Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Reading—it’s the third best thing to do in bed.”
“I unwind with wine—or a few counter clockwise turns.”
“I don’t beat around the bush. Especially since I like my women clean shaven.”
“OK isn’t just all right—it’s also the abbreviation for the state above Texas.”
“Leadership. I separate myself from the pack at such a great distance that it may be said that I’m a leader—a leader of one with followers of none.”
“I like watching other people watching other people.”
“I practice karate moves when I think nobody is watching. It’s all part of being a real American badass, I guess. Chicks dig it. I mean they would, if they ever looked and caught me in a moment of awesomeness. ”
“I would like an extra tight vagina, in a to-go box please. Can I get it with extra gravy on top?”
“Yesterday I complained of chest pains. My cat scratched my nipples.”
“I conceal myself behind cynicism because it’s safe. Camouflage is more protective than body armor. Why do you think the Department of Defense contacted me to design a gun that shoots insults?”
“I knew it, but I knew you didn’t know I knew it, so I knew to not let you know I knew it by acting like I didn’t know it.”
“The ultimate gift is the gift of life. Please, accept this jug of semen as a present from me to you. And don’t worry about sharing—I’ve got another one for your mother.”
“I’m the Director of Redundancy. I’m also the Director. I make love like I make love, and that is why I am the Director of Redundancy.”
“We all wear uniforms, even if we’re conforming to unconformity. People who try so hard to look different end up looking the same as all the other people who try so hard to look different.”
“She gave me her bedroom eyes. I know because we were in the kitchen at the time. I hope we’re having pigs in a blanket. Yum!”
“Some people work in the medical field, others in the legal field, while I work in the green field. Except in winter, and then I work in the brown field.”
“I feel like my old self. Especially since I feel like I’m developing dementia.”
“The last time I went speed dating, I brought a radar gun. I got clocked at over 70 miles per hour.”
“Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?”
“I don’t need a hearing aid—I need a listening aid. And this aid, she’d better be pleasing to look at.”
“If a man’s a constant hand-shaker, he must be a politician or a crook—or both, if he is a politician.”
“When I have to be in two places at once, my mind at once decides twice which one place to be in.”
“Habits are patterns, and even the smallest ones tell a lot about who you are as a person.”
“I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always keep it classy.”
“Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just all part of not being famous.”
“Shit goes out, and dick goes in. This is the way of the prisoner.”
“My shoes were all muddy, so before I walked in my friend's house I sprinkled grass clippings all over my feet and said, “Excuse the mess—I just stepped in real estate.” While the value of my words wasn’t like 2007 prices, it was still worth enough for him to let me in without making me take off my shoes.”
“A good server knows how to be seen, yet remain invisible. I was a great server, and I achieved invisibility by never showing up for work. My boss ended up firing me, probably over petty jealousy.”
“However unfortunate you may feel, there are always those less fortunate than you. I’m not talking about the homeless—I’m talking about your clones. Think how insecure you’d feel if you knew you were nothing more than a derivative. And if you can imagine how you’d feel, you now know exactly how the other you would feel.”
“Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.”
“I’d rather fail to try than try and fail. But, then, I am a coward who votes with my wallet, which is always empty.”
“The crickets sounded like maybe in the trees. They were pretty loud to be so unsure of themselves.”
“I’d never own a Hooters, because while I may be the face of the franchise, people only ever look at the breasts. Makes me feel like a piece of meat—medium rare, with melted cheese on top.”
“When my now ex wife said she wanted a separation, I was horrified. So I said, “You want me to wear a condom?!”
“I want to create a cologne that smells like a whisper. It’ll be for all the secret admirers out there.”
“I have a secret secret admirer. Not only is her identity a secret—but so is the fact that she admires me. ”
“There are going to be a lot of eyes on this year's annual Blindfold Convention. People always want to watch what they can’t watch.”
“I need to call it a night. But only because I don’t know what else to call it. What’s in between evening and morning?”
“Do you find it erotic how my pants bulge in the crotch, where I keep my coffee cup?”
“If it’s invisible, I can’t remember if it’s there or not. And not only that, but I can’t even remember what it is.”
“I can’t afford to waste either my money or my time—but that doesn’t stop me from trying.”
“My body had some sort of reaction to my erection, and the only thing I could think to do was vigorously rub the affected area. By the look on their faces, I could tell the other people in the restaurant found my holistic technique horrifying, and they didn’t appreciate the grasp of the situation I held at that moment.”
“You’re already older than the last time I saw you, and I just saw you right before I blinked.”
“Of all the flowers from a rose to a carnation, I’d die for reincarnation.”
“If I weren’t married, and I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d ask that girl out. But what can I do? I’m an honorable guy.”
“I’ll put some ice in your coffee, to cover up the fact that it was already cold and old. I do this because my love for you is slightly warmer and newer.”
“I taught a college course called “Of Course!: Helping the Oblivious Realize the Obvious.” Nobody showed up to class, probably because the time and location weren’t obvious enough.”
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other acceptable answers are Dora J. Arod and Jarod Ora.”
“Hair grows out of moles, and for this reason I wish I had a row of moles above my upper lip. It’d be a molestache.”
“The most dangerous flower is one that grows on a grave. Everybody in its vicinity is dead. That’s why I hand-picked it for my mother-in-law.”