Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“My dreams, they all look like the back of my eyelids.”
“I enjoy the small things in life. Like my penis.”
“I tried being 29, and it worked for about a year, but finally I just had to get rid of it.”
“Life seems so am/pm. But really it’s not as balanced as all that.”
“When someone insults me, I simply shut down. Then I open back up at 9 am the next morning.”
“I’ve wrestled an alligator before. It wasn’t alive, but I still pinned it down. I was trying to impress a woman, and I bet I did, because she went home with another man—but she was smiling, probably wishing he were me.”
“Should I masturbate before we meet up? I don’t want to be horny and thinking with my dick the whole time. I mean, it’s not like it’s a date. For Pete’s sake, it’s a job interview.”
“There were yogurt-colored clouds that afternoon, and I was there, blotting out your sun with a spoon.”
“I’m a lion in my environment. But take me out of my cage, and I’m a lamb.”
“My writing, it’s all I have. Well, aside from my health. And shelter, food, and clothing. Oh, and my cat.”
“I thought she was older than she was, and I thought she was younger than she was. She looked older, but she acted younger, so no matter what her age was, I was surprised by it.”
“I’ll wipe a booger on your wall, not only to say I was here, but also to say thanks for having me over.”
“I am the Wakeboard of Love, if you catch my drift.”
“On the card I wrote, “Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got it OK.”
“I’d use my shadow as a blanket, but it’s too cold. It’s a shame, because it’d fit snuggly over my body.”
“I am Vigalig the Destroyer. Except during the day, and then I am Gigalig the Giggler.”
“The Bible says man has sin nature, but do clones have sin nature?”
“When I think about my clone, random songs pop into my head. Songs like, “Happy Birthday.” Will he celebrate the same birthday as me? He’d better, because without me, there’d be nothing for him to celebrate.”
“I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a doctor.”
“A cake for all is not a celebration of one. Cupcakes are the ultimate birthday cake.”
“She told me to draw the curtains shut, so I grabbed my pencil and began to sketch.”
“Be prepared, but look unprepared. That way, your opponent thinks he doesn’t have to prepare to defeat you.”
“You should shoot. I should shoo.”
“I’m like a walking maze. Follow me.”
“Two hearts that beat as one, and they’re both mine. I’ve got them hooked up to a synchometer.”
“I could tell we were going to get along from the way he wiped his ass—on my tie.”
“If you have Microsoft Word, you can become a writer tonight. Just start typing!”
“A great gift would be a cheap pen, mounted on a wooden plaque, with the accompanying label that reads, “This is the pen that was first used to write down these words. This is history. This happened. Now, go write your own history. But use another pen, because this one’s not only super glued to the wood, but it’s out of ink.”
“I’ll make a name for myself, after I make a copy of myself. The key to a productive life is cloning.”
“Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need them. Women—I don’t have them, but I need them. All of them.”
“I like the way I look, but I don’t like the way my mirror presents me. It’s biased.”
“Her message was short: “Any kids?” So I wrote, “Sure. But it might take me a few tries to get you pregnant.”
“I belong to a secret order. We all have OCD, so you’d better believe we have order.”
“I watch silent movies on mute. But only for the dialogue.”
“I want more sleep. It won’t happen, but I can dream, right?”
“When you pay for security, it seems like you’re paying for nothing—and that’s the point. You’re paying so nothing happens. Safety is the absence of something.”
“The window of life is mirrored. And tinted. And shattered. And borrowed.”
“The situation is a coffee mug, and I’ve got a handle on it.”
“To live a sinless life is good, but if you live in a cave and positively influence nobody, you may not have harmed anyone, but since you added no value to life, are you really worthy?”
“For your birthday, I got you a box. Hooray! It’s empty, so you can fill it with whatever you want.”
“Who I am is unimportant. But who I am is very important. I’ll suppress my ego now, every occurring now, so I can achieve my maximum later.”
“Every mission needs ammunition, even if it’s not bullets, but fiery pep talks.”
“Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).”
“I don’t sleep naked, because that’s not proper beach etiquette.”
“I love body language, because I can speak it without talking, without listening, and while my back is turned.”
“The hardest part about finishing is starting.”
“Keys, they make it easier to get in and out of doors. So does invisibility.”
“We were engaged. Not to be married, but in combat. So same thing.”
“The question is not where am I, but who am I? Where I am: Inside the body of my clone.”
“The all-knowing yesterday is obsolete today.”