'It's nice to be me, actually. I'm not a hero... And what was it like being me?' he asked.The Doctor tugged at his braces, embarrassed. 'Oh, don't apologize - I'm sure I'll get over it.”

“Don't worry, I'm shielding you. When we crashed here and it first attacked me, I was caught with my mental trousers down. Not anymore. Psychic force field's intact. Belts and braces. Braces, by the way, are very cool.”

“Rory stood up with some difficulty, the chair still tied to him. He leaned over me [Maria] and managed to pull my ropes free. Then he turned to Dr Bloom.'We're escaping,' he said. 'Goodbye.'Chair still tied to his back, he ran with me from the room. I take it all back. Rory is just wonderful.”

“[The Doctor] pulled the thing out of Prince Boris's mouth, waving it around. 'Oh. Blimey. This is not a spatula. What is it?'I [Amy] stared at the stubby thing. It looked like the world's chunkiest novelty gift pen... I coughed. 'That, Doctor, is the sonic screwdriver.''Ah,' Dr Smith boggled. 'Right. Is it? Oh dear.' Another pause. 'What does it do?''Well... it screws things... sonically. On a good day, we fight off monsters with it.''Monsters, eh?' Dr Smith nodded gravely and... pointed it at the doorway like a gun and said, hopefully, 'Pew! Pew! Pew!' He turned back to me. 'Like that?''Other way up,' I said gently.”

“Oh, and I [Amy] may also have told him that I quite fancied Dr Smith [The Doctor]. Which in the 1780s was probably punishable by stoning or corsets.”

“[Amy] pulled a face. 'Honestly, when you grow up you'll learn you may as well try herding cats as keeping men in one place,' she told me solemnly, which I vowed to remember.”

“It's Smith, actually.' Dr Smith smiled, bowing. 'I've remembered that my name is Smith. Almost definitely. Good old English name. Hopefully means 'noble valiant warriot' and not 'he who hits kittens with a hammer.' You'd be surprised the derivations of common surnames in the English countryside...”

“Something pretty bad's happening nearby in the space-time continuum.' the Doctor shouted over the noise. 'The TARDIS is a terrible rubbernecker - like a little old lady, she can't resist slowing down for a gawp at a car crash in the next lane. Bless.''This is not slowing down,' bellowed Rory.'Good point,' agreed the Doctor.”