Jerry Seinfeld
Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954) is an American comedian, actor and writer, whose style is often described as observational comedy. He is best known for playing a semi-fictional version of himself in the situation comedy, Seinfeld, (1989-1998), which he co-created, helped write and, in the show's final two seasons, executive produced. In his first major foray back into the media since the finale of Seinfeld, he co-wrote and co-produced the film Bee Movie, also dubbing the title role of Barry B. Benson. In February 2009, it was announced that Jerry Seinfeld will be participating in a reality TV series tentatively called Marriage Ref on NBC. Jerry is rumored to work behind the scenes, mainly operating as creator and executive producer, but may also make cameo appearances. Jerry is also going to be on an episode of the Starz Original series, Head Case. In March 2009, it was announced that Jerry and the entire cast of Seinfeld will be appearing on Larry David's HBO original series Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Seinfeld is known for his incredibly dedicated and devoted work ethic. He was ranked #12 in Comedy Central's list of the 100 Greatest Stand-ups of All Time.
Seinfeld is also a bestselling author, most notably for his book Seinlanguage. Released in 1993, the book went on to become a number one New York Times bestseller. The book, written as his television show was first rising in popularity, is primarily an adaptation of the comedian's standup material. The title comes from an article in Entertainment Weekly listing the numerous catch-phrases the show was responsible for.
In 2003, he wrote a children's book titled Halloween. The book was illustrated by James Bennett. There are also several books about both the sitcom and Seinfeld himself, though many of them are not written by Seinfeld.
Seinfeld wrote the forewords to Ted L. Nancy's Letters from a Nut series of books and Ed Broth's Stories from a Moron. Both authors were rumored to be pseudonyms for Seinfeld or a friend of his. Neither Nancy nor Broth have been seen publicly, although Seinfeld is heavily involved in pitching their books for television.
In promoting Broth's book, Seinfeld hosted a toast in the author's honor. Broth did not attend.
Seinfeld also wrote the foreword to the Peanut Butter & Co. Cookbook, from his favorite sandwich shop in New York City.
“I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings”
“Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.”
“No soup for you”
“I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.”
“The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.”
“You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.”
“Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”
“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”
“Festivus for the Restivus!”
“And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.”
“I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”
“According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
“The best revenge is living well.”
“You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.”
“If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.”
“Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. ”
“Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
“I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!”
“You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day”
“What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?”
“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”
“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”
“What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.”
“When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.”
“i chose not to run”
“Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst. ”
“You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about because that's the only way you're going to get better.”
“Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.”
“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.”
“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”
“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”
“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason”