James Lileks

“So Jane was getting married. Well, more power to her. In fact, let me tighten those straps. Any word from the governor on the pardon? No? All right, then, more power to her.”

“I still couldn't imagine that she was really, truly pregnant; maybe this was an hysterical pregnancy. But Sarah was never hysterical. Enthusiastic, yes, ironic on occasion. I couldn't imagine a doctor saying, "No, it's just an ironic pregnancy.”

“She was moving slowly, appearing to come no closer. Perhaps she was losing ground against the earth's rotation.”

“She was from the wrong side of the tracks no matter how you gerrymandered the town.”

“It wasn't that I was tired of life, really - just my own. Other people's lives seemed perfectly worthwhile, and only the logistical difficultly of assuming them and the likelihood of being caught kept me from concocting some sort of swap.”

“It's always something when you let other people in your world.”

“What's the deal with putting animal feet on tubs? It's like insisting that all pianos should have tails, or dinner tables should have scrotal sacs. One of the things we like about tubs is their immobility, their general disinclination to bolt out of the room, scramble down the stairs, and make for the woods in a blind feral panic.”

“In the early '70s, the nation was afflicted with incurable pattern viruses - small microbes that reproduced and multiplied from a single swatch left on a sofa, and soon covered an entire room.”

“Look. Folks. It's simple. If you have poor taste in decorating, don't go nuts in the entryway. Wait until your guests are inside before you spring something unusual on them.”

“If Mother had to be told not to shove the entire brick of Ivory up Junior's hindquarters, constipation is the least of his problems.”

“If you can pick the baby up without him squirting our of your hands like a bar of soap in the shower, he's not oiled up enough.”