Jeff Dunham

“Shut up or i'll kill you by Achmed the dead tarries.”

“Achmed: Two Jews walk into a bar... Jeff: No no no no no Achmed: You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard.”

“Jose: Do not drop me senorJeff:i wont drop you,joseJose:then i be jose jalapeno on the floorPeanut:do a little tap dance and we got salsa!Jeff:Thats terrible!Peanut:not with the right chips its notJeff:stop it! im sorry josejose:its okayjeff: okayJose:ill kick his ass laterpeanut:i'll turn ur ass into guacamolejeff: stop it!peanut: i will stir u with ur own stick!jeff:stop it!peanut: this is the way we stir the guac stir the guac stir the guac. OLE!!”

“Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today?Peanut: Yes we had a great day!Jose: No we did not.Peanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: YesJose: No we did not have a good day.Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day!What?Jeff: Did you have a good day?Peanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: Shut upJeff: A good day?Peanut: YesJose: NoPeanut: Shut upJeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa.Peanut: I took him to the spa!Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer.Peanut: It's the same thing!!!”

“That afternoon I ordered an information packet.”

“Jeff-did you guys have a good day?Jose-no Jeff-whyJose-he got my stick jammed in the car doorJeff-what?did you say sorryJose- noJeff- why didn't you say sorryJose- cause he couldn't breathJeff-why couldn't he breathJose- cause he was laughing to hard”

“PENUT:and when you really think about its jef-f-f Dunham JEFF: F-FPENUT:your using an unneeded FJef-f-f Dun- Ham. com!!!!!Am i pissing you of-f-f????? Jef-f-f Dun Ham.com PENUT: you know the wierd thing is i am actually pissing him off!!!and he would like to kill meJEFF:no i wouldn'tPENUT:yesJEFF:noPENUT:assert you fellings Jef-f-f”

“Jeff: You know most people who've had near death experiances say they say a white light. What did you see?Akmed: I saw flying car parts!Jeff: What was the last thing that went through your mind?Akmed: My ass. But I saw a blue Prius! Is it true you have one of those? Did you know that if your driving down the highway in a Prius and you stick your hand out the window the car will turn?!”

“You're the other white meat!”

“Silence! I kill you!”

“Jeff: Are you married?Bubba J.: Yep.Jeff: Your wife pretty?Bubba J.: Ye... no!Jeff: What's the difference?Bubba J.: The light.”

“Peanut: Just last week I was lying in bed and I woke up sobbing 'I will never be happy until we return to SA-NA-TA-ANA!' And now we're here! Thank you for bringing me! ”

“Walter: Do you see this lovely young lady sitting right here in the front row? Do you see her? Do you see her?Jeff: Yeah.Walter: Oh well!”

“Jeff: You know, you don't have to do this.Walter: Yeah, I could get a real job.Jeff: What would you do?Walter: I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart.Walter: What the hell's so funny?Jeff: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?Walter: Oh.Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your shit and get out!Walter: Have a nice day!”

“Jeff: The drive from the valley?Peanut: Was bad as hell!Jeff: Traffic?Peanut: Sucked like hell!Jeff: Drivers?Peanut: Angry as hell!Jeff: And you?Peanut: Were scared as hell!Jeff: Parking?Peanut: Sucked more like hell!Jeff: So?Peanut: We're in hell! ”

“Jeff: There's a lot of history in this city...Peanut: Translated: Old. As. Shit. ”

“Look, I know I didn't finish school but that frickin' says 'Sa ntah ah nah!”

“Oh, so how did the marrige counsling go?Well let's just say after it was over there where two people who thought I was an ass. And i was paying both of 'um.”

“Peanut: Too much starbucks coffee, coffee, coffee!Jeff: You didn't have coffee before the show!Peanut: I admit it was crack.Jeff: You didn't do crackPeanut: Then you did! It feels like one of us did!Peanut: Don't you do crack?Jeff: No! I'VE NEVER DONE CRACK!Peanut: Alright. I admit Jeff does not abuse drugs. He's an alcoholic.”

“Achmed 'Two Jews walk into a bar'No no no no no' JeffYou don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard' Achmed"-Achmed the dead terrorist and Jeff”

“Peanut: Come here puppet boy... make your daddy talk!”

“jose jaliopinio on a stick" do you like bmw's (big mexican weman)”

“Jef-f, Dun-Ham, dot com!!”

“Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Knock, knock.Jeff Dunham: Who's there?Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Me, I kill you!”

“WHAT! WE CANT TALK AT THE SAME TIME! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk, WE CAN'T DO IT! Peanut. WHAT! You said my name wrong. No it's Jeff Dun-ham. No it's dunham, No dun-ham. No dunha. No you see it says dunham jeff dun-HAM. Actually if you look at it, it say jef f dunham .com ”

“So Achmed if you've been in my suitcase this entire time how have you been getting through security? Oh thats easy they open the suitcase and i say 'ello my name is lindey lohan!”