Jennifer Rardin

“Are you suggesting we pull a little good cop, bad cop scenario on him? And You're even letting me be the bad cop?"He bowed his head. "That, my pretera, is how much I love you.""You have never been sexier than at this very moment.""It is a shame we have so much company," he agreed quietly.”

“Jumping up and down is definitely sexy," Vayl assured me. "Would you like to do it two or three times right now before we get down to business?"Sterling and Cole groaned at the same time "Ewww!”

“Still enmeshed from the knees down, Vayl flopped off the cabinet before we realized he needed a hand down, falling fast and hard like a penguin who hasn't bought the whole flightless scenario.”

“They hired us over the Internet, mailed us half the cash and promised the other half after we nailed the vampire."I lowered Grief until it pointed straight at Rudy's crotch. "You two wouldn't recognize the Internet if a server fell on your heads. So give it to me straight this time, Rudy, before I lose my temper and make sure Junior grows up an only child.”

“It must've been Albert's military background, because man, when he dropped a bomb the entire country shook. I was still jittery as a hurricane survivor in New Orleans, and I was sure that somewhere in Alaska some poor Inuit had just taken a tumble from his sled for the very same reason.”

“I’d smack you over the head with it so hard your bell would still be ringing for Church next Saturday night. ~ Jaz”

“The girl in me wanted to slap Lung across his face and yell, "Get your eyes off my sticky buns, ya creep!”

“Now he looked at the classic parked on the street and admitted, “I bought it soon after we met. I… had hoped someday I might have this chance.”I pointed to the Galaxie. “You can’t possibly have felt like that for me then!”He turned to gaze into my eyes, laying his chin on my shoulder as he said softly, “I have loved you with everything in me from the moment I saw you.”

“Seriously?"I shrugged. "He can't suspect much if every time we're alone instead of talking I have my way with him." Cole shook his head. "You don't think it'll work?" I asked.He rolled his eyes. "Vayl might be a vampire, but he's also a guy. Who's about to be deliriously happy. Good God, if you work this right, he won't even be mad if finds out because of the way you decided to hide it from him.”

“That's what I'd call him if he was my dog. Jacket-humper. Kinda had a ring to it. Although it seemed a little long for vet visits and intros to lady dogs.”

“There you go. Use your granddaughter to pick up women. That'll get you points in heaven.”

“And then it hit me. One of those evil thoughts siblings get because, well, that's what we do. Looking over my shoulder I said, "You know, since you have some free time, maybe you could...never mind.""What?""Well it's just that, all those calories you've been drink - I mean - not burning off have kind of settled on your gut. I didn't want to mention anything," I said as Dave's hand stole to his midsection. "But the general pointed out that you'd lost a few steps training-wise." I laughed and waved my hand. "I'm sure it's nothing switching to a light beer won't cure.”

“I am driving an unfamiliar vehicle down a narrow road I've never seen before. Do you really want to be pissing me off right now?”

“We went to the door and I let Asha in. I expected an uberawkward moment when he and Vayl met. But Asha took care of that problem right away. "So you belong to Jasmine," he said in his melancholy voice. It somehow delivered Vayl his deepest condolences without bearing a trace of malice toward me.”

“communication is such a two-edged sword for guys. On the one hand, they almost always mean what they say. Refreshing, I know. On the other hand, getting them to actually say it can be like coaxing a corpse to tap-dance. Not that it can't be done. But it's so freaking exhausting. Not to mention the cost in heavyweight fishing line and Savion Glover videos.”

“Cassandra watched him go, slumping a little as the distance between them grew. "He was so nice.""Yeah.""And look at that butt."I considered said item. "Definitely superior. But not for Cassandra hands?"She shook her head sadly. "Another person stands between us now. He'll meet her within the month.""Is she prettier than you?"Cassandra started to smile."Well?""No""Ha!""Jaz!""Honey, we've got to take our victories where we can find them.”

“Oh my God, this can't be happening!" I cried."What?""Mopeds? Those are the wheels Pete gives us? I knew he was pissed off at me! It was all that time I spent in the hospital wasn't it? Or was it the wrecks? But I only tore up one car last time! And that wasn't my fault!”

“Sounds good. Drive safe."He sighed, knowing I really meant, "Take care of my Mercedes.”

“Okay, okay, backing off. Um, I suppose this would be a bad time to ask you to talk to Pete for me, you know, about the car?'His eyes widened. I could almost hear him thinking, Of all the nerve! 'You were driving,' he said.'But he likes you so much better than me.''That is because I do not keep wrecking the rentals.”

“Sometimes things would be so much simpler if you could just pull out your gun and shoot the bad guy. Reason number seventeen why Indiana Jones is my hero.”

“The white-haired wonder leading what had to, by now, be a blocks-long parade must've finally turned on her hearing aid. Because she finally pulled into the United Methodist Church parking lot, praise God, leaving the rest of us free to party until some other octogenarian found it necessary to take to the streets after dark. In Ohio, old folks know better than to drive at night. Yet another reason Cleveland rocks.”

“Cole - I just thought of a new game.Jaz - What's that?Cole - Splat the Specter.Jaz - Rules?Cole - You can help me make them up. Right now all I know for sure is that it involves water guns filled with grape Kool-Aid and two ferrets named Biff and Chlamydia.Vayl - Why Ferrets?Jaz - Really? You want to know about his choice of pets when he's named one of them after an STD?”

“Unbelievable. After what justhappened between us no, I don’t have any right. None at all. We’re barely acouple. We’re not even sleeping together. I have to-"What in God’s name are you babbling about?" "You’re cheating on me!" "I never cheat.”

“So of course that was the moment my motherboard decided to do a short internal scan, throw up its hands, and screech, “Dear Lawd, a VAMPIRE has taken mah blood!” and initiate a general shutdown. ”

“Cassandra,” he said, “I hope you know that poaching Muppets is illegal in this country.”

“Then I got this image of my big toe, painted bright red, suddenly developing a face and a hot Southern temper to match, screaming, "What the hell is wrong with mah bad self?”

“For instance, dragons are deeply revered by the Chinese. According to legend they have megapowers that include weather control and life creation. And they’re seen as kind, benevolent creatures. Funny. Every fairy tale I’d ever heard involving dragons starred daring knights trotting off to kill said dragons. Probably the real reason every time East meets West they get pissed off and throw tea in our faces.”

“Quick, think of a marvelous excuse he’ll totally swallow. Aha!“To practice. Unlike you guys, I haven’t tried my particular talent since Granny May signed me up for belly-dancing classes when I was fifteen.”And, by the way, why the hell did I consent to that? Or decide I loved it? Never mind, he’s buying it. In fact, he seems to be hot on the idea. Are his eyes glowing? And is Cole’s tongue hanging out? This is why I didn’t want to dance in the first place! “Anyway,” I rushed on. “I’m going to find a private place where nobody can see to laugh at me while you beat this tent”—or, more likely, these two idiots—“into submission.”

“Hey, if you're going to price yourself, I say go high.”

“When I bite you, it'll be because I want to make your toes curl and your hair stand on end. And you won't need stitches afterward. You'll need crutches.”

“Apparently you don't have to observe the Rules of Etiquette when reuniting with a muderous spouse.”

“I can't belly dance.'Yes, you can. It's in your fi--'Will you stop reading my goddamn file!”

“I pictured Cupid sitting in a crappy little bar, drunk and depressed, while he moaned to the bartender, "That Jasmine Parks, gods, she pisses me off! Did you see what she just did? Totally blew off this immortal stud to play kiss-the-boo-boo with a fickle little rent-a-cop. Why? 'Cause she's the biggest chickenshit on the planet! I'm ready to toss my bow and pick up a bazooka!”

“I described the pyramid we'd found and waited for him to jump on the bandwagon. Unfortunately he's afraid of wagons. And bands.”

“Fear sucks. Because you never know when it will attack. Sometimes it sneaks up behind you, giggling like your best girlfriend from seventh grade. Then it whacks you on the back of the head, takes you straight to your knees before you realize what hit you. Other times you can see it coming, just a dot on the horizon, but you're like a canary in a cage. All you can do is hang in there and hope you don't get motion sickness and puke all over the newspapers.”

“Who brings baby pictures on an international flight?" I hissed. "If I'd wanted my bare ass paraded in front of all the first-class ticket holders I'd have mooned everyone before we took off!”

“Hey, if you decided to tear up the town, you can always use the leftover bread from my breakfast in place of your cane. I'm pretty sure it's hard enough to bust heads.”

“Have you dared to eat my son?"I laughed. Actually, it started out as more of a giggle that grew. Because my mind went straight to the gutter.”

“Vayl, this is not a pleasant moment for me," I confessed."No?""Locked in a windowless, doorless room with a dancing, headless corpse and a secret sucker that can move fast enought to tear us both a new one if I miss?”

“Is your butt buzzing?"Cole, you have the worst timing! I jerked upright, tring to pull my phone out of my pocket and managing instead to bang my elbow against the wall.Ow! Oh, shit that hurts! You know, the guy who decided it should be a funny bone was just a freaking masochist. Or is it a sadist? I always get those mixed up.”

“Your father sounds frightening," Trayton said."He once made a general cry.""No.""I shit you not. The guy had to retire after that. I mean, really, who's going to follow your orders after some damn colonel's reduced you to tears?”

“The padlock clicked open. A voice soundingoddly like South Parks's Cartman echoed through my quivering brain. Goddammit!”

“Do you even know what hammerd means?" I asked."Something to do with drinking your American beer out of a hole in the side of a can?"Dave reached over and slapped him on the shin. "Close enough.”

“Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there's lots of Eastern Grays around this area. What do you say? Are you in?'Bergman looked at him like he'd just made the worst financial investment of his life. 'Kangaroos are wild animals. I've heard they claw like girl fighters and kick like jackhammers. You're going to get your skull crushed.'Cole held up a finger. 'Or I'm going to pet a kangaroo. How cool would that be?”

“Cool! Now I can steal some rich old coot's Ferrari and go fishing for marlin with the same piece of jewelry.”

“So... you're an assassin?" Dave asked incredulously."Why do I feel like you'd have used the same tone if I'd just confessed to being a stripper?" I demanded."Sorry," he said quickly. "I'm just surprised, is all.”

“He stepped colser. Looked deep into my eyes. Hesitated a millisecond, and then dove in. "I think I'm falling in love with you."Oh. No."Cole--""I know how you feel. About me. About him. I just wanted you to know-we could be good together. We could have a life. Kids. Vacations. On Sunday mornings I could serve you breakfast in bed."He gave me his I-know-you-find-me-irrestible grin. "And then I could make you something to eat.”

“I like these boots," I told Vayl."Do you think they'd sell them to me cheap? I keep ruining mine.""Since when do you fret over money?" he asked with amusement. "I was not even sure you knew what to do with it."I shrugged. "A women has needs.""Still." said Cole. "Gosh, Jaz, why didn't you say something to me? I'd never let you suffer.”

“It looks as if I was thinking what you were thinking.""Actually, you weren't. I was really thinking I needed to ask you a question.""What was that?""Do you think we should ask Goatee Guy how to find the caterer?" I smiled at him innocently as his eyebrows pratically met above his nose."I am never going to share my pet peeves with you again."”

“I sat up. Slowly. Between the belly dancing, the fire, the visit to Dave and it's aftermath, the night had taken its toll.You look like crap!" Cole said merrily. "I like the hair though."He made a camera frame with his thumbs and forefingers and in the genie voice from Aladdin said, "Now what does this say to me? Homeless women? Tornado victim? Britney Spears? I've got it! Preschooler who's misplaced her gum!"I regarded him balefully. "You're a morning person, aren't you?"You make that sound like a bad thing."Not if you stop talking.”