Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it’s everything a politician isn’t. ”
“A brick could be used as a laxative. You know, “Shit a brick.” ”
“A brick could be used for a calf muscle implant for a bodybuilder who wants a competitive edge. ”
“Brick could be the codename for Rick B. But why the need for secrecy? If I told you I’d have to blanket you. ”
“A brick could be used to keep warm, and a blanket could be used to build a house.”
“If you come by my place, you might see a wheelbarrow full of broken bricks. I broke them with my fist. I was practicing for your face. ”
“You can build with brick, and you can also destroy with a brick. ”
“A brick could be broken—shattered—and then given as a gift, a jigsaw puzzle. ”
“A brick could be cast in Samuel Jackson roles. It would be cheaper and more dramatic. ”
“The wall of silence that exists between us is as long as the Great Wall of China. And though it’s the same length, our wall is about two bricks quieter. ”
“Brick and Blanket could be the names of two characters in a screenplay full of witty dialogue like: Brick: Hello! Blanket: Hi! Brick: How are you? Blanket: Good. You? Brick: Good.”
“A brick could be pet, like a dog, and taught to shit in my neighbor's yard. ”
“A brick could be placed down on the first step on the path to enlightenment.”
“A blanket could be used to not only make promises, but fulfill them too. They're so soft and warm, how could they not be used in this manner? ”
“A blanket could be used in exciting medical advancements, curing everything from shivers to tonitrophobia. ”
“A brick could be used as a fashion accessory. Or an accessory to murder. I believe the phrase is, "If looks could kill.”
“A brick could be used in speech therapy, to cure a stutter. I mean look at me, I don't have a stutter. But to be fair, I never did have a stutter, so I can't be certain the presence of a brick had any positive effect at all. ”
“A brick could be used in place of a parachute, and a blanket could be used as a permanent wall of a house. In both cases, the skydiver and home dweller would ideally be a politician. ”
“Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity. ”
“A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip. ”
“A brick could be used like a used car salesman uses people. I know, because I used to sell cars. Well, technically I got fired precisely because I didn’t sell any cars. ”
“A brick could be used as a bowling ball. With how bad I bowl, a rectangle ball couldn’t possibly hurt my score, because in bowling you can’t get a lower score than zero”
“A brick could be used like ice cream. But hold up, hold up. Let me put a bowl under it before you start licking, or else you’ll drip brick all over my blanket. ”
“A brick could be used as a response when the cops ask you if you murdered your mother-in-law. Forget yes or no. Well, forget yes altogether, but use brick for every response except one: What object did you use to carry out the killing? ”
“Blankets could be used to stop exponential population growth. If we kept the people warm, maybe they wouldn’t try to heat themselves up through continual fornication. ”
“A brick could be used to communicate with the dead. I just spoke to Stalin, and he’s very pleased with the way America’s progressing, collectively, as a country. ”
“A brick could used to translate and transform long cuneiform texts into shorter tweets. Sure, just take the brick and smash the clay tablets, and each broken fragment should be roughly 140 characters.”
“As early as 1,000 BC, man had to wait nearly 3,000 years to talk to me. And my first words to the world right out of the womb were: “Love is timeless, but man is not. I think I’m early.” It’s true. I was a premature baby. I was born generations before my time.”
“Most of the time, I feel like Phelps. At least when I’m not winning Olympic gold medals, which is an all the time thing for me.”
“A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.”
“To the potluck I brought something I randomly found in my fridge. It was the source of the stink.”
“Governments are nothing more than elaborate Rube Goldberg apparatuses, operating with absurd inefficiency. Why walk ten steps when you can make it there in a hundred?”
“I’m 30% in love, and if I ever rise to 70%, then I’ll be 100% in love. But I’ll still be mathematically challenged.”
“Walk Like A Pine Tree Day occurs on Stand Still Day. Orafoura and I observe both—and we observe whatever else we may be standing next to.”
“I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but also to say thanks for having me over.”
“I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?”
“The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?”
“I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.”
“I loved her so much, but she vanished from my life. She didn’t just suddenly disappear, but she slowly began losing her opacity until eventually her transparency was 100%.”
“If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.”
“When I need to be in two places at once, make two decisions at once, that’s what clones are for.”
“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born on the exact day of my birthday. And I wasn’t even trying, though my mother did push me along a bit.”
“I'm going to wear my birthday suit, even though it barely fits in the middle when I get excited and it stretches out.”
“I used to date an older obese woman named Ten, but everyone just called her "X". Now I just call her ex X. She'll be XXXIV next month, and I think I'll get her an XXL sweatshirt for her birthday.”
“I'm sort of a girly guy in that I love cats, rainbows, sunsets, flowers, trees, and sex. But not sex with trees.”
“Every time I eat an English muffin I feel like I become more grammatically correct, more refined, more cultured, and an all-around gentleman.”
“When I'm in yoga class, and I'm in the Tree Pose, I always pretend I'm the Tree of Knowledge. To help further the fantasy I come to class with my yoga shorts stuffed with two apples.”
“The man with two plungers for hands never wipes his ass, but he also never clogs up a toilet either.”
“The reason we talk with the same part of the body we eat with is because if we tried to eat with our ears, and I have tried, then we would naturally have to have tongues in our ears. And most people, myself excluded, hate having tongues in their ears.”
“If I wanted to eat leftovers, I wouldn’t have taken a dump in the Tupperware.”