Jeff Kinney

“He got the crib, so for the first few months of my life I had to sleep in the top dresser drawer, which I'm pretty sure isn't even legal.”

“Back in those days it was just me swimming around in the dark, doing back flips and taking naps whenever I want.”

“I don't know what a guy needs to do to impress a girl these days.”

“I'm probably something like 95% chicken nugget”

“When you're used to having electricity and then all of a sudden it's taken away, you're basically just one step from being a wild animal.”

“I realised all the good ideas were taken before I was even born.”

“Be yourself and people will like you.”

“Chirag: Rowley, do you think I exist?Rowley: Nope! I can't even hear you or see you!”

“I got to give mom credit for how she handled it.She didn't try to pry and get all the details. All she said was that I should try to do "the right thing" because it's our choices that make us who we are. I figure that's pretty decent advice. But I'm still not 100% sure what I'm going to do tomorrow.”

“Because it's our choices that makes us who we are...”

“hope your birthday is hot hot hot”

“It's not easy to writing thank-you notes for the stuff you didn't want in the first place.”

“I've seen a lot of movies where a kid my age finds out he's got magical powers and then gets invited to go away to some special school. Well, if I've got an invitation coming, now would be the perfect time to get it”

“fish and visitors stink in 3 days.”

“I'm basically one of the best people I know.”

“I like turtles!!!!”

“So I've started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don't need Santa seeing me in my underwear.”

“I don't know if this makes me a bad person or whatever, but it's hard for me to get interested in other people's vacations.”

“Youre gonna grow up and marry some ice cream! Haha!”

“that if you don't read nobody does”

“See, when you're a little kid, nobody ever warns you that you've got an expiration date. One day you're hot stuff and the next day you're a dirt sandwich.”

“The best person I know is Myself.”

“There was this book Dad used to read to me every night called "The Giving Tree." It was a really good book, but the back of it had a picture of the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein.But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a pirate than a guy who should be writing books for kids.Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked me out, because one night after I got out of bed, Dad said: "IF YOU GET OUT OF BED AGAIN TONIGHT, YOU'LL PROBABLY RUN INTO SHEL SILVERSTEIN IN THE HALLWAY."That really did the trick, Ever since then, I STILL don't get out of bed at night, even if I really need to use the bathroom.”

“You can't expect everyone to have the same dedication as you.”

“You and your group of nerds fall into a pit and it's full of dynamite and you blow up. The End.”

“Greg starts a middle school and asks: Whyis "bullies" such a big PROBLEM? And sayspeople need to shave twice a day.”

“For the record, I think it should be illegal for a boy to have to fold his mother's underwear.”

“Holly is the fourth-prettiest girl in the class, but the top 3 all have boyfriends. So a lot of guys like me are doing everything they can to get in good with her.”

“Well, the problem is, it's not easy for me to think of ways to improve myself, because I'm pretty much one of the best people I know.”

“Dear Aunt Loretta,Thank you so much for the awesome pants! How did you know I wanted that for Christmas?I love the way the pants look on my legs!All my friends will be so jealous that I have my very own pants. Thank you for making this the best Christmas ever!Sincerely, Greg”

“But the thing I’m finding out is some people don’t really appreciate it when you’r trying to be helpful.”

“YO MOMMA”

“Then one day, this kid named Darren Walsh touched the Cheese with his finger, and that's what started this thing called the Cheese Touch. It's basically like the Cooties. If you get the Cheese Touch, you're stuck with it until you pass it on to someone else. The only way to protect yourself from the Cheese Touch is to cross your fingers.”

“I didn't really know what to expect from detention but when I waked into the room, the first thought I had was, I don't belong in here with these future criminals.”

“If there's one thing I learned from Rodrick, it's to set people's expectations real low so you end up surprising them by practically doing nothing at all.”

“So if you want to find somebody to blame for the way i am, I guess you'd have to start with the public education system.”

“I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end.”

“hot pink looks cute on only janet which is MEEEEEEE!!!”

“First of all, let me get this straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a diary. I know what it says on the cover, but when Mom went out to buy this thing I SPECIFICALLY told her to get one that didn't say 'diary' on it.”

“Zoo-Wee Mama!”

“I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons." - Greg Heffley,”

“Loded Diaper”

“Monkeys can't talk, stupid!”